In case you didn't think you could ever be as cool as former Idol finalist Scott Newnham - think again.
Now you can look like a totally cool, tough, legitimate rock star by buying a set of these awesome tattoo sleeves.
I've already ordered three sets in psycho, pixies and black dragon.
Now, if only someone would invite me to the Idol finale I'd have somewhere to wear them...
OH MY GOD, WE'RE DOWN TO THE FINAL THREE. Well, we will be as soon as everyone stops singing We Built This City on Rock and Roll. Seriously, they made them do that to open the show this week. And you know why?
That's right - just three singers, FOR TWO WHOLE HOURS. HOW DOES THAT WORK? Maybe I misheard and it's actually "Gilbert and Sullivan operettas night" and it won't be over until Nathan has sung the whole of The Mikado.
Unfortunately the presence of Starship in the first five minutes seems to contradict that theory - although Hayley's COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS outfit wouldn't look too out of place in Pirates of Penzance.
Hayley, I know I've criticised your black jacket and jeans ensemble quite consistently over the last 10 weeks, but if I'm in any way responsible for your apparent need to turn to ripped leggings and tails, I am truly sorry.
So it's over to the votes - and it's slim pickings this week with only Mini Zoolander, Light Red, Gaythan and Stunned left to choose from. First back to the bench is... WHAT THE? JAMES?
Thanks to the quitting teacher, Australia has clearly had a change of heart about poor little James and his puppy dog eyes and voted for him in earnest. Drats. Which leaves a highly undesirable bottom three of STAN, NATHAN and HAYLEY.
I'm momentarily distracted from this awfulness (and no, I'm not still talking about Hayley's outfit) by Marcia, who is looking FIIINE tonight:
But her Halle Berry-ish new look isn't enough to distract me from Australia's ultimate decision, which is that GAYTHAN should be kicked out of the competition.
So it looks like the people of Australia DID eventually get behind Nathan - and booted him out the door.
"I just wish everyone could see the amazing people who work back stage here," Nathan says, ignoring the fact that Ten is having enough trouble convincing viewers to watch the people ON stage.
Speaking of which, how are they planning to fill two hours with just three people?
"Each of our Idols will perform three songs tonight..."
"It'll be all killer, no filler," Ken Doll continues.
Some simple maths would seem to refute that: If each Idol has three songs at approximately two minutes each, that's 18 minutes down. OUT OF TWO FUCKING HOURS.
Clearly there's going to be some time to kill tonight - so it's over to Ricki Lee, who is single handedly setting back the national domestic violence campaign by looking like someone has punched her in both eyes.
Or maybe she's just trying to outdo eyeliner-loving special guest judge PETE WENTZ, who tonight is rendered even MORE special by virtue of the fact that HE'S NOT BRITNEY SPEARS.
Seriously, Pete Wentz? Are Fall Out Boy even touring at the moment? Why is he here?
"He looks like Missy Higgins," says Raoul.
"But with more makeup," I counter.
Speaking of makeup, it seems Ricki Lee has won the eyeliner battle as Pete has turned up clean faced, in a hoodie, jeans and maths nerd haircut and looks like the guy who lives down your street. Inexplicably, every teenage girl in the audience spontaneously wets their pants.
On to the performances, starting with JAMES who is attempting Toto's Hold the Line. Well, what beter way for a crooner wannabe to get around the "two hours of power" theme than with a dose of yacht rock?
He has a nice, wrought expression on his face - like he's just discovered the mass of cocaine he's bought for the bikini party on his yacht this weekend is actually bicarb soda - but he really needs a moustache to complete the look.
"Holder lion - glove isn't hallways on life," he sings, suggesting he might have had a little too much of that bicarb.
He finishes on a power note, and it looks uncomfortably like his brain is going to explode out of his forehead.
"I hate him - I hate the way he looks, I hate the way he sounds, I hate his little twitchy movements, I HATE EVERYTHING," shouts Raoul charitably.
I'm not sure I necessarily agree with Raoul's summation, but I do reckon I've seen better performances on footpaths. And so as a one-off special event this week I shall compare each Idol song to a past performance on that illustrious beacon of Australian TV talent quest integrity - POT LUCK. Fans of 90s Saturday night television, like me, will remember the best of Pot Luck courtesy of The Late Show's weekly toilet break.
As everyone knows, the number one Pot Luck performance of all time, the yardstick against which all other talent quest performances have always been measured, is the unforgettable Todd Rixon:
While James' performance didn't quite get to the level of awfulness of Mr Rixon, I reckon it was fairly on par with Chris Lopes:
Dicko says James' power is in his tenderness, and he should have done something tender. As much as I'm not a fan of James, I think we all know that if he had come out singing Jack Johnson on TWO HOURS OF POWER NIGHT and argued the "tenderness is my power" line, Dicko would have told him he was shit. And I would have agreed. SO BASICALLY, JAMES CAN'T WIN. Marcia fulfils her contractual obligation to disagree with everything Dicko says by disagreeing with what Dicko said. La Wentz says James did an excellent job of interacting with the crowd. Another girl wets her pants. Jay Dee says he doesn't know if James did anything wrong, but he's not sure if he did anything right either. Then he says he's Liza Minnelli.
Over to HAYLEY who has gone for the biggest gun in the Idol arsenal with U2's One. Or as she sings it: "Werrr-errrrn".
I continue to be distracted by her atrocious outfit. Honestly, she looks like she's been dressed by a mental patient with a military fetish. Is this the result of some sort of equal opportunity initiative in the styling department? Has Sheridan been recruiting apprentice stylists from special schools again?
The ensemble of hoodie, sleeveless jacket with tails and gold braiding, ripped leggings and school shoes makes me wish she'd chosen Metallica's One instead - lyrics like "darkness imprisoning me, all that I see, absolute horror" seem far more appropriate. I'm so enthralled by her outfit that I almost miss her performance of Wern - except for the bits where she sang off key.
In the Pot Luck stakes, I reckon Hayley is a bit like Razia - it might have seemed like a good idea when she put the costume on, but the performance never really lived up to expectations:
Just for something different, Marcia says Wern is one of her favourite songs. La Wentz shows how cool he is by wanking on about how he was in the studio when they were remixing U2, then shows off his Wikipedia research skills by giving us the whole history of the band before concluding that Hayley is kind of OK. Liza Minnelli says U2 is too safe. Dicko says Hayley wasn't great but she didn't destroy the song either, it was a nil-nil draw.
Moving along to STAN who takes a look at Hayley's puny U2 gun, pushes it aside and reaches for the double barrelled nuclear missile launcher with Survivor's Eye of the Tiger. Oh dear. This has bad news written all over it.
And then - BLOODY FUCK WHAT THE HELL? Stan's done a Dean Geyer (but with less bum crack), back flipping out onto the stage. TAKE THAT, MOFOS! STAN'S HERE AND HE'S GOING TO KICK YOUR ARSES LIKE SOME KIND OF CRAZY IDOL NINJA! YESSSSS! Suddenly it doesn't matter that he's wearing a pooncy vest with a giant treble clef on it, like he's just come back from band camp. As with the vest, the rest of the song is a bit crap to be honest - he's out of breath and missing a few words here and there, BUT WHO CARES? HE DID A FUCKING BACKFLIP! GO STAN!
In Pot Luck terms, Stan would probably be Todd Rixon if he had never broken his arse and just kept on dancing. But as there's no video of that, I'll have to go with Michael Cannon instead. Michael who? Cannon. What? CANNON. Can you spell that?
La Wentz says the Benjoel told him to watch out for Stan.
"If you don't win this thing and you end up with nowhere to go, give me a call please," says La Wentz.
Well that's positive - if Stan loses, maybe Pete can help get him his job back at the mall?
Minnelli takes credit for Stan's amazing gymnastics by mentioning the treadmill again. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN TREADMILLS. Dicko bums one of Minnelli's funny pills with the Mitsubishi logo printed on it and says Stan's performance had all the hallmarks of a bad karaoke song, and it was awesome. CONFUSED? GOOD. Marcia says something inconsequential and then it's time for some padding, courtesy of Ricki Lee. She's interviewing some woman who's campaigning for world hunger relief, which is a little like Lindsay Lohan interviewing someone campaigning for alcoholics anonymous.
Anyway, back to JAMES who is doing More than Words by Extreme who, by the way, ARE STILL TOURING.
"I think I might go watch The Wire. I can't stand another hour of this shit," says Raoul.
"MORE THAN WOOOORRRRRRRDS," I sing.
"Shhh! I can't hear it now because of YOU," snaps Raoul in what would seem to be a very sudden change of heart. See what Extreme can do to a man?
As you've probably guessed, I missed most of James' performance because I was singing my own version, but I know that it included bongoes, a guitar, a pair of VERY shiny shoes, and no high bits.
It was a bit like Gary Bond, but with less apt lyrics:
Minnelli says he hates that song but loves it when James strips. Then he says he wants him to "bring it out" for the next song. Let's hope James takes note to ensure a rollicking Chippendales-style finale! Dicko congratulates James on not choosing a "girlyman" song. Er, excuse me Dicko, but James just sang More Than Words. It's not exactly Enter Sandman, is it? Apparently Extreme are proper rock according to Dicko because "they wore leather pants". So did the Spice Girls.
Marcia says something about gravitating. Or maybe levitating. Whatever it is, we can probably attribute it to some of Minnelli's pills. La Wentz confuses the Idol judging panel for his weekly therapy session and says he never got to second base with any of the girls at school.
"What's second base?" I ask.
"Fingers. Fingering," says Raoul sagely.
Next up is HAYLEY again - Ken Doll announces she'll be singing INXS. A furious round of betting begins in Idol HQ as to which song she will attempt - Raoul says New Sensation, I say Suicide Blonde. I would normally have gone for Never Tear Us Apart but after Wern I'm not so sure.
"Here's Hayley Warner with New Sensation," shouts Ken Doll. Bugger.
"LIVE, BABY LIVE - NOW THAT THE DAY IS OVER," she sings, badly off key.
"Now that my career is over" might have been more appropriate. This is truly terrible. I didn't think Hayley had it in her to be crap, but she's pulling out all stops tonight. In Pot Luck terms, she's definitely this chick:
The best thing I can say about Hayley's performance is that it makes me realise I never want to hear anyone sing New Sensation other than Michael Hutchence.
"That was a poo sensation," says Raoul.
Dicko says Hayley has bacteria in her voice, which would possibly explain why she has suddenly gone to shit in this competition. Marcia uses her fallback for when she has nothing nice to say - complimenting the band. La Wentz says something about interacting with the audience for about the 500th time this episode. Jay Dee continues his Liza Minnelli impression by saying he'll reserve judgement until her third song. Fortunately for her, Liza's fans did the same thing when she was here recently.
Next up is STAN doing James Brown's It's A Man's World. It's a good choice, and he's looking schmick in a black suit jacket and white unbuttoned shirt. He stands there, he sings it, there are strings, there are no back flips, it is still pretty awesome. Like this woman:
Marcia tries to outdo La Wentz's suck-up tales of celebrity by saying she once got to see James Brown sing that song. Good for you, Marcia. La Wentz says something about what Stan has in his "wheelhouse", which I think is some weirdo Americanism for "cockpit". Luckily, we all already know what Stan has in his cockpit, thanks to his backflip earlier in the evening. Jay Dee tries to make himself look emotionally open by pretending to cry, and Dicko brings it on home with the Completely Obvious Joke That I Can't Believe Nobody Has Made Yet by saying it's "Stan's world".
JAMES is back next with with Foo Fighters' Learn to Fly, which he's decided to strip back to an acoustic version. JUST FOR SOMETHING FUCKING DIFFERENT.
He grabs his guitar and starts strumming Summer of 69 before changing his mind and sticking with the Foo Fighters plan. Eventually he gives up, slings his guitar off and starts to lead the audience in a clap. His shoes are still shiny.
This man's shoes are also shiny, but he's slightly more entertaining than James:
Fearing Marcia's celebrity anecdotes might be more impressive than his, La Wentz wanks on about how Dave Grohl bought him a beer in Germany once, a boring anecdote that takes about 20 minutes to tell and has no real point. Jay Dee says it was more "Poo Fighters" than Foo Fighters, a joke which was funnier when Raoul said it about 10 minutes ago. Dicko says James is missing he point of James - WHAT IS THE POINT OF JAMES? TELL US! Marcia says James has an inner thing.
"He has an outer thing too, and I want him to bring it out!" shrieks Jay Dee.
And so we move on to HAYLEY who has decided on The Verve's Bittersweet Symphony for her final performance. Hmm.
"It's a metaphor for life," explains Hayley helpfully. Thanks Hayley.
It's alright but, you know. It's Bittersweet Symphony. WHERE THE HELL IS THE GOD DAMN ROCK AND ROLL? TWO HOURS OF POWER? TWO HOURS OF SOFTCOCK BOREDOM, I SAY.
Raoul declares the whole thing "snoozeworthy". Her final word is "die" and that about sums it up. In terms of coolness and rock and roll swagger tonight, Hayley is on par with these ladies:
Jay Dee her voice breathed, the tonalities came back, and some other crap no one believes. ADMIT IT, SHE WASN'T THAT GOOD TONIGHT. Dicko says Hayley has a commanding femininity. Maybe that explains the military jacket?
Marcia says as long as she put her own spit in it, it's good - a philosophy Marcia applies equally to cooking, so beware if you're ever invited round to the Hines household for dinner. La Wentz manages to say something without telling a half hour anecdote about another celebrity friend of his, and we move on to our final performer of the evening - STAN - who is bringing us all home with the power of the lord and Amazing Grace, otherwise known as The Song Most Likely To Get a Standing Ovation From Marcia.
Hey, do you think Stan's religious?
"Christ, I'm going to get some cloves of garlic," says Raoul.
"He's not a vampire, he's a Christian," I argue but it's too late - Raoul's already threading garlic onto a piece of twine for round his neck.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound... Christ, this is more like an episode of Songs of Praise than Idol. I suppose it IS Sunday. Meanwhile, in the background, Jay Dee is so mesmerised by the performance he's talking animatedly to Pete Wentz about hair - possibly the fact that he has none.
I'm sorry to say it, but Stan's performance is about as exciting as Raymond Schild's:
Clearly swept up by the whole happy clapper vibe, Dicko says he's proud to be part of a show that "allows a lad to find redemption through music". I'm starting to feel that the consumption of grade A narcotics is necessary to understand the judge's comments on this show. Marcia says he sings from "that very special place".
"What, Sydney?" pipes up Raoul, who still hasn't buggered off to watch The Wire.
La Wentz says Stan took us on a journey with his voice, and used both of his pipes.
And that's it for another week, kids. Who do you reckon is out next week? I think it might be Hayley.
Meanwhile, if only NATHAN had been allowed to perform tonight, I'd like to think he would have done something equivalent of this (and hopefully with a similar costume):
Welcome back Idolites! Wow, it seems like only AN HOUR since I last recapped an Idol episode - how time flies, eh?
And to make tonight's show THRILLINGLY DIFFERENT from the last eight, it's NOUGHTIES NIGHT, meaning our finalists can only sing songs written in the last nine years.
fa
I am going to kick this off with some bets right here:
No one will sing Good Charlotte, but that's OK because they've turned up anyway as our special extraneous judges for the night.
Apparently their names are Benji and Joel, but as they're virtually indistinguishable - and as I can't be stuffed writing out idiotic comments from FIVE judges - I'll just call them Benjoel.
"People just want three chords and the truth," says Benjoel sagely, the first of many pearls of wisdom to emanate from their collective mouth this evening.
Over to Ken Doll, who's announcing he has the results of last week's vote in his hand like it's something special and new. WE KNOW, YOU DO IT EVERY WEEK. But wait...
"Before I get to the results, Toby - I believe you have something to say," he says.
OMG - Toby is gay. He's a woman. He's not actually a teacher, he's really a lesbian cowgirl slaughterhouse worker. Oh wait, that was Kate. Um, OK, Toby's already released a CD of 90s Britpop Hits in Tanzania and he's been disqualified. He only has three days to live. WHAT IS IT?
"After many many hours of soul searching and many sleepless nights I';ve decided to withdraw form the competition tonight," he says.
A noise that sounds like 1200 cats being squashed at once emanates from the audience. And while there may actually be some cats stuck under the seating scaffolding, I'm assuming the noise is actually people squealing with disappointment.
"I'm not sure if I want a career as a singer," he continues, while Sabrina sits at home throwing whatever she can reach at the TV.
Even Marcia - who has forgotten to take off her Pippi Longstocking costume from last night's Halloween party - is shocked.
He craps on a bit about being real with himself and stepping aside to allow the other contestants to prosper as young Australian artists, while Dicko sits back smugly thinking "I said you'd be better as a teacher, didn't I?"
While this is all very MOMENTOUS and exciting, Toby does go on a bit. When he starts rabbiting on about being "an older Aussie bloke who decided to step up and give it a go" and apologising for leaving his fans "downhearted", I long for a fast forward button. Come on Tobes, if you're leaving, GET THE HELL OFF THE STAGE.
"This has been the most amazing experience of my life, and I now know who I am - I'M A TEACHER," he says triumphantly.
Everyone gives him a standing ovation, proving that the only things that can earn you a touchdown on Idol these days are being Liza Minnelli, or being a teacher. Who knew?
"To my schoolkids, I've taught you all to just have a go, especially at things you're passionate about," he continues, in what feels like the 53rd minute of his farewell monologue. He neglects to mention he's also just taught them all the valuable lesson of QUITTING when things get tough. Thanks, Mr Moulton!
He goes on for another 20 minutes or so about what a great time he had and how he's a teacher, and he loves his job blah blah blah, yeah whatever Toby - we all know the real reason you're ditching out on the show is because NOUGHTIES NIGHT would have forced you to sing something outside of 1994.
OK let's all move on - can we kick someone else out tonight as well? Sadly it appears not, although Ken Doll rather cruelly reveals that had Toby not stepped aside, it would have been JAMES' turn to leave.
James tries to conjure up some tears of gratitude but can't quite care enough to be successful.
Then we watch a massive package on Toby - sadly not featuring Toby's massive package - then everyone stands up and applauds again, then Ken Doll says something else about how great Toby is, then Dicko asks him why he made the decision and Toby starts crapping on about Balmoral Beach... ENOUGH ALREADY! It's been 15 whole minutes, can we move on yet? Christ, this bloke's having more farewells than Nellie Melba.
Finally he leaves, and Benjoel comes on and WE FINALLY GET INTO SOME GOD DAMN SINGING with NATHAN, who has chosen to sing Ne-Yo, who I think is one of those r&b dudes that sounds like a ringtone. This should be good.
In a nutshell:
And if Toby's potentially Oscar winning monologue about being a teacher wasn't enough education-themed padding for you, here's some more - meet Mr Whoever He Is, a teacher from some school somewhere who won a special concert with Dean Geyer. He's a Christian, Dean's a Christian, the whole school is Christian, so I'm guessing it was a really hardcore concert.
Apparently Mr Whoever won this special treat through a scratch card he got at KFC.
"Have you been on the treadmill lately?" yells Jay Dee.
Meanwhile, I think KFC should be applauded for motivating people to eat healthy - if eating a burger can win you a private concert from Dean Geyer, I'd probably opt for a salad.
As it turns out, the concert also features the Idols, and a shitload of product placement. I'm sure the parents of students at Whatever The Fuck Christian College are happy to know their kids spent half the day on the oval having a South African man yelling at them about KFC while five strangers sing Queen in the background
Toby would never let that happen in his school.
Moving on to JAMES who is living up to his lesser nickname of "Mini John Mayer" by doing John Mayer's Daughters. Yawn. OK, wake me up when Benjoel starts talking again.
"The beauty is, if you make it big in Australia, you can make it anywhere else in the world," says Benjoel, who clearly hasn't passed this piece of wisdom on to Powderfinger, Jimmy Barnes, John Farnham... basically everyone who's not ACDC.
And lo, the Benjoel spake again:
It certainly is.
So, James in a nutshell:
Ken Doll proudly announces that not one contestant has picked a song by Hinder, Nickelback or Creed, blithely ignoring the fact that This is How You Remind Me is one of the best ever songs to sing... well, ever. Sure, people might not like LISTENING to it, but who said we liked John Mayer either?
