The Bachelor Australia episode recaps

Twenty-four women fight each other in sequins and heels to win the attentions of one man and set back feminism 50 years.

The Daters recaps

Six young Aussies navigate the real life rocky road to love - and we poke fun at them.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 6 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season six recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episode 6

I know, I know, it's later than Joe Hockey's apology to the poor, but you can all stop whingeing now because here it is: THE EPISODE SIX EVEN SLIGHTLY LESS DETAILED THAN EPISODE FIVE PICTURE RECAP!

The episode begins in the sunroom of the Shag Mansion, where the women are doing some advanced mathematics.

"Is it half the number of women left? It's almost half?" says Zoe, trying to conquer the complex artithmetic that is 24 minus 11.

"After the next one, it will be less than half," says Laurina.

Zoe misses her calculator.

Monday, August 18, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episode 5

So it's Sunday night and I still haven't gotten around to recapping this week's episodes of The Bachelor because instead of staying home and watching TV I went out and did things involving alcohol and talking to other people and also there was some karaoke because of course there was.

So because it's three days late and a new episode will screen soon, I figured I'd do a different type of recap to get us all up to speed.


Just in case you've forgotten what this show is all about, Sam points out that all the women in the house are dating the same guy.

It's a painful realisation for her.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 12: Is Sooz in Love?

When we last left Sooz she was banging on about how she nearly died of TB and was cast out onto the streets and had to sell all her teeth or something, and also about how she met her dream man Jack on Tinder.

In this episode we get to see their second date, and Sooz is pulling out all stops. And hairs, apparently.

"I've shaved my legs and my underarms," she announces proudly.

Meanwhile, this lady opts for a light comb and a quick run through with the GHD.

Free of hair and full of beans, she steps out to meet her new man, but as it's been raining she brings along her personal butler Jeeves to carry her umbrella for the duration of the date.  

"No ma'am, I'm not cold. Yes ma'am, I'll stay here until you wish to return home."

Actually the bloke with the brolly turns out to be Jack, and as usual, Sooz is totally nonplussed about seeing him again.


They've chosen a fancy riverside restaurant for dinner (this one, actually) (although to be honest, that website could not look more downmarket if it tried).

"Two glasses of the shiraz, thank you," says Jack.

"Er, I think you meant 'bottle'...?"

It's been a long time in the making, this date, due to Sooz being crippled by polio or whatever it was she had, and she's very impressed that Jack waited all those weeks just to see her again.

"It was actually really nice to know he was still waiting around for me," she says.

This is even more true because it appears Jack might be a cowboy, who could very well have ridden off into the sunset multiple times by now.

"Don't you worry yer pretty head, little lady. Just mosey on over here and jump on my saddle."

"Beautiful and funny and special," Jack says, and we assume he's talking about Sooz and not just listing words he learned that day.

"He's nice and sweet and funny. He's definitely a 'meet the parents' kind of guy," Sooz says, and we assume she's talking about Jack and not just describing US comedian Ben Stiller.

"He's just so funny and witty," she continues, despite there being absolutely zero evidence of Jack's humour so far, beyond his shirt. I guess it's just not getting caught on camera.

Anyway she's well impressed with Jack, so she takes him to meet her two best guy friends to see if he passes the mates test.

"I thought I'd kick him off with the hardest ones," she says.

She's nice, Sooz is.

Fortunately Sooz's mates are nice, normal blokes and totally not the sort of dudes who would sit around with no pants on when you brought your new boyfriend over to meet them.

Oh no wait, yes they are.

"As soon as I saw they weren't wearing any pants I thought 'these are good dudes'," says Jack, which either demonstrates an extremely accepting nature or a reason for Sooz to be concerned about her future romantic prospects with him.

The threat of imminent sexual assault notwithstanding the meeting goes well, the mates approve, and everyone is happy.

"The next logical step is for him to meet my mum and dad and my brothers," Sooz says.

"And my sisters in law and my niece and my three nephews.

"And my cousins and their cousins, and their uncle Joe and his wife Melinda, and their neighbours - they're really nice people..."

You know you're dating an Italian when...

Join me next week when apparently this happens:

But will Pokey and Goo join her?

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE 11 again.

The Daters recap - Episode 11: The Girls, One Month On

In episode nine we got to see how the boys were coping one month in to this dating experiment. Now it's the girls' turn to share their insights.

This shouldn't take long.

"Until this show I've never really sat down with guy friends and talked about what they think about dating, it's totally mind blowing," Courteney says.

"It's not what you think they'd be thinking. Like, they actually don't think about it that much."

Some don't even think about dating when they're on one.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episode 4

What with all the yachts, canoes and seaplanes our Bachelor was starting to look a bit bourgeois, so tonight's episode opens with some footage of him shooting hoops in an inner-city basketball court decorated by ironic hipsters so we know he's actually a man of the streets.

There's graffiti so you know he's down with the kids.

Thursday, August 07, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episode 3

Just for something different, we kick off this week's episode with a shot of Blake in a boat...

I know I praised this last week, but this really feels like overdoing it.

...and one of him taking his shirt off.

"Hey guys can we try a katamaran next week? Or how about a Sea-Doo?"

Meanwhile, back at the Shag Mansion the women have become so accustomed to their opulent new lifestyle they have taken to such extravagancies as burning candles during the day.

Wednesday, August 06, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 10: Speed Dating

Having finally exhausted Adelaide's Tinder population, our daters have this week moved on to dating in the real world. Or at least, dating in 2003. Speed dating, to be exact.

For all the Millennials too young to remember, "speed dating" was a very popular pastime in the early 2000s, back when text messages were still called SMSes and internet dating was only for serial killers. You'd sit down at a table with another single to chat for just a few minutes, then a bell would ring and you'd get up and move on to the next person.

The "speediness" of it was supposed to encourage light, bright and fun conversation and ensure everyone kept mingling. But then we all learned it was actually much speedier to date someone over the internet and send them sexts and never have to actually meet them at all, and so the practice sort of died out.

Except in Adelaide, apparently, where Australia's premier Monique Bowley impersonator has apparently set up shop as a speed dating events host:

Well, she had to find SOME sort of work after Monz got kicked off The Great Australian Bakeoff.

Anna, John and Burgo are in attendance, which means some are forced to speed date each other. 

Over on one table Anna is telling Burgo about a recent date where she went to see a drag show.

"Is it weird if a guy takes you to a drag show, though?" asks Burgo.

Er, I dunno... I reckon some chicks would dig it...

Bonique Mowley rings her bell for everyone to move on, and tells the singles they should start the next conversation by answering the question "what three things are always in your fridge?".

"Last night's pizza, half a packet of Berocca and a spare pair of underpants."

As someone who thinks opting for Diet Coke with one's Maccers meal is being culinarily adventurous, Burgo is shocked when his date tells him she has blue cheese in her fridge.

"That's disgusting," he tells her, which is always a good way to impress a girl.

Then he mentions he doesn't drink coffee, and it's clear the date is over.

"Yeah, I'm not gonna need the other six and a half minutes here..."

Unfortunately union rules stipulate each couple must complete their full seven minutes, which is a pity for both of them as it seems Burgo has lost the ability to speak English.

"So how do you play? How do you have fun time?" he asks, like a Japanese exchange student reading from a pirated English phrasebook.

"I'm a foodie," she says, which is great because Burgo is too, as long as the food doesn't involve olives, or seafood, or pineapple, or mushroom, or blue cheese, and is Hungry Jack's.

Clearly at some point Burgo has pointed out that he is a radio DJ, to which she has obviously responded "why the fuck should I care?" or something along those lines, because then this happens:

"What you lack for your love of blue cheese and not listening to radio you make up for in looks," says Burgo, which is barely English but I think is supposed to be some sort of compliment.

"The feminist in me kind of doesn't agree with that, but sure, I'll let that one slip," she says.

"Ha ha, I will never sleep with you!"
"Ha ha! Why are we laughing again?"

After running several rings around him, lighting them on fire and doing a celebratory ring-running dance to Beyonce's "Run the World (Girls)", blonde girl gets up to meet her next date, leaving Burgo in a state of catatonic shock.

"I'm in love," he tells the event host.

"Look at her! She's only a year younger than me, she's got a good job, she studies," Burgo gushes, as if anything he said after "look at her" was important.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the room:

"I'm not sure if he even spoke English."

With Burgo panting in her wake, blonde girl moves on to seven minutes with John, in which she tells him she's studying to be a criminologist.

"Is that like the whole CSI kind of fiasco?" he asks.

"No," she says.

*removes sunglasses*

Meanwhile, over on another table Anna is playing "two truths and a lie", a game where you tell two truths about yourself and one lie, and your partner has to spot the lie.

"OK, my name is Anna, I'm wearing red and I'm really having fun. Spot the lie."

"I like to wear two left shoes, my house burned down and I lived in a temple in the middle of the rainforest," she says which, considering she told us in episode one she grew up in a travelling circus and wore banana leaves as clothes, is fairly tame.

"I'm going to go with your house burning down," says the bloke.

"I DON'T WEAR TWO LEFT SHOES!" she says, as though the lie were totally obvious.
Back over on John's table his date has just told him she has a nine-year-old son.

"Oh cool! Hey have I told you about my debilitating fear of commitment?"

Finally Bonique Mowley rings the final bell and it's all over. Burgo doesn't notice, he's too busy scratching "BURGO 4 BLONDE GIRL 4 EVA" into the top of the bar.

"If Burgo asked me out I might say yes," says blonde girl.

"He was the tall, fit plumber guy, right?"

Join me next week when Sooz, Anna and Courteney (yes, really) get their hair done for some reason, and... probably some other stuff happens too. Well, possibly. I can't guarantee it.

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE NINE again.

The Daters recap - Episode 9: The Boys, One Month On

This week's episode opens with resident gay Johnny lamenting his singledom, which is a nice change given that most people on this show are constantly blathering on about how they're "not looking for a relationship".

Here's a tip guys: it's called "The Daters". Maybe you should like, I dunno, be into the idea of dating.

"I'm not single by choice. I don't want to be single," says Johnny, who is sitting on his bedroom floor in a flannelette shirt and looks to be one Tim Tam away from singing Celine Dion's "All By Myself" into an empty wine bottle.

"In my friendship groups they're three, four, five, seven years older than me and they're single, and they've been actually focusing on dating and it's like, well, FUCK. What if I've got seven years of this?"

"What if they don't even HAVE Tinder then?"

Friday, August 01, 2014

The Bachelor Australia episode recap: Season 2, Episode 2

It's episode two of The Bachelor Australia and I think I speak for everyone when I say THANK GOD, we finally get to see Blake on a boat:

I mean they've aired 75 minutes of footage already, and this is the first god damn boat scene? LIFT YOUR GAME, CHANNEL 10.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

The Bachelor Australia episode recap: Season 2, Episode 1

It's been just over two years since I last delved into the grease-slicked jacuzzi waters of the Best-Worst show on reality TV, The Bachelor, to write weekly episode recaps detailing everything a bunch of vacuous women did with one exceedingly dull man and gallons of fake tan, saliva and pinot grigio.

To be frank, the experience was so gruelling it took me that long to recover from it.

But then I saw the trailers for the Australian version and in a moment of panic, blinded by a bevy of buxom bogans in sequins, I thought "Yeah, alright".

So here we are, the first episode of season two, otherwise known as "Seriously? They commissioned another season of that?"

If you've never seen The Bachelor Australia never fear - it's just like the American one, only with a smaller budget. In fact funding is so scarce this year the producers have had to rely largely on sponsorship:

From the National Sequins Advisory Council of Australia...