Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Five

For those of you who may have missed last week's episode, and all of the earnest newspaper articles it spawned, here's a brief rundown:

Alamela got sad


Jodhi got angry


Bitches got a slap on the wrist

Of course, there's always Demelza Von Scragface's version of events, which goes something like: "Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but I DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH HER OR NUFFINK AND SHE STARTED IