The Bachelor Australia episode recaps

Twenty-four women fight each other in sequins and heels to win the attentions of one man and set back feminism 50 years.

The Daters recaps

Six young Aussies navigate the real life rocky road to love - and we poke fun at them.

RuPaul's Drag Race Season 6 recaps

YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season six recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!

Saturday, September 20, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episode 15

When I started watching this episode I was still coming out of my MEGA GIF RECAP induced coma of yesterday and feeling a little woozy. I must have slept through all the boring stuff (OK, the REALLY boring stuff) at the beginning because the first thing I heard was Louise saying "it's really hard and weird".

"I prefer to think of it as 'unique', thanks."

Thursday, September 18, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episodes 12-14

Sooo... you may have noticed I haven't done a Bachelor recap in a while. The real (boring) reason is that I got swamped with actual real grown-up people work that pays me money and I didn't have the time. But let's go with the pretend reason instead, which is much more interesting:

I WAS KIDNAPPED BY ROBO-ALIENS FROM LAURINA'S MOTHERSHIP AND HELD CAPTIVE UNTIL I PROMISED TO HELP THEM RID THE UNIVERSE OF DIRTY STREET PIES.

"THIS. IS. NOT REALLY. ACCEPTABLE."

Thursday, September 11, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 18: Dating Bootcamp Night 1

Meet Richard.

Richard is a former soldier with the British army who has served in Afghanistan, Iraq and Macedonia.

And just like he knows how to handle an assault rifle, Richard knows how to handle women.

Like this, close to the body but with the head pointed away from you so it doesn't go off.

You might not think that tactical defence strategies for fending off insurgents in the desert would have much to do with modern dating, but you'd be wrong. Like,what if you want to date an insurgent? In the desert? You go to Richard's Dating Boot Camp, that's what you do.

Richard is tall and buff and a bit scary.

He also. Speaks in very. Short sentences. So blokes. Can understand him.

"We're about to apply. Military psychology. To how to meet. Girls," he says.

"Lesson one: big balls are important, even metaphorical ones."

Having had zero luck with women so far using their natural looks and personality John and Burgo show up to get some mindblowing tips from Richard, including "treat women with respect" and "make her feel safe".

"So to make a woman feel safe would you just keep a good distance?" asks Burgo.

Yep, about here is good.

Richard explains his philosophy for meeting women is called "SILLY SALLY", which apparently is not the name of the easiest chick at the bar, but an anagram. For... well, christ knows.

"With 'silly sally' there's only actually five points, so the I and the A... silly... sally... if you...see..." he says.

Here's another anagram for you, Richard: NFI.

"What 'I' might make somebody want to talk to you for longer?" asks Richard, pointing to the anagram that no one understands.

Der, Richard. It's E that makes you talk, not I. 

Apparently it stands for "interesting". As in "be more interesting". A revelation, I'm sure you'll agree.

Not only do men need to be interesting to pick up women, Richard says, but they should try to be so in an "attractive" way.

"So like, John being a nude model would be interesting in an attractive way?" asks Burgo.

"Er... yeah," says Richard.

"Christ, Al Qaeda was easier than this."

Next Richard tells them they need to be "likeable", which is apparently different from being attractive and interesting.

His military training is really starting to show through here: as we all know, being likeable was a key part of the British army's defence strategy in Iraq.

Then Richard tells them the last "L" in the anagram stands for "leading". Which is good advice, because improper use of fonts is a real turn off.

Oh wait, he means like... being a leader. Well. Fonts are important too.

Anyway apparently doing all of these things will lead you to the "Y" in "silly sally" - which stands for "yes". So I assume that means she'll immediately jump into bed with you. (No wonder everyone calls her silly.)

"I think this guy knows what he's talking about," says Burgo, impressed.

"All I have to do is be interesting and attractive and women will fall to their knees!"

For their next task, Burgo and John will be heading out to a bar to test out their new found skills on the unsuspecting public. Richard tells them they should talk to "everyone".

"Don't care if they are a really old guy in a wheelchair, we're going to talk to them anyway," he says, which would seem to be the worst advice anyone has ever given anyone trying to meet single women.

"Um, Richard, aren't we supposed to be meeting wome..."
"SHUT UP AND TALK TO HIM, SOLDIER."

Joining them are the other two boot campers - a couple of French backpackers who win the entire challenge before they even get out of the taxi by virtue of their sexy accents.

While John and Burgo hang off the bar looking awkward, their two opponents are getting attention from every single woman in the room by starting every conversation with "Excuse me, we are both French".

"Would you like to see my baguette?"

"They're French - we have a massive unfair advantage," says John.

I would have said John has the advantage for being fluent in English, but I'm not so sure now.

Noticing their lack of effort, Richard strides over to Burgo and orders him to do 40 push ups.

"I just can't be fucked," says Burgo.

"I'm either in a zone where I'm unstoppable, or I'm in a zone where I fucking hate every single person in my sight."

If those two zones cross over, this will happen.

While the two French backpackers are hoh-hoh-hohing and baguetting it up with all the single ladies in the place, John is busying himself chatting to some old blokes at the bar.

Still, he's doing better than Burgo whose best effort amounts to asking what may actually be a lesbian couple to tell him about wine.

But it's about to get worse.

"We're going to pick a girl at the bar, go over to them and say 'hi, I've written you a poem because I think you're pretty, and give it to her," Richard tells them.

Just like they used to to in Iraq.

So to recap, this guy's advice for picking up women is to be interesting, attractive and write them a poem on the back of a bar napkin. Was the reason he left the army anything to do with clinical insanity?

Nevertheless, Burgo pens a delightful poem for the two unimpressed possible lesbians who tried to get rid of him earlier, and they are thrilled.

More thrilled than the actual lesbians he attempts to chat up on next week's show, anyway.

Whoops!

Do make sure you come back next week for that slice of sexually ambiguous fun. While you wait, why not go back and READ EPISODE 17 again?

Sunday, September 07, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episode 11

"OK everyone, places please! Right, now when we say 'action', just start talking among yourselves in a totally natural way even though you're all sitting in a weird tableau. Make sure you deliver the lines we gave you like 'maybe it's another double date' and 'maybe Amber is going on a double date', and give us big smiles and lots of giggling, and make sure you show off your Country Road separates. OK got it? ACTION!"

Nailed it.

Friday, September 05, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 17: Two Months On

We begin on the beach, where Burgo and John have decided to meet on what looks to be the coldest day of the year for a good old chinwag about where the last eight weeks of dating have gotten them. Namely: nowhere.

They're soon joined by Johnny, who appears to have just re-entered the earth's atmosphere on a skateboard.

Unedited footage.

Monday, September 01, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episode 10

Episode 10 begins in the depths of teenage angst once again, with more pulling of hair and gnashing of teeth over the topic of Jess kissing Blake, even though it wasn't even interesting the first time round.

Mary throws a spitball at her while Amber starts circulating a rumour that Jess smells, and Laurina's so upset she starts a "No Jesses" club and bans her from playing hopscotch in the quadrangle.

But just as they're about to pelt her with tampons in the gym showers they're interrupted by Osher Gunsberg, who has clearly misheard the "high school" theme as "high hair".

Honestly, it's just getting ridiculous now.

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episode 9

We begin episode nine in the garden of the Shag Mansion, where the women are engaging in one of their favourite weekly activities: forming awkward live action re-enactments of The Last Supper.

"It's not fair that one of the new girls gets to be Jesus!"
"It's OK, she'll get crucified later."

Just as they're beginning to debate the significance of Illuminati symbolism in the Da Vinci canon a furball coughed up by next door's cat floats into the garden and... oh, wait. It's just Osher Gunsberg.

Sunday, August 31, 2014

The Daters recap - Episode 16: The Melbourne Date War Part II

Right, where were we...? Oh yes.

That's right.


We rejoin Johnny and Courteney in Melbourne for part two of their dating competition, where it seems she has the distinct advantage of not being half dead.

"We went out for wines last night," she explains.

Understatement of the year.

While she went home at the respectable time of 2am, Johnny apparently stayed out drinking until five and consequently has had one hour of sleep, and now looks like this:

The only date Johnny has today is with this glass of Coke. It's love.

She might be hangover-free, but Courteney isn't exactly rocking this dating competition either. Two of her dates have cancelled via text message, probably because they woke up on Sunday morning looking like Johnny and realised they didn't actually want to be on TV.

Speaking of looking like Johnny, he looks amazing for someone with one hour's sleep and more wine in their bloodstream than actual blood:

Hangover, by Calvin Klein.

Unfortunately though when his date arrives he removes his sunglasses, revealing his bloodshot eyes and shattering the illusion.

"Damn, I hope my friend remembers to fake call me like we arranged."

While Johnny tries not to vomit on his date, Courteney attempts to make up for her two cancellations by cracking onto an entire table of five blokes via a handwritten note that begins "Dear table of cute boys".

"Jeez she must be desperate. I'll go."

With the promise of a mid-morning leg-over within reach, one of the blokes heads inside to meet Courteney and suddenly finds himself starring in a film noir.

"Of all the brunch spots in all the towns in all the world, you had to walk into mine."

Sadly, this film noir appears to have been written by a first year creative writing student at Cootamundra TAFE, as the dialogue is about as scintillating as an episode of Play School.

Bloke: I'm an engineer.

Courteney: How'd you get into engineering?

Bloke: I dunno, really.

Courteney: Is that something you have to be good at maths for?

Bloke: Yeah.

Courteney: Are you on Tinder?

Bloke: Yeah.

Courteney: Isn't it weird?

Bloke: Yeah.

Meanwhile, Johnny's date with a packet of Berocca is going as well as expected:

Sparkling conversation!

Suddenly Courteney's next date arrives, a cute Italian boy who speaks mangled English with a charming accent.

"What is your favourite situation to met mens?" he asks her, which is the most adorable sentence of all time and should obviously be rewarded with an instant pash.

"If all girls are as beautiful as you, I definitely going to Adelaide," he says.

HOW CAN YOU RESIST THIS? 
Answer: You can't.

Except if you're Courteney, then apparently you can totally resist it.

The United Nations of dating continues with Johnny's next date, a Brazilian guy who isn't much of a conversationalist but does wait patiently while he runs to the toilet to chuck up. So that's something.

Moving on to Courteney's next date, who looks like the illustration for the Urban Dictionary entry for "Melbourne hipster".

"I was into dating before it was cool."

She was apparently impressed by his pick up line on Tinder: "If you were the president, you'd be Babraham Lincoln".

Courteney does not realise this line comes from the film Wayne's World, probably because she was ONE when that came out.

"What does 'schwing' mean though?"

Their tallies equal at three dates all, Courteney and Johnny decide on a tiebreaker - whoever can get their date to go on a ride with them at Luna Park.

Courtney's hipster is good to go, because Luna Park is like, totes ironic and you can take really sick Instagrams there.

Johnny's date, not so much.

"Did you know that one in four people die on rides in Luna Park? That place is a death trap," he says.

"So, that's a no then?"

So with that, Courteney wins the dating war and heads off to Luna Park to make sure the ABC fulfils its contractual agreement with Tourism Victoria.

But as Johnny slinks home to die quietly in bed, it's clear who the real winner in all this was:

Gives you back your B B Bounce.

Now go on and READ EPISODE 17 when we have a look at all our daters two months on, and note how little has changed for everyone except Sooz. Or go back in time and READ EPISODE 15 again.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recaps - THEY'RE COMING!

Hey y'all, just a friendly note to say THANKS FOR ALL THE LOVE - I've been getting so many hits for my Bachelor Australia episode recaps! You like me, you really like me etc. etc.

I'd like to promise that this week's episodes will be up by Friday afternoon, but they won't be. So I'm going to say they'll be uploaded by Sunday, ready for you to read secretly on Monday at work when you're pretending to do important stuff. Hope that works for you.

On another note: if anyone at Channel 10 is reading this, it'd be grand to get advance copies of the show! Just sayin'... Help a sister out!

Please to enjoy this classic GIF from episode one while you wait.

Alternatively, you can fill in time reliving The Bachelor America season 16 through these episode recaps. They're funny, I promise.

The Daters recap - Episode 15: The Melbourne Date War Part I

Having already gone through all of Adelaide's single male population, both gay and straight, Courteney and Johnny decide to drive to Melbourne for a massive interstate shag fest holiday.

Well, I say "holiday", but actually they're going over to stage a competition to see who can score the most blokes over state lines. 

First step is setting up their Tinder profiles, because that's apparently the only way singles meet each other these days. 

Frankly, meeting people through an app would actually seem to make the whole concept of travel redundant. Why not just SAY you're in Melbourne, and see how many blokes you pick up? That way you can stay at home on the couch eating pizza and you don't even have to talk to anyone, much less make yourself look nice.

I know at least one person who agrees with me on this.

Johnny figures the best way to pick up blokes is to tell everyone he's a TV star. Well, why not? It works for Josh Thomas.

Hint: if you have to specify what channel your show is on, you're not a star.
Also: try spelling "weekend" properly, it might help.
Also: I really hope he finished that last sentence with the word "redhead".

"You can't write 'I'm going to give away a free blow job on every date'," he tells Courteney, mainly because he didn't think of it first.

Courteney writes something about being on The Daters too, but then remembers she's barely ever on the show so deletes it, and they both get in the car and head for Victoria.

"I'm gonna get 12, it's gonna happen," says Courteney, and I assume she's talking about dates.

"I'm going to aim for six - anything past that is just like, extra work," says Johnny.

Thanks to the magic of television they're at the border just seconds later, where they sensibly decide to stand on the side of the freeway in the hail to tell us they haven't found any boys to date yet.

Not a metre over the border and Victoria's already giving them the cold shoulder, literally.

"It's a bit scary because I don't know what the guys are going to be like here, and I don't know what they're going to expect from a girl," Courteney says, as though Melbourne were some mystical far away land populated by weirdoes who are totally different from regular Australians.

Well...

Despite this, after 12 hours in Victoria's capital Courteney is winning the competition with three dates booked.

Johnny remains at zero.

Johnny is beginning to rethink his "I'm on the ABC" strategy.

By 2pm he still hasn't hooked a bloke. Then he gets caught in a hailstorm. So basically Johnny is having the best time ever.

Meanwhile, this is the most accurate ad Victorian Tourism's ever done.

Fortunately for Johnny, alcohol exists. So he heads to a gay bar and drinks what looks to be quite a lot of it, given that this is what happens next:

"WHO NEEDS A DATE WHEN THERE ARE TRAMPOLINES WEEEEEEEE!"

Fast forward five hours to morning and Courteney gets a text message - her 10.30am date has cancelled on her. What a surprise that a date scheduled for 10.30am on a Sunday morning fell through. Where the hell was she planning on taking them, church?

Johnny, meanwhile, may actually be dead.

Ladies and gentlemen: the world's first full body wine transfusion recipient.

After last night's alcohol-fuelled festivities the date tally stands at three all - but will Johnny survive the day to even go on them?

Given this was in the preview of the next episode, I'd assume no.

Now READ EPISODE 16, in which we get to see whether Johnny ends up with a Berocca dependency, and who actually wins the date competition. (Hint: It's probably Courteney.)

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE 14.