Over to STAN who is singing Let me Love You by Mario, who I think might be Ne-Yo's second cousin. But I secretly hope he means THIS Mario:
As it turns out, he doesn't. Instead, it's another one of those ringtoney r&b songs that I hate, but Jay Dee seems to love.
"Damn, damn damn damn damn," says Jay Dee.
"Stan, Stan Stan Stan Stan," he continues. Can anyone join in here? Man, man man man! Ham, ham ham ham!
Then he gives him six out of 10 for doing the remix instead of the original. Hands up who knew it was the remix? Hands up who's even heard the original? Right, moving on.
The Benjoel says it likes Stan's swagger. ALL HEED THE WORD OF THE BENJOEL. Dicko says it was like r&b night at the local RSL. THEY HAVE THOSE? If they did, this choir would surely do a sellout tour:
Marcia says bugger all, leaving Ken Doll and Stan to fill for two minutes - so they reminisce about Toby. BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T HEARD ENOUGH ABOUT FUCKING TOBY TONIGHT.
Finally it's over to HAYLEY who's channelling her inner fat lesbian to do The Gossip's Heavy Cross, a song that three quarters of the audience won't know and the remainder won't like. Good for her.
Even though it looks like she's wearing school shoes and an old denim jacket that someone has attacked with a Bedazzler, she looks completely hot. She sounds pretty good too, except for those high notes. DON'T TRY TO GET HIGH, HAYLEY.
"I can't believe you're only 17," says the Benjoel, who is possibly wondering what age constitutes "legal" in Australia.
Meanwhile, Dicko says Hayley got swamped by Beth Ditto's undies - they must have been cotton, because she didn't suffocate. Marcia says nothing of importance. Jay Dee says he likes to listen to that song after a hard day of banging. Or something. Then everyone gets to watch a once in a lifetime event - Jay Dee's brain slowly exploding on live television.
"You didn't quite reach those dizzy heights tonight, you pulled it off, it was a great song choice, where you're landing, where I want to see you going, but what are you doing with your hand," he garbles, before launching into a full blown monkey impression.
"Ooh-ooh aah-ahh!" shrieks Jay Dee, waving his hand around. Did he take the brown acid or what?
"Don't do that," snaps Marcia, who is obviously well acquainted with side effects such as this.
"Don't do what?" he guffaws.
"Just keep that out of it," she snaps.
"I'm just having a conversation, OK, OK, I'll just talk to Hayley then, because that's what I'm gnnggggg," he rambles.
DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE? IS MY TELEVISION DRUNK?
Marcia starts giving Jay Dee a lecture as we move along to NATHAN for round two, who's doing some song by Daniel Merriweather that isn't Mark Ronson's version of Stop Me so I don't care about it.
He sits on a stool, he sings a song competently, I am bored. It sounds like something out of The Lion King. God dammit, what is WRONG with these Idols? When is someone going to come out here and sing a massive anthem and blow the roof off? STOP DICKING AROUND WITH BALLADS AND ALBUM TRACKS.
"I feel like from the little bit we've gotten to hang out, you know, you're a nice guy and you know, I like you," says the Benjoel.
Dicko says Nathan's top end isn't as good as Daniel Merriweather's. I'm not sure if I agree with this or not, but I think we can all be thankful he's not saying anything about Nathan's bottom end. But then Marcia ruins everything by thanking him for showing himself. Sigh. And I thought we'd be innuendo free in this segment.
"If you want to get behind Nathan, Australia, just pick up the phone," says Ken Doll.
Moving on to JAMES for round two (great, because round one was so electrifying), who's defying my Santana/Rob Thomas prediction by simply doing Rob Thomas' This is How a Heart Breaks. Hmph. Well, I'm half right.
I have nothing to say about this performance, except that James wears a white jacket with lots of buttons on it.
Dicko opens his book of Idol Judges' Techniques for Critiquing a Particularly Bad Performance Without Being Too Nasty, turns to page 35 and says "Do YOU think you did a good job?" Then he says something about musical foreplay, which forces me to run to the laundry to grab a bucket so I missed what everyone else said. Oh well.
Back to STAN, who's now doing The Climb by Miley Cyrus. Miley fucking Cyrus? Is he serious? What sayeth the Benjoel?
Indeed.
OK, so I haven't heard this song before, but Stan makes it sound like a cross between something from a Disney film and something blissed-out people would sing at Hillsong. It's one of those INSPIRATIONAL songs that you'd expect to be sold with a motivational poster folded up inside the CD cover. It's crap, basically. But you know - it's Stan, and Stan could sing the phone book and sound good. Maybe he should try that next week.
Marcia says she's lost for words, but then finds one downthe back of the couch - "sublime". For about the 357th time this season, Jay Dee says "I've got nothing to say but..." and then says something boring.
"From the minute I met you dude, I liked you," says the Benjoel.
Dicko says he can't wait until Stan does the Nikki Webster medley next week, and the silicon chip inside Stan's brain gets switched to overload - all of a sudden he looks like an angry clubber about to punch a bouncer. Fortunately the moment passes, and he starts laughing again. Is our Stan... mentally unstable?
Let's ponder this as Idol thoughtfully provides us with some more padding, this time featuring people talking about juvenile cancer, and Guy Sebastian singing his crap new song. Sorry Guy, I do love you (and your massive guns) but you know that song is shit.
Anyway, over to HAYLEY for the final performance of the night -something from Fall Out Boy, ie: that other group of dudes who wear pork pie hats and wear eyeliner. It's possibly a worry when you can be out-glammed by a bloke, but it's fair to say that Pete Wentz looks more rock and roll when he wakes up in the morning than Hayley does right now - jeans, non descript shoes and a black T shirt. When oh WHEN are we going to have another gold dress moment on Idol? As for the performance - yeah, you know.
Jay Dee criticises Hayley for not crowd surfing, but says everything else was bloody amazing, and please wil you be my friend cos you're SO cool Hayley oh please, I'll give you my lunch money and everything...
"There's nothing hotter than a chick that brings the rock," says Dicko, who has clearly been sitting next to the Benjoel for too long as he's started to talk in fortune cookie format.
And that's it - apart from a final performance by the Benjoel which, frankly, isn't half as entertaining as its comments from the judging panel all night. Male Kelly Clarkson? Gold.
See you next week, when we get down to the final three. Bye James.
Editor's Note: This recap is extremely late, and for this, my dear readers, I apologise. In fact I've gone one better than that - this morning I fashioned a switch out of hickory sticks and I beat myself with it for exactly seven hours as punishment for being so reckless with my recaps. I do hope this somewhat makes up for my lack of attentiveness. Now, read on, and expext the Final 4 recap later on today...
Just for something different on tonight's Idol, the theme is CONTESTANT'S CHOICE NIGHT. At last - the Idols get a bit of freedom to choose what they want to sing instead of being restricted by such limiting themes as STAGE AND SCREEN NIGHT (ie: any song ever featured in a musical or film at any stage in history ever) and ROCK NIGHT (ie: anything with guitar and drums in it).
But there's a twist - apparently the Idol's song choices tonight are supposed to "reflect them as artists" and show the sort of music they want to produce if they win. If only the recently self-confessed alcoholic and bisexual Kim Cooper was still on the show, we could have expected some Lindsay Lohan covers.
On to the group performance which tonight is some song I've never heard of. It's all quite entertaining until about half way through when the doors at the back of the stage slide open and Kate steps out. Damn, I forgot she was still there. Plus there are the following irritations:
1. Stan is back wearing a hoodie again. What happened to the vest manifesto?
2. Nathan appears to have dyed his hair with some Napro Live Colour wash-in rinse in shade #666 - Emo Pain.
3. Hayley is dragging the 80s kicking and screaming back to TV by wearing the most unfortunate pair of jeans I've ever seen. Held together by the seams, they're covered in so many holes and rips they are practically begging to be euthanased.
Meanwhile over at the judging desk, Marcia's neck is being attacked by a large aquatic animal.
We'll check in with her later and see who wins the fight.
Back on stage and Ken Doll is reminiscing about last week when he got to share drugs with Liza Minnelli via osmosis.
"I think we all learned something from having her here," says Ken Doll.
"OK the results are in everybody," says Ken Doll, getting out his special Idol envelope.
"...and Australia has decided that Liza Minnelli is a tired old hag," finishes Raoul.
As it turns out that's NOT what is written inside the envelope - rather that KATE, STAN and JAMES are in the bottom three.
Don't worry,it's all a ploy for ratings. Obviously he'll be sent back fir... JAMES IS SAFE? What the? DON'T YOU MEAN STAN? CLEARLY YOU READ IT WRONG, KEN DOLL.
It's down to Stan and the cowgirl. I can't watch. OK that's it - if Kate stays over Stan, I am boycotting the rest of the series in protest.
"Can we watch a movie instead if it's Stan?" says Raoul, who is eyeing off a Werner Herzog DVD. Film snob.
"The Australian Idol dream is over for you... Kate Cook," says Ken Doll.
Stan walks off crying like a big hoodie-wearing baby, while Kate turns to the side, spits and wipes her nose on her sleeve. But not before this intimate moment is captured on screen:
"So now we have to say goodbye to one of the most amazing performers we've seen on this program in years," says Ken Doll. What? Stan IS leaving? Oh wait, he's still talking about Kate.
"I love youse all so much, ay. Oym prahhd to be an Oztrayan," she slags, before being kicked off the stage and back into obscurity. Have fun Kate, watch you don't trip on that tumbleweed on your way out.
Over to Ricki Lee, who's looking slightly distracted - possibly because she's inadvertently picking up Indian public access television direct to her head via the biggest pair of earrings you've ever seen.
Given those suckers look like they weigh about 3kg each, I hope this means we can expect to see Optus sponsoring Ricki Lee's stretched earlobes next week like this:
Anyway, on to the performances which tonight starts with JAMES. But first, a montage - as every Idol has gone home to visit their families this week, and they've decided to film it in the misguided impression that anyone is interested. So we see Mini Zoolander going home to the rest of the Zoolander family for a visit, where is he welcomed by some chopped celery and supermarket bought dips in plastic tubs and some ham and cheese sandwiches. HIS HOME LIFE IS SO GLAMOROUS ALREADY, WHY ON EARTH DOES HE WANT TO BE A CELEBRITY?
