All the strutting, pouting and scrag fights from seasons 3 to 8, lovingly recapped for your reading pleasure.
Brandon, Brenda, Dylan, Kelly and... the others revived in glorious GIF form.
The supermodel known as "The Body" got a decidedly unflattering makeover in the Daily Mail - but was it deliberate or a mistake?
Thursday, March 06, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Yes kids, I am Febrezing away the stench of failure from my abandoned Australia's Next Top Model season 8 recaps (three episodes was enough, right? Sure it was) and getting straight back up on the sparkle pony to recap every episode of what is surely the most addictive thing on TV.
Sunday, August 04, 2013
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
I could tell you I was kidnapped by aliens, or that I joined a rock band and we released a hit album and had to go on tour to support it, but the fact is I'm just a bit slack and couldn't be bothered.
As punishment, I have given myself a severe Lara Stone-ing.
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Children get born, learn to walk and talk go to school. Seeds grow into saplings. Prime Ministers get elected, then booted out, then put back in again.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
A few days ago the Daily Mail published this article about Australian supermodel Elle Macpherson and her supposed new boyfriend holidaying in Ibiza, along with this photograph and caption:
I think we can all agree Elle looks amazing, as usual. But something seems amiss. Her thighs seem fleshier, there's a bit of "muffin top" and a hint of belly poking above her teeny weeny string bikini. Is this really what "The Body" looks like these days?
Well, no, it isn't. Compare that photo to the main pic the Daily Mail used on the top of the same story:
Either Elle got a very speedy liposuction between those two snaps, or something fishy's going on here.
There are many photos from Elle's recent trip to Ibiza with Roger Jenkins, and weirdly her muffin top and bulging gut are invisible in all of them.
So what's going on here? Simply: Photoshop. Or perhaps we should call it "Fatoshop".
Elle's spare tyre is missing from all these photos because it never existed in the first place - as is evident from the original version of the offending photograph, taken in 2008:
That photo was one of several taken on the shoot of Elle's "Invisible Zinc" TV commercial on a Sydney beach in 2008. The Daily Mail credits the photo as being copyright of News Limited's photo arm Newspix, and now defunct Sydney agency Icon Images. Other online instances of the pic credit it to agency Rex Features, which has a bunch of similar shots in its online library.
Whatever the source, the pictures have been all over the internet for years, and "The Body" looks taut and toned in all of them, as she does in the actual commercial itself:
Now here's that original photo and the Daily Mail's version side by side:
Clearly the photo on the right has been digitally altered to make Elle look fatter than she is. But who did it? Someone at the Daily Mail? An intermediary agency? And more importantly: why?
Is it some kind of misguided attempt to make female readers "bond" with a publication, like BFFs cheekily scoffing chocs as they giggle at "fat" celebs? ("Look, supermodels are just like you! Be our friend and read us!")
Or is it just another cheap and easy way to make a story more "clickable", so readers will share it on Facebook and Twitter while breathlessly exclaiming "OMG ELLE IS SO FAT NOW LOL!"?
Whatever the motivation photo manipulation of this kind is straight out lying, and furthers the damaging representations of the female body that already saturate our media.
Thanks to The Fireblade Array for the tip-off.
Friday, July 20, 2012
You know how sometimes on your favourite TV program the characters will stop what they're doing to reach into the fridge for an icy cold can of Coke? Or they'll have an important plot-forwarding conversation in the car park of a McDonald's? Or they'll suddenly express a fondness for Cheerios?
It's called product placement and it works because we like these shows and we like the characters, and when we see them using a product it can act as a silent, subconscious word-of-mouth recommendation. (Case in point: I bought a bag of Funyuns the other day just because Jesse Pinkman said they were awesome.) (Side note: They're not.) (Second side note: Stand by for a future Incredible Inedible.)
It's perhaps not ideal, but it's usually unintrusive enough not to cause any real problem with regular viewing.
But thanks to new technology product placement is starting to creep into some very inappropriate places. Namely, online news reports.
Today I saw this Daily Mail story about Annette Bening and Warren Beatty's 20-year-old transgender son Stephen (born Kathryn), who has released a web video for activist organisation WeHappyTrans.com .
In the six minute video Stephen talks about what it's like to be transgender and gay - but FORGET ALL THAT BECAUSE OMG WHAT IS HE WEARING?
If you're like me I'm sure the first thing you thought when you saw that video still of Stephen Beatty was "WHERE ON EARTH CAN I BUY THAT SNAZZY JUMPER?"
Well fret no more. Thanks to new web advertising technology provided by Luminate, the Daily Mail can tell you. Just hover your mouse over the image, click on a "hotspot" and VOILA!
I can't even begin to describe how a) offensive and b) ridiculous this is.
I can't be sure, but I'm fairly confident that when Stephen put that jumper on and headed down into his very unattractive basement to make that video he wasn't hoping to start a new trend in knitwear. I'm pretty sure he wanted people to pay attention to his message, and not his clothing.
This sort of product placement is intrusive and totally undermines any serious meaning a story may have originally carried. It's the web equivalent of pouring your heart out to someone only for them to interrupt with "Nice story, but where did you get that jacket?"
Putting this sort of thing on fashion photos, celebrity or red carpet shots is one thing, but the very idea that anyone would want to "get the look" Stephen is sporting in his video is laughable, probably even to Stephen himself.