James sings Mercy by Duffy, otherwise known as that song on that tampon ad. Given he's surrounded by big red swirling clouds during three quarters of the performance, this isn't really working for me. Plus it starts with an exceptionally 80s saxophone intro, which makes the whole thing feel a bit like a deleted scene from Chances (probably deleted for its distinct lack of nudity). Couple all of that with James' stiff Kel-Knight-esque dancing and you've got a distinctly awkward package.
"Why won't you release me," he sings. Next week, James. Next week.
"He's got ME begging for mercy," snarls Raoul, who is still staring intently at his DVD.
Dicko says James smiles too much. Maybe he could threaten to drown a puppy and help him change that? Marcia says "As long as you're not singing about someone shooting your grandmother, sing with a smile on your face." Backstage, Stan looks at his song choice for next week, Nanna Pumped Full O' Lead, and makes a mental note not to smile. Jay Dee channels Barbara Walters and starts probing James with deep questions, like "Do you really want to win this competition?" and "Do you think I'm cool?". Fortunately Marcia butts in with a game of eye spy she's playing against herself in her own head (NB: she's winning) by saying James looks like something that starts with a "W".
Moving on to TOBY, who is continuing his meteoric rise from "good looking single teacher" to "sexy superhero snag who regularly sings to children, rescues puppies and wants to meet your mum" by going back to his country hometown, leaning on a few watertanks, hugging a few nannas and crying.
"Grow a dick," shouts Raoul.
"I think about the kids especially every day and I really miss being here," he says, while simultaneously adopting an orphaned kitten and untangling a dolphin from some fishing line.
Toby may well be Australia's perfect bachelor, but he also happens to be stuck in 1996 - a characteristic he demonstrates for the 500th time tonigh by singing Oasis' Don't Look Back in Anger. I have no idea how he sounded, because Raoul and I were too busy reliving our own personal 1996, very loudly. But I was somewhat impressed by Toby's use of "singting" ie: sing acting, by bugging out his eyes and pointing at people when singing the chorus.
Marcia says from a mother's point of view, most mothers can only hope they get a teacher like Toby to take care of their kids. And from a single mother's point of view, most can only hope Toby appears at their house one day with a single red rose, a Tickle-Me-Elmo and a tool belt and offers to make love to them, fix the leaky kitchen sink and be the new father of their children.
Jay Dee says "The gloves are off - we're where we are", which is almost a haiku, or a Doors lyrics, I can't quite work out which. Then he picks a fight with Marcia by misquoting her, which leads to an entirely boring exchange about whether she said "son" or "teacher", and Dicko wraps up by saying Toby is too clean cut.
Charging ahead to NATHAN, who instead of going back to what everyone knows is his real home (ie: underneath a pile of feather boas in the spare dressing room at the Theatre Royal) disappoints everyone by outing himself as a bogan complete with staffy, concrete backyard and single mother. He then achieves Solid Gold Bogan status when the local mayor announces Nathan is an official Ambassador for Parramatta.
He's singing Maroon 5's Makes Me Wonder. As tonight's song choice is supposed to reflect Nathan's direction as an artist, this makes ME wonder what kind of artist chooses to sing Maroon 5. He's compounded the boredom factor tonight by wearing a really dull outfit - the official Idol uniform of black shirt and tight jeans (extra points for not wearing a vest though). He does make up for it somewhat with his colourful "oh no you didn't" facial expressions, but his voice is wavery and his pitch is all over the place - he's singing like a five year old who's just been told they're been too naughty to have any ice cream, and they're being sent to bed early.
Jay Dee says it was a good song choice, and congratulates Nathan on "putting himself into a nice comfortable box". THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING - ZING! Dicko says it was too pitchy, and Marcia agrees with him. SEE, THERE REALLY IS A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.
On to HAYLEY, who goes back home to give an impromptu performance outside her local fish and chip shop to an audience of about 10 people, six of whom have no idea who she is.
"It means heaps that you guys have fully just come," she says in that eloquent fashion we've come to know and love from Hayley.
Tonight she's singing Somebody Told Me by The Killers. If only somebody told her about THOSE HORRIFIC JEANS, which she's still insisting on wearing. The high notes are proving a problem, so she runs around extra fast and jumps up and down a bit more to make up for it. It doesn't really work.
"Somebody told me that that was abysmal," sings Raoul when she's finished.
Either the judges have all been sharing whatever drugs fell out of Liza Minnelli's purse and onto the floor last week, or the Idol studio is an amazing, magical place where everything sounds a lot better, because everyone goes crazy for Hayley's clearly crap performance. Obviously things look a lot better in the studio as well, because Dicko says Idol has never had anyone as cool as Hayley in seven years. This is despite the fact that she just spent approximately four minutes jumping around like an out of breath toddler at a Wiggles concert, squinting and yelling in the absence of being able to reach the high notes. Also, I'd like to remind you of this:
"I could watch you all night," Dicko says, but forgets to finish his sentence with "on the hidden webcam I've installed in your hotel room".
Marcia adds some well needed critique to the debate by saying "you go girl". Thanks, Marcia. Jay Dee says it could have been a little bit more electrifying. But by how many more volts?
Moving along to STAN who goes back to Coolangatta where they're already advertising his job at the mall. So if he doesn't win Idol he's going to have to try the Westfield one suburb over.
Then we meet the 500 members of his big, loving family, which is rather a new spin on the "I had a horrific childhood" story he's been dishing out until now. What is this, rent-a-family? IS THIS A COVER UP?
Who cares, he's singing Hallelujah, which (under special a Bland Canyon loophole) allows me to do this:
Clearly Stan has been taking voice lessons from sex phone operators this week, because he sounds like Carlotta with laryngitis. It's quite an achievement to turn a beautiful, spiritual hymn into something lewd but somehow Stan manages to make David "pleasing the lord" sound rather obscene.
Fortunately at some point Stan hits a key change, takes a left turn and ends up in Touchdown City. The ghost of Holden almost falls out of the rafters in excitement.
The ghost of Kyle says nothing, having buggered off to play Wii with Brian McFadden.
Over at the judges' desk, Marcia's having palpitations (although whether that's from the brilliance of Stan's performance or the funny pink pills from the floor, we're not sure). Even the seaweed around her neck is giving him a standing ovation. Dicko dusts off his Idol calculator, does a few sums and says Stan's performance was 90 per cent awesome. And nine per cent "meh" and one per cent weird, what with the flying purple elephants hovering around his head all the time. Note to judges - LEAVE LIZA'S PILLS ALONE. Jay Dee says "I'm about to become the most unpopular person in the room", forgetting that he is in fact ALREADY the most unpopular person in the room.
Back over to JAMES (will this madness never end?). He's clearly suffered a severe brain spasm backstage and forgotten that he's a cute, clean cut 18 year old who actually looks 12, and mistaken himself for a rough, sweaty, sex god. Which explains why he thinks he can sing Kings of Leon's Use Somebody.
He's strapped on a guitar for effect - unfortunately the effect is more Bryan Adams does Kings of Leon. Or maybe The Osmonds. As soon as he sings "I've been running around" Raoul silently stands up, picks up his DVD, and walks out of the room. You can only push a man so much.
Cue the judges' criticism about the song being too sexy for James in 3... 2... 1...
"Caleb is so sexy behind the microphone - and that was a cup of tea behind the microphone," says Jay Dee.
Dicko says it should have been acoustic all the way through. Yeah, unplugged! Unplug the microphone too! Marcia gives James props for light and shade - presumably a lamp and a garden umbrella.
Next up is TOBY, doing something completely left field and out of his usual range with Politik by Coldplay.
Once again, Toby's "stage presence" amounts to him creeping about the stage pointing at people and staring angrily at them. I'm not surprised he's angry - this is a shite song to choose for a finale. Not even Coldplay would finish a gig on this song.
Dicko says it was "terrific, committed and wonderful" - which, coincidentally, is the exact headline Cleo Magazine is planning on using for Toby's Bachelor of the Year entry in 2010. Marcia calls it "mighty fine" - which, strangely enough, is Cleo's second choice of headline. Jay Dee says he doesn't get him, but admits he doesn't get a lot in life. Like renewed contracts on television shows.
Over to NATHAN again for Mad World. I fear he may have taken the song's title a bit too literally, given that he appears to be wearing a bed sheet underneath a leather jacket. Apart from that though, it's a bloody good performance - my inner Paris Hilton is screaming "THAT'S HOTT!". It's definitely the performance of the night so far.
Dicko's inner Paris Hilton agrees, saying it was truly excellent, awesome, excellent. Marcia says she's glad Nathan resurrected himself.
Jay Dee resembles something starting with a "W" by referring to himself in the third person, saying "The mean one's smiling, yay!". Since when is Jay Dee "the mean one"? I thought he was the unecessary one. Or the boring one. Or the irritating one.
Then there's HAYLEY whose gone Stone Cold Sober with a song by Paloma Faith, otherwise known as Gabriella Duffy Winehouse. I'm sufficiently distracted by her shiny black leggings for enough of the performance to miss most of it, but I think I can safely say it was quite good - despite a distinct lack of Pink.
Clearly as bored by this whole thing as I am by now, Dicko says "bloody great, love" and leaves it at that. Marcia says Idol has turned into the Hayley Warner show. If that means she can now sack Jay Dee, I'm pro this development. Jay "the mean one" Dee does some more name dropping by saying his boss had dinner with Paloma recently. Everyone struggles to care.
And we move on to the final performance of the night...
...STAN who will no doubt bring it on home and have people pounding the floor and swinging from the rafters with a completely awesome rendition of... Ain't No Mountain High Enough.
Seriously - AIN'T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH? Of ALL the songs he could have chosen, he goes for this lame soundtrack-filler? STAN, I AM LOSING FAITH IN YOU.
Added to the crap song choice, he's out of breath, missing out words and dancing like your dad at Christmas. Stan, what the hell have you done?
"Ain't no mountain high enough," he sings.
"The only mountain here is the steaming pile of poo that Stan's just pulled out," yells Raoul from the next room. I concur.
Back at pill-popping central, Marcia says it's an old standard, and Stan breathed new life into it. I think what she meant to say was that she has low standards, so Stan's performance was OK. Jay Dee gives Stan a Sandilands-style backhander by asking if he's still using the treadmill. I think this means STAN IS FAT. Dicko says it's a terrific way to end the night. I concur, as long as you're talking about a hen's night, at a cheap karaoke bar, after six bottles of fruity lexia.
And there you have it. A whole week late, BUT WASN'T IT WORTH IT?
See you in NOUGHTIES WEEK, when Stan will (hopefully) sing more Beyonce, Hayley will (hopefully) sing more Pink, Toby will (hopefully) not sing more Coldplay and James will sing something from the year of his birth.
Welcome to Idol's first ever STAGE AND SCREEN NIGHT, the night that pretends to honour Broadway musicals but instead turns out to be a celebration of pop songs that have appeared on the soundtracks of straight-to-DVD movies. So really it's more of an AND SCREEN NIGHT.
And who better to pretend to honour Broadway in front of than the diva herself, LIZA MINNELLI?
"If you were shitting in a theatre chair and you were looking at this performance, what would you want to see?" asks Liza.
Cleaners running towards me with mops and buckets, I think. And someone with a spare pair of pants.
Meanwhile, as all the other Idols are busy looking at each other going "Who the f*ck is Liza Minnelli?", Nathan's inner puppy dog looks like this:
And then in a scene reminiscent of the last time your grandma had too much sherry at Christmas lunch and started singing show tunes, Liza comes racing out onto the stage in a black sequinned sack and starts belting out Cabaret.
The tween audience is thrilled.
Now look - I'm no gay man, but I love Liza. I love that she's a wild-eyed, screeching, stomping, sequin-clad hot mess who looks like she's taken more drugs than Keith Richards - and that's just in the last 24 hours. But even I'll admit that this performance was RUBBISH. She sounded like a drunk yelling to the neighbours after locking herself out of her apartment building at three in the morning.
Not only that, but she seemed obssessed with looking around behind her all the time - maybe she was expecting the nursing home staff with a big net and straight jacket at any second.
Of course, she gets a standing ovation anyway, because it is international law punishable by firing squad that Liza Minnelli must always get a standing ovation for Cabaret.
Then she pashes Ken Doll on the lips and flounces off - clearly whatever she's imbibed in the last 24 hours makes its way relatively quickly into G's bloodstream, as he starts waving to the judges and prattling on nonsenically.
Over to the bottom three, which tonight is HAYELY, KIM and KATE. Well this is a no brainer - goodbye cowgirl! Oh for f... are you serious? SHE GOT THROUGH? HOW FAR CAN ONE GIRL GET ON SO LITTLE TALENT? Could it be possible that Idol's resident rock chick will be kicked out tonight? (well, that's what you get for singing Tainted Love WITHOUT ONCE SINGING THE CHORUS, YOU PRANNY.)
But no, it's little Kimmy Cooper who gets the arse. Fare the well, blondie - you couldn't sing but you knew how to accessorise. The worst part of all of this of course is that it suggests Jay Dee's comments actually hold some weight with Idol viewers.
Backstage two crew members hoist Liza onto a sack truck and roll her out for round two with Ken Doll, which involves this sparkling piece of repartee:
KEN DOLL: Tell me Liza, after your shows do you rouge your knees and roll your stockings down?
LIZA: WHAT?
KEN DOLL: And all that jazz? No?
LIZA: Wha.. do I WHO?
KEN DOLL: Exactly.
Of course, the correct response from Liza should have been "No I don't, because as everyone knows that's CHICAGO not CABARET, YOU MORON."
First up tonight is TOBY with Queen's Somebody to Love. Is this like, the 15th Queen song we've seen on the show this far? Whatever happened to Stevie Wonder and Whitney Houston? I haven't used my counters in ages.
Liza leads him through a rehearsal in which she helpfully tells him he's like a stunned mullet that somebody hit with a wet towel. Maybe she's not so out of touch after all.
At this point I'd like to remind you that tonight is STAGE AND SCREEN NIGHT. Of course, some idiot turned the songs of Queen into a Broadway musical, which somehow makes Toby's song choice legal.
So anyway, Toby sounds pretty good - but once again he just strolls around the stage pointing at people. MEMO TO TOBY: remember this guy?
You can't just stand there looking awkward and singing pretty and looking very very gorgeous indeed and... er... ahem. Anyway you can't just stand there and expect to win this thing, Toby. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR FELLOW SOUTH AUSTRALIANS.
Dicko tells Toby he has to sell his body to win. Well, that would probably score him more votes. Marcia says it was incredibly gay. Oh wait, GAME. Sorry, I thought for a minute she might have been talking about Jay Dee's shirt.
Liza says something about kittens and rainbows and pass the gin please, and Jay Dee says he has nothing negative to say. Which makes a nice change from every other week when he has nothing at all to say.
Moving on to STAN, who's chosen The Circle of Life from The Lion King.
I mean seriously, The Circle of Life? LAME. Fortunately he hasn't dressed up in a faux fur headdress - instead he's opted for an ill fitting Ed Harry suit and T shirt. Actually, I'm not sure whether that's any better. So yeah, look, it's a passable performance. I mean, it's a good performance - if you're into the Lion King. So if we can all get into our Deloreans and travel back to the early 90s when people actually liked Hakuna Mutata, Stan will be fine.
Marcia says she got chills - although that could just be the air conditioning. Liza says she could have used a little more body movement in her belief system. And also a little more gin in her martini. Jay Dee says "THIS GUY'S A STAR!" and still fails to get the crowd excited. Dicko says "Hakuna Mutata", so clearly his Delorean is still running fine.
Next up is KATE with Son of a Preacher Man.
Liza hits the rehearsal room to give Kate some much needed advice on how to sing the song.
"Look - Billy Ray was a girl. She was a PREACHER'S SON," slurs Liza, while Kate nods and smiles, wondering how she missed the whole transexual subplot of the song on first reading.
In a nutshell:
Moving along to HAYLEY who is singing Powderfinger's These Days.
Apparently it was in some Australian film at some point. Yeah great, whatever. I mean, what is the point of this theme? It might as well be "sing whatever the hell you want night".
Nutshell:
Next up is JAMES with the first fully proper authentic Broadway song of the night - You'll Never Walk Alone from Carousel.
Jay Dee thanks Nathan for cutting his hair (he's offering haircuts to the Idol crew now? Is Nathan SURE he has a girlfriend?) and Dicko says he's travelling well.
Next on the block is... hang on, what the? TOBY? We've already seen him! WHADDYA MEAN THEY'RE DOING TWO SONGS EACH?
Right so, OK, it's TOBY again with Radiohead's Exit Music from a Film. Apparently this was in some Baz Luhrmannn film. I think you know what that means.
"Get over your Radiohead obssession, dickhead," spits Raoul. I concur.
Marcia says "I love radio HEAD!" Not sure what that is - is it different from TV head? Liza says it was really sexy. And also, is that gin on the way? Jay Dee asks if Toby wants to be Radiohead, to which Toby replies that's where God wants him to be. What the? Have all the Idols turned churchy over the last seven days? AND WHAT KIND OF GOD WANTS ANYONE TO BE RADIOHEAD?
"I'd love to see things from Jay Dee's point of view but I can't get my head that far up my own arse," snarks Dicko.
"Not even with all that Jenny Craig?" snaps Jay Dee.
"Can you sort this out Liza?" interrupts Ken Doll
"Yes. Speaking of Joey... er..." stutters Liza, proving that in fact no, she can't.
Back on the block is STAN with We Will Rock You. Ie: Queen. AGAIN.
As expected, it's very r&b meets rock. It's quite good. But you know, it's Queen. I AM SO OVER QUEEN ALREADY.
"We will, we will rock you," sings Stan.
"Fuck you stick it right up you!" finishes Raoul triumphantly. See how Liza likes THAT version.
Jay Dee gives his usual enlightening commentary by saying "Band - wow". Also: "Food - good" and "Marcia - pretty". Dicko calls the song ghetto fabulous, despite Queen songs having absolutely nothing to do with the ghetto ever. Liza says it was a powerhouse. Marcia says something else, I dunno - I can barely remember my own name anymore this show's been going on so long.
KATE gets up again, sings something called Make You Feel My Love, which apparently was written by Bob Dylan, but was on one his albums post 1966 which means I don't care about it.
Kate is... you know, Kate. I can't even be bothered with this girl anymore. She wears a hat and a big old belt buckle and sings a song. Whatever. The judges have clearly all been lulled into a dream state as well - either that, or they've all beensharing Liza's pills - as Dicko says it was captivating, Marcia says it made her want to embrace her, Liza says it was really good and Jay De says he can see a beautiful energy. Someone light some incense and let's get this shit over with.
HAYLEY hits the stage next with Oh What a Night, which is apparently allowable because it's in new musical Jersey Boys.
Hayley's performance in four words: bongoes, strings, not bad.
Just for something different, Marcia says she's always loved that song and it's one of her favourites. Liza says Hayley's shyness is touching. Also, could someone do something about that two tonne pink tarantula dangling from the ceiling above her head, it's casting a shadow. Jay Dee says Hayley shouldn't experiment, unlike everyone on the judging panel this evening. Dicko's pills kick in and for a second he thinks he's on Celebrity Masterchef, saying the song didn't have much sugar, but it had heat and some sour tones. It probably would have gone well with a nice cold sauvignon blanc.
JAMES is back with Crazy Little Thing Called Love, otherwise known as a song that would have gone down better last week. Also:
So apparently this song featured in 2006 film Failure to Launch. Remember that smash hit? Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker playing romantic leads - what could possibly go wrong with that concept?
"I hate this song," spits Raoul.
Me too. I also hate James' stupid black suit with the white piping round the edge, and his faux Elvis accent, and the over enthusiastic brass in the band... I HATE IT ALL. WHEN WILL THIS SHOW BE OVER?
Liza says he could have used more intention. JUST LIKE SHE COULD USE SOME MORE GIN IN HER GOD DAMN MARTINI, IS NO ONE LISTENING?? Jay Dee reaches into the deepest recesses of his critical brain, and says "On the flat bits it was a little flat". He truly is a wordsmith. Dicko says it's all there, he just needs to put it together - like an Ikea bookcase.
And finally, we bring it on home with a proper theatrical finale befitting a celebration of the stage - NATHAN with Music of the Night from Phantom.
"I want you to think of something absolutely glorious from one night in your life," says Liza during rehearsals.
"Slowly, gently," sings Nathan, making me wonder just what glorious night he's re imagining...
He's no Michael Crawford, but he does a tidy job of a big song in a small space of time. OMG, is Nathan my new favourite?
"That was slamming and in the pocket," says Raoul.
"He's still in those fat pants though."
I concur.
Jay Dee says Nathan brought the fire. Everyone nods and smiles and pretends to know what he means. Liza says "Let's go for a walk!", then realises she's still on a live TV show and contiunues anyway.
"I wanted to walk with you and I wasn't afraid," she says. You know you've made it when you can sing to Liza Minnelli and not scare the shit out of her.
"You look so mature, as if you could have taken me or Liza by the hand wherever you wanted to take us," gushes Marcia, while thousands of viewers around the country reach for their Inappropriate Flirting Buckets to spew into.
And lo, so endeth Stage and Screen Night. Thank god for that. Anything last words, Liza?
Exactly.
In the words of Ken Doll: tonight is going to be big, it's going to be loud...
...IT'S BIG BAND NIGHT! What better way to rope in that crucial 13 to 25 demographic than with a heap of old fogey music that only mums and dads listen to?
I know, how about bringing in a MASSIVE STAR - HARRY CONNICK JR!
Look kids, he was big in the 90s, OK? And for the record - Mr Jr is looking so hot right now, despite being the ripe old age of 42. At any rate, this should be fun - the last time Harry Connick Jr was asked to be a talent judge on Australian TV everything went fine, didn't it?
Not looking quite as hot - in fact, looking rather a lot like Mr Sheen - is James Morrison, who has kindly elected to blow his trumpet on stage tonight and, as we shall find out later, give some of THE BEST CRITIQUES IDOL HAS EVER SEEN. Can we replace Jay Dee with Jay Em?
And after poncing about on stage for five minutes to I Just Whispered Your Name with the other Idolites, Ol' Shark Eyes aka SCOTT Newnham is booted off the show, thanks to the voting public finally realising that Australia needs bricks laid more than it does another shitty R&B record.
Ken Doll introduces Mr Sexbomb Jr and asks him what advice he can give to the Idolites.
First on the block tonight is KATE, who's extra pumped about performing because she misheard the producers and thinks it's actually "Big Hat" night.
Kate describes singing in front of a big band as like being "in front of a Mack truck pushing you down the road". Hmm. Can that be arranged?
Kate takes Ray Charles' Hit the Road Jack and force feeds it Valium, then whomps it on the head and drags it around the stage a few times for what feels like AN ETERNITY. I'm just about to pass out from boredom when she runs over to the band, waves her arms around in the air and shouts something like "AHHHANGONAMINUDDISTOOSLOWSSTOOSLOWSPEEDIDUPABIDWOULDYA", prompting everyone to take a hit of meth and resume the song at 20 times the speed. The result sounds like a 1980s boombox chewing up your mum's favourite Motown tape.
Then she finishes with a resounding "GO ARN MATE, GET OUTTA HERE!", which is how I imagine Steve Irwin would have done it had he been a Ray Charles impersonator instead of a wildlife warrior. It's all very Rooty Hill RSL - here's hoping there'll be a chook raffle later.
Dicko says she kept it in her own area, Marcia congratulates the band and Harry says "I'd pay a lot of money to see that" but forgets to finish his sentence with "go far, far away and never come back". Jay Dee, who tonight is dressed by the good people at GLAD...
...says "keep doing it". Let's count how many times he says something similar tonight, shall we?
Next up is STAN, who proves he is indeed "the man" by electing to sing Beyonce's Single Ladies.
On big band night.
Truly Stan, you are a genius. This is definitely in keeping with my "everybody needs to do more Beyonce" call of Week One.
Right about now it's time for my weekly reminder of this:
In a nutshell:
Next up is little KIM.
From the looks of the rehearsal footage, Kim seemingly kicked off her session with James Morrison by grabbing the side of her head and shouting "SHUT UP!", which is quite coincidental as that's the exact same reaction I have whenever Kim comes on screen.
She's chosen The Man I Love and sings it the way everyone on the face of the earth knows it to be sung, which apparently is WRONG and if you sing it like that JAMES MORRISON WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH HIS TRUMPET. But instead of smashing Kim over the head with a brass instrument he just tut-tuts and craps on about reading the sheet music and learning the melody and how Kim won't accept criticism and she's tense and defiant AND A LITTLE SO-AND-SO UPSTART WHO WOULDN'T KNOW JAZZ IF IT CRAWLED UP HER NOSE AND FARTED ON HER BRAIN.
And from that inglorious intro we segue into Kim's performance. She looks absolutely luscious in a little black and white frock, diamond drop earrings and a sweet 20s water wave bob but it's like Morrison's put the kaibosh on her - she's flat and out of tune, and bounces between sounding tired and shouty. It's not a good mix.
The Connick says Kim did an OK job, especially considering she's only 21 and it's really hard to sing big band at 21 and... oh hang on...
"Ella Fitzgerald, Nina Simone... Kim Cooper. Hmm," says Jay Dee helpfully, presumably to remind everyone that Kim is not yet a mega famous internationally respected jazz singer who is also dead.
"Do you want to be a singer or do you want to be a celebrity?" he continues, in what might be the first HANG ON - WTF? moment of the 2009 Idol season.
"For one I'm really offended that you would even ask me that, I'm here to be an artist," snaps Kim, putting the smackdown on Jay Dee.
"When you turned up to the auditions six months ago did you turn up to sing? Because I heard you'd turned up to bring one of your friends along," counters Jay Dee.
"I've always wanted to be an artist, I've never been in doubt about that," Kim snaps back.
"Well you pulled off a performance, so you know, keep getting there," slags Jay Dee.
"That's fine, Jay Dee," snaps Kim.
WTF just went on there? That was more like some weird lovers' tiff than a performance critique. Best move on to Dicko Depends - he says she looks sizzling but the vocals were dreary. Oh dear. Poor little Kimmy Cooper. Never mind, Marcia will say something nice and/or indecipherable, that'll fix it.
"You had some terrible pitch problems tonight," she says.
Ken Doll whips out a copy of Marcia's new self help book and reads a paragraph about loving yourself WITHOUT A SINGLE HINT OF IRONY. What the hell is going on around here?
Moving right along to JAMES aka Mini Zoolander aka Ben Stiller who shrunk in the wash, who's chosen to do that completely original and totally not overdone standard, Fever.
"I've chosen this song because I want to show Dicko that I'm not just a little kid, I'm a... I'm a... a MAN," says James, although it's hard to hear him with his voice cracking like that.
"He's determined to get away from that image of the kid and being a cutie and you know, OK, that's his call," scoffs Morrison, and you can almost hear him choking on his own derision.
Then he advises James to think of a hot girl in a bikini while he sings - James suggests Miranda Kerr. Oh dear, I hope he's not wearing those tight pants again this week or things could get even more awkward than that Jay Dee/Kim face off.
In a nutshell:
Moving along to HAYLEY who is attempting to out-awesome Stan tonight with a Big Band version of Tainted Love.
"I was a bit intimidated because there were like, 30 people with massive instruments just staring at me," she says at her first rehearsal.
In a nutshell:
Next up is NATHAN "Gaythan" Brake, who should take to Big Band like a drag queen to chicken fillets and sparkly eyeshadow. He's doing It Don't Mean a Thing If it Ain't Got that Swing. Hmm. I kind of hate this song. But I kind of love Nathan, so it should even out.
Without further ado, the nutshell:
And it's on to our final performer for the night, TOBY with a really fresh, cool song that isn't at all tainted by the booze-soaked memories of the thousands of bad karaoke singers that have come before - My Way.
Apparently this song is a big deal for Toby, because he's been doubting himself lately and wondering which path to take, and the pressure of Idol has been getting to him and OH JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SING THE KARAOKE SONG, WOULD YOU?
If you missed Toby's performance, just remember the last time your drunk workmate sang it at three o'clock in the morning that time after one too many pints and a bitch about the boss. It's just like that. Except (and I'm making assumptions about your workmate here, but) Toby is better looking.
The Connick says Toby looks like James Bond and did a fantastic job. Jay Dee said "vocally, you sang that". Thanks, Jay Dee. Dicko says Toby sang it like an introverted school teacher. THAT'LL SELL RECORDS: INTROVERTED SCHOOL TEACHER SINGS THE HITS! Marcia says the band was "fantastically outstanding" and Toby's suit is sharp, but neglects to say anything about Toby's actual performance. Oh well. Then Toby reveals that his housemates have moved all his stuff out of his house and he's basically homeless, to which everyone laughs. HA HA, TOBY'S HOMELESS! HE DID IT HIS WAY!
Then The Connick sings a song, everyone holds hands and smiles and the show is finally over. Thank god. How can there be fewer and fewer people every week and yet it seems to run longer and longer...
And just when you thought Idol couldn't get any gayer, Ken Doll announces Liza Minelli is guest judge next week.
See you then, biatches. I reckon it's Kim and Toby on the chopping block next week - but I haven't predicted one loser yet, so don't listen to me.
Roll up everyone, come join the Idol funhouse - it's PINK Night tonight, meaning we'll be treated to two hours of girls screaming, boys changing lyrics to suit their heterosexuality (with the possible exception of Nathan) and everybody pretending it's not a massive let down that Pink isn't actually there.
Time for another massive let down - the entire final nine singing Get This Party Started, which is about as lame as it sounds but which improves dramatically at its conclusion, which features Ken Doll suspended upside down over the audience threatening to vomit on everyone.
"You look like Tinkerbell," hoots Dicko.
"I thought he was going to say he swings both ways," snorts Raoul, in what is obviously a much better joke (although somewhat let down by its rather defamatory nature).
Let's check in with Ricki Lee:
When it comes to the ceremonial booting, it seems all the girls are safe. SUCH IS THE POWER OF THE MIGHTY PINK THAT YEA, THE VERY MENTION OF HER NAME IS ENOUGH TO PROTECT HER SISTERS FROM THE IDOL HAND OF DOOM.
Hitting the skids tonight is SCOTT aka the concussed rugby player (could Australia have finally come to its senses?), JAMES aka Mini Zoolander who tonight is giving the entire country the finger courtesy of a T shirt that will no doubt result in complaints letters to Channel 10, and TIM aka the one who's hot and can make coffee but can only sing kind of OK and is a bit boring.