Meanwhile, Daily Mail, why stop there? There are heaps of stories on your site today on which you could encourage readers to "get the look". Like the rise in unemployment:
Or the bloody fighting in Damascus:
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Here's a good rule of thumb for living: If the thing you're about to eat can be described as "soft", "sticky" and "white", it probably isn't technically food. (No matter what he says.)
Like toothpaste. Or plaster of Paris. Or the filling of a Twinkie. Or Marshmallow Fluff.
Yes, this actually exists.
I've subjected myself to some truly weird foods for your reading pleasure over the years. But never before have I had to eat something that looked like it came from Bunnings' sealants aisle.
This might explain:
What IS this shit? The label says it's a blend of corn syrup, sugar, "dried egg white" and vanillin, and according to MarshmallowFluff.com, it's "the finest marshmallow creme anywhere!". (Note to Marshmallow Fluff: It's probably the ONLY "marshmallow creme" anywhere. No one else wants this crap, trust me.)
Its best known use is in the iconic American "Fluffernutter", a migraine-inducing sandwich made with Marshmallow Fluff and peanut butter. If that's not revolting enough for you, why not try bunging it in a bowl with some sweet potatoes and canned pineapple for a holiday treat? PRO TIP: Use the giant Marshmallow Fluff tub as a vomit receptacle after the meal!
"YAY IT'S HEALTHY!" - a total moron.
To be fair, Marshmallow Fluff isn't really even PRETENDING to be food. I mean, take the name: "fluff". If a company names a product after something you scrape off the carpet and dig out of your navel, and you still insist on eating it, they really can't be blamed for any negative side effects you experience.
Speaking of which, "negative" pretty much sums up my reaction to eating Marshmallow Fluff. It is blindingly white, like shaving cream is and food should never be, and it's unnervingly goopy and airy at the same time. Stick your finger in and it might pull up long, sticky strands like pizza cheese, or it might bring up a puffy blob resembling melty ice cream.
This has to be good for you, right?
Here's another good rule of thumb: If the thing you're about to eat actually eats your spoon before you get a chance, you probably shouldn't go near it.
This took approximately five minutes. I swear I didn't touch it.
Lucky for you I'm not a scaredy cat who's afraid of some sort of T-1000 sandwich spread. The Fluff may have won the first round, but I had a whole DRAWER full of spoons and I wasn't afraid to use them.
So, the taste. Well, you know sugar? It tastes like that. A LOT OF THAT. It also has a very thick, greasy mouth feel, rather like you're deliberately coating the inside of your mouth with sugar flavoured lard.
On the plus side, my tongue was all ready to swim the Channel after just one Fluffernutter.
But I figured no taste test of Marshmallow Fluff would be complete without trying the world famous Fluffernutter. Unfortunately I didn't have any bread so was forced to use a hamburger bun, but then I realised that made it EVEN MORE American and therefore at least 230 per cent more awesome than a regular Fluffernutter.
Peanut butter on one side, Fluff on the other, as per Fluffernutter Advisory Board (FAB) official instructions.
I wrapped the Stars and Stripes around my head, Axl-Rose-style, put Miley Cyrus' Party in the USA on full blast and yelled "GOD BLESS AMERICA!" as I shoved the yankee sanger in my mouth.
This has got to be one of the saddest images I've ever seen.
Now listen here, America. I know your food is very awesome in lots of ways. Your fruit is delicious and cheap. You make salads like no one else on the planet. And your hamburgers - well, I would commit several illegal things just to bite into one. BUT NO ONE NEEDS A SANDWICH THAT TASTES LIKE A CANDY BAR. The sandwich says "lunch" but the sugar says "dessert". WHICH IS IT?
Basically, a Fluffernutter tastes like what you'd get if a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup mated with a bag of molten sugar, had a baby S'more and then spread its afterbirth all over some bread.
Obviously, it was delicious. In a "goodbye cruel world, there's nothing left to live for so I might as well eat this shitty sugar poison cocktail" kind of way.
But I rather value my life, so I stopped after two bites.
Now I have a giant tub of Marshmallow Fluff that I don't know what to do with. Anyone need any cutlery hidden?
Here's something you won't hear me say very often: I don't really like it. Yes it's true, Jack White has done something I don't completely love with every fibre of my being. It CAN happen, people.
Muscle cars in the desert, being arrested by a hot cop, sexy girls with heir boobs hanging out... For an artist who's consistently put out offbeat, interesting, artistic videos this one seems a tad generic. But you know, whatever. He's newly divorced, he's touring, it's summer - why not make girls drape themselves over you? If I had to make a music video I'd probably cast a half naked Alexander Skarsgard to serve me cherries while Jake Gyllenhaal gave me a neck rub and it'd finish with a shot of me having breakfast in bed with Jack White. It'd be the worst video ever, but I'd have fun making it.
In any case, Entertainment Weekly wrote a piece about Jack's new video mentioning that the moment at 1.38 in which he does a bizarre hand/tongue movement should be immortalised in GIFage and... well, I aim to please. So here it is.
I'm not sure, but it may be the best Jack White GIF ever.
Want more Jack White GIFs? Check out Jack White Doing Things for a laugh.
Read my review of Jack White's May 22 New York concert with the Alabama Shakes.