"Yeah, the ones we hate!" shrieks Raoul before launching into a Grease-inspired rendition of "They're the ones that we hate, they are the ones we hate - woo, woo, woo!"
Sadly, the rest of Australia does and sexy Tim is kicked off the show. I'll have a skim latte, thanks mate.
He's rather disappointed, but fortunately Jay Dee is on hand to give him some really motivational and inspiring words: "Keep going and you may get there". Or, you know, you may not. Dicko says he wants to see more of Tim, echoing the thoughts of every red blooded woman around the nation, assuming "more of" means "naked". Marcia says she would have liked him more if he was black and we roll straight on into our first performer for the night - NATHAN, who is slowly completing his metamorphosis into Matt Corby by wearing a bigger and bigger tea towel around his neck every week. Actually I think tonight he's graduated to tablecloth, there's so much check around his neck.
He's doing Like A Pill tonight, a nice angsty song which should provide him with a good opportunity to show off his method acting skills (ie: clutching at his hair, dragging his hand down his face and looking pained). And clearly Matt Corby isn't the only former Idol Nathan's been studying - he's got the patented Dean Geyer stare down pat.
It's all very slow and intense. Then he says "bitch", throws the mic stand on the floor and struts off - it's rather like Ja'ime's tantrum from Summer Heights High.
Overall it's rather fantastic - full of passion and angst and foot stamping, I LOVE IT. Although I do wish Nathan would stop wearing tight jeans - honestly, will someone please tell him he has women's legs? Or maybe don't, that's mean. Just tell himthat Matt Corby doesn't wear skinny jeans anymore and he should stop.
Dicko says he looks five years younger and his performance was delicious and sexy and naughty, which gives a somewhat disturbing insight into his personal preferences. Marcia says Nathan told the story and it made her nervous. Was it a ghost story, Marcia? Did Nathan tell you a ghost story? Just for something different, Jay Dee says he agrees with everything the other judges said. Pink says nothing, because SHE'S NOT FUCKING THERE.
Up next is SCOTT the shark-eyed brickie, with So What. In homage to Pink he's turned the rock up to 11 with a TOTALLY AWESOME AND FULLY ROCK AND ROLL FAKE TATTOO SLEEVE.
"I guess I just lost my girlfriend, I dunno where she went," he blahs into the microphone. OH GOOD, I JUST LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE CHANGE THE LYRICS OF SONGS TO SUIT THEIR GENDER, IT'S SO COOL.
"I'm alright, I'm just fine and you're a tool," he continues. Um, actually I think the one prancing about on stage wearing a fake tattoo sleeve and pumping his fist into the air like his team's just won the grand final might be the tool.
"The biggest crime of this show is that they gave that bloke confidence," says Raoul, shaking his head.
Marcia says the song made her nervous. Again. Does she need some valium or what? Then she gives Scott props on the bridge - I'm not sure what props or which bridge, so let's just say she gave him an umbrella and a teapot on the Golden Gate. Jay Dee says he got through it with charisma but there was no dynamic in the vocal and he flatlined, and a few other wanky made-up industry terms. Then he brands it "Hi-5 does Pink", which is possibly the most interesting, accurate and witty thing he's said since the series began. Dicko tells Scott to go home and watch a Robbie Williams DVD to work on his rock and roll attitude, which is kind of like telling someone to study a bar of soap to work on their personality.
Moving on to this year's winner, STAN "The man" Walker who tonight is taking the official Idol 2009 uniform of "the vest" to a whole new level by wearing it WITHOUT A SLEEVED SHIRT UNDERNEATH.
Sadly his arms are lacking the tone required to make all the female viewers forget about Tim - when it comes to guns, Stan's got water pistols. On a positive note, he's got a sexy new hair cut and he's rocking a brand new attitude, of which I highly approve.
Ricki Lee's paunch asks Stan if he likes Pink, to which he replies: "Oh yeah, she's the man!"
Stan's taken to the official Idol stool to sing Dear Mr President, a song that everyone pretends is really great because it's about George Bush, but actually is a little bit hokey.
He starts off OK, if a little unsteady. He looks confused. He's very quiet, then he stops. What the hell is going on here? Is he drunk? Has he forgotten the lyrics? IS THIS SOME SORT OF GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY TO STOP HIM FROM SINGING A POLITCAL SONG? But then the music swells, he regains confidence and Stan kicks into gear, finishing triumphantly with some acappella magic.
As it transpires Stan is neither drunk, forgetful or under attack from ASIO - he's just deaf.
"I couldn't hear anything, ay. I was flat the whole first butt," he slobbers.
OK so actually maybe it was some sort of techno problem with his earpiece. Whatever it was, Jay Dee says Stan coped with it well and the second half was good. Dicko asks why Stan chose a protest song and Stan cites Pink's gigantic balls as his motivation. Marcia says she heard something and that's all she can say. So at least SOMEONE could hear something up there. Oh and also, that's her favourite song.
Next up is KATE, aka the contestant who is stubbornly refusing to be voted out every week, who has finally revealed why she's been wearing a cowboy hat 24 hours a day since the competition started - her hair's not very good.
I have officially changed my mind about the hat. KATE - PUT IT BACK ON.
In a nutshell:
Moving right along to JAMES, who is trying to shake off his "nice guy" image by wearing a T Shirt that basically screams "Fuck you Australia".
But who exactly is that? Pete Doherty? John Lennon? Phil Jamieson? Maybe it's Bob Dylan, giving James the finger for daring to wear that T shirt the other week.
"Has he got midget disease or what?" scoffs Raoul in between mouthfuls of banana. I assure him there is no such thing as midget disease and no, he can't catch it from a toilet seat.
In a nutshell:
"I would really enjoy punching him in the face," says Raoul.
And from there we roll on into KIM "I hate the 80s" Cooper who says she loves Pink because she "connects with her angst". While she's pouring her heart out about her troubled childhood and adolescence, Raoul and I have a spirited debate about whether she's sexy or not. I say yes, he says no. A text message from my sister reveals the sentiment is echoed at her house - she says yes, husband says no. Initial research would seem to suggest that Kim is one of that rare breed of women who are attractive only to women - like Anne Hathaway, Reese Witherspoon and any model who's not Megan Gale or Miranda Kerr.
Kim continues the evening's tradition of singing all of Pink's lamest, slowest songs from a stool and chooses Family Portrait, her whinge song about her parents' divorce. Jeez Pink, what will you write about next - the day your dog ran away? The time you were teased at school? Overall though it's a pretty good performance - Kim looks good, she sounds good and goodness she has great teeth. Sadly her ripped pants make her look like she's been attacked by a cheese grater - or possibly some of Kate's more alphabetically-challenged fans.
Jay Dee says he got off a plane from Las Vegas 24 hours ago and didn't think he could be anymore surprised. No word on what amazing surprises he found in Vegas - I'm not sure we want to know. Dicko says it was fantastic and Marcia says she admires her conviction. Exactly what Kim has been convicted of is not revealed, but I'm hoping it has something to do with what happened to Jay Dee in Las Vegas.
Next up in the cavalcade of stars is TOBY "nanna bait" Moulton with Please Don't Leave Me. But first we're treated to a montage of shots of him strolling through green fields with his guitar strapped to his back, staring wistfully into the distance like some kind of sexy wandering minstrel who travels through country towns offering lonely farm widows a song and a smile and maybe a spot of shirtless wood chopping in exchange for a slice of pie and a warm bed for the night, except when night falls and the embers in the fireplace die down low he gives them more than just a sweet song on his guitar...
Ahem.
In a nutshell:
Jay Dee says something superfluous, but looks remarkably like he's made of plasticene.
Finally bringing it on home is Idol's very own Pink impersonator, HAYLEY with Funhouse.
In a nutshell:
Given I predict Kate to go every single week and she's never so much as hit the bottom three, I will instead go for Scott. Pity - I'd like to see ol' Shark Eyes attempt ol' Blue Eyes.
So far this Idol season there's been Rock Night and Top 10 Night -, so what theme will tonight's Idol celebration take on? Let's play the Bland Canyon special super happy mystery guessing game, and see if you can work it out:
I disappeared last week (thanks to a hefty dosage of frozen margarita) but now:
The judges love Scott Newnham but one day they'll realise he's actually really
Take or leave him but honey please believe that Jay Dee ain't ever going to be
And remember: nobody puts Toby in a corner.
If you haven't worked it out yet YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO BE READING THIS BLOG, GO AWAY, WE TALK ABOUT ADULT THINGS HERE.
For the rest of you - of course it's 80s NIGHT, an evening typically filled with skinny ties, tight pants and tragic teenage reinterpretations of songs old enough to be their parents.
Really, is anyone else COMPLETELY DISTURBED by the fact that half the Idols were born in the 90s, making the 80s well and truly retro? Or is that just me? Oh shit, I'm having an acid flashback to 1993 when I thought the 70s were THE OLDEST THING EVER AND WEARING LOVE BEADS AND CORK WEDGES WAS TOTALLY SUBVERSIVE, OMG.
Fortunately the Final Nine...
...are on hand to ruin my self-indulgent flashbackery with a godawful performance of Duran Duran's Girls on Film, in which Scott does a grand impression of David Brent from The Office, courtesy of his totally demented dancing.
Sadly Hayley isn't given a chance to recite the "lipstick cherry all over the lens" line, despite her obvious suitability for it after practising "lipstick cherry all over the microphone... and top lip" last week
Sabrina seems to be taking the theme a bit too literally in red leopard print tights and a high pony tail. Even Kate has updated her look to include a jacket with zippers. Eight-ees! The crowd goes wild, even though 3/4 of them have never heard that song before.
"Welcome to 80s night, we're rolling up the sleeves on our pastel jackets and dusting off the fluoro headbands," says Ken Doll wistfully, as if 'the kids' haven't been wearing those things for over a year already.
Time for this week's elimination, which comes down to SABRINA ARENA, LITTLE KIMMY COOPER and GAY-THAN, who are sent to centre stage to shiver in the cold wind of Australia's indifference. Sabrina I can understand, given she spent most of last Sunday wiggling, grabbing her hair, jumping up and down and shrieking "WHEN LOVE TAKES OVAHHHHHH-EHHHHHH-YEEEEEAHHH!!!". As a refresher:
Nathan and Kim I can barely remember at all - I think my memories have been blocked out by Hayley's red lip disaster.
In a surprise akin to drinking a bottle of Tabasco and finding it quite spicy, viewers decide to favour the cute blonde girl and the nice polite boy over the demented, loud, possibly dangerous Tina Arena knock off and Sabrina is kicked off the show. I guess Australia just couldn't get hip to her screeching, screaming, wailing vibe. I'm about to get up and make a cup of tea to avoid having to hear her sing When Love Takes Over again (if you time the boiling of the kettle at just the right point you can block out the sounds of the TV) but it quickly becomes apparent the producers have struck this performance from the program. Yes, it was THAT bad.
It's a pity Sabrina's gone, because apart from her being the only halfway interesting contestant this year (ie: the only crazy one) I was really looking forward to seeing her sing something like this tonight:
Never mind Sabrina, when an entire country doesn't like you just remember - there's always France.
Moving on, and our special guest fourth judge for the night is 70s/80s Aussie music superstar Ross Wilson, otherwise known as Spicks and Specks host Adam Hills.
And how are our fifth and sixth judges doing, up there in the rafters?
And without further ado, let's lambada over to NATHAN "Gaythan" Brake for tonight's first solid gold, totally musclebound and completely not gay performance of Bon Jovi's Livin' on a Prayer.
"Dicko keeps saying I should be more feminine and camp, and I've just picked the most heterosexual song EVER," laments Gaythan in what could double as an audition monologue for the character of "Young Mr G" on Summer Heights High II: The Early Years.
"Listen Dicko - I've had a girlfriend for three years and it's never going to happen between us," he continues in what he obviously thinks is a hands down winner in the "I'm not gay" argument but which, through chronically poor phrasing, has actually made him look gayer than we ever thought possible.
He's doing his best to act more heterosexual which, when it comes to planning his performance costume, seemingly amounts to "wearing a cap". Well have YOU ever seen a gay man in a cap? Hmm?
"This is going to be a boring performance, I fear," says Raoul.
He's right. It's solid but boring, and sexless. Rather like Rosie O'Donnell.
Dicko says he should have done Rio or Hungry Like the Wolf - as if we're all not still trying to get over the Girls on Film debacle from 10 minutes ago. Has Dicko got a stake in a new Duran Duran greatest hits album or something?
"What's the difference between Duran Duran and Bon Jovi?" says Raoul quizzically, at which point I launch into a karaoke version of Hungry Like the Wolf versus Livin' on a Prayer complete with air guitar to show him the subtleties. Hint: Bon Jovi is slightly less gay.
Marcia says Livin' on a Prayer is one of her favourite songs of all time, which brings the "Marcia's Favouite Songs of All Time as Mentioned on Australian Idol 2009" iPod playlist to approximately 15 million. Jay Dee shows his off his giant wit by taking (get this) one of the lyrics of the song Nathan's just sung and then (wait for it) QUOTING IT BACK TO HIM IN A DIFFERENT CONTEXT! In this case he says Nathan is "half way there". Genius.
During the adbreak I see this trailer:
Which makes me wonder: WHO WILL BE MAN ENOUGH TO TACKLE THE JACKSON TONIGHT? Stan, I'm looking at you.
Next up is SCOTT the brickie who has very unwisely chosen to sing Let's Groove. Oh dear. The last time we heard Earth Wind and Fire we all had cruise ship flashbacks. BECAUSE IT'S IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO, IT'S FRICKIN' EARTH WIND AND FIRE.
"This is the kind of music I want to make, but the modern version of it," Scott says.
"I just feel I shouldn't be here sometimes," he continues, a statement to which you will find no opposition in my house.
Last week Scott looked like a concussed rugby player. Tonight he looks like a pissed, concusssed rugby player singing disco at the premiership piss up. This is not helped when he attempts a knee slide and some vocal gymnastics worse than Tim's.
"This has to be the single worst performance I've ever seen on Idol," says Raoul.
"What about Damien Leith on disco night?" I counter.
"No, this is worse," he says glumly.
Clearly lost for words, Ross sums up Scott's performance with the highly ambiguous comment "That's what I call a career move!" - one hopes it's a move back to his previous career of ANYTHING BUT SINGING.
Marcia, who tonight is dressed as a nun, says "Hell yeah!" which sort of ruins the ilusion. Jay Dee says he has mixed emotions about Scott, even though he came through and pulled it off and he should keep growing. Hmm. Thank goodness for Dicko and his voice of reason, who alerts everyone to the very same fact we all realised in a moment of frozen margarita-induced clarity last Sunday: SCOTT HAS SHARK EYES.
Well actually he said Scott had "eyes that don't register anything" but I've taken it to the next logical step.
Moving on to HAYLEY and her rendition of Bruce Springsteen's Dancing in the Dark. In a nutshell:
Next up is Adelaide's hottest piece of nanna bait best loved primary school teacher TOBY with Foreigner's I Wanna Know What Love Is.
"Oh for god's sake, every song this guy does is a slowed down ballad," shrieks Raoul.
It's true. Toby does tend to sing every song like a tired and emotional jazz singer at the end of a long night at the Las Vegas Travelodge. Which is fine if you've just lost all your money on craps and the hooker you bought turned out to be a man and you're wanting to slump at the bar and cry into your martini to some appropriate musical backing. But not so much in any other situation.
"He's very good looking," I suggest.
"Who cares? He can't sing," grumbles Raoul.
"I think he CAN sing, I just don't know if it's the kind of voice that could sell an album," I argue.
"IT'S JUST GAY AND BORING," snaps Raoul, which rather settles the matter.
Jay Dee says Toby has raw sex appeal and ladies, grandmas and girls are going to love it. Then he reveals that next week is Pink Night - so ladies, grandmas and girls, get ready to see Toby's pink bits!
Dicko asks Toby if he feels guilty. Then he asks if he feels like he's betrayed his passion. Then he gets out his big paddywhacker and asks him if he's been a naughty boy... Toby says he feels like he's betrayed his artistry by singing Foreigner. Dicko clearly doesn't give a shit. Neither does anyone else. Hooray for Idol! Just for something different, Marcia says I Wanna Know What Love Is is one her favourite songs ever and from there we sashay into KIM who is getting her Wilde on tonight with You Keep Me Hanging On.
In a nutshell:
Jay Dee says he sees Kim each week, which is a bit of a revelation for everyone, and we move along to TIM who's doing Heaven by Bryan Adams. Sigh. Bye Tim, no one cares about this song.
The cameraman's loving, lingering close up for the start of Tim's song allows me and Raoul to launch into our weekly debate about whether Tim is good looking or not, which somehow finishes with the revelation that I'd like to "do it to his face". Don't ask me to explain this. I'm not even sure what it means.
OK so is it just me, or has Tim been getting better at singing every week? Or is it just that I've been a bit tipsy the last few Sundays and so am more swayed than usual by his stunning good looks?
By the time I've figured this out Tim has finished and Ken Doll is saying something. Oh well. Ross says he wishes he could take Tim out (don't we all?), before suggesting that he should have an affair with a bad girl. OMG - ME. I COULD BE THAT BAD GIRL. TIM, CALL ME. Marcia says something about getting bent, Dicko says something about electricity and Jay Dee tells Tim he needs to get dirty. Tim reveals he didn't have a shower on Friday, which seems to be rather missing the point of what "getting dirty" is all about.
Dust off your bandanna and pull your cowboy boots on, it's KATE the lesbian cowgirl up next with... BILLY OCEAN? What the fu...
"Hate it," spits Raoul before she's even started her rendition of When the Going Gets Tough.
"Jesus, fuck!" he spluffs when she storms out on stage in an embroidered jacket with zippers, Alice Cooper eye makeup and THAT BLOODY HAT. I concur. Seriously Kate, what's with the hat? Even Wes Carr didn't wear his bloody hat every night.
I'm not going to go into detail about Kate's performance for fear that the simple act of writing about it will revive memories I have tried hard to suppress over the last 24 hours. But the fact that this song is best associated with a) Billy Ocean and b) Jewel of the Nile and now c) a lesbian cowgirl should be enough for you to get a picture of what it was like.
Marcia speaks for the entire country for once by saying she didn't like it. Dicko says it was awful. Ross says Kate has an "attractive voice", which is kind of like saying Kate is a "handsome girl". Jay Dee reaches into the deepest comedic recesses of his soul and brings out yet another quirkily relevant song lyric, saying "the tough didn't get going tonight".
In a last ditch effort to be the only person in the room defending her performance, Kate says When the Tough Gets Going was the best song she could find. From the entire 1980s decade.
Let's move right away from this nightmare shall we, and over to what will no doubt be a standing ovation-worthy performance by STAN, who has narrowly avoided an arse kicking by me for not singing Michael Jackson by masterfully planning to sing Prince's Purple Rain instead.
"This is awesome. Purple Rain? This is giving me a purple patch!" says Raoul halfway through Stan's completely amazingly awesome performance. I have no idea what he means, but I don't care, I just want more, more, MORE STAN!!
As Stan rounds off the song with a stunning a cappella finish, and the roaring crowd jumps to its feed, Raoul and I conclude that it is the best performance by anyone, ever.
Jay Dee says "that's how you win a competition", which is weird because I totally don't remember that lyric in Purple Rain. Dicko says Stan makes the whole Idol thing seem so simple. What like, getting up on stage and singing a song well and in tune? Gee, that IS simple! Ross says it was a knockout. Marcia says it was the bomb. Raoul and I high five and congratulate ourselves on getting through another two hours of life on the couch.
So there you go, what an awesome show! Can't wait to... what's that? We're not finished yet? You mean someone has to follow THAT? What do you mean James hasn't sung yet? Who's Ja... oh, right. Good luck, Mini Zoolander, you haven't got a hope in hell. I search for Stan's performance on Youtube so we can watch that again instead, but sadly no one lives in the future yet so it's not there. Sigh.
So anyway, JAMES is doing The Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News. And he's wearing a vest. IT'S ALL SO LAST WEEK I'M SO BORED ALREADY HURRY UP WHERE'S STAN WHEN YOU NEED HIM.
James in a nutshell (and he'd probably fit in one too):
And as Tag Team said back in that OTHER decade that's now considered cool by young people I find annoying - "Whoomp, there it is!". Another episode down, another clock set ticking on another wannabe musician's career. Hooray!
Kate - tick, tick, tick...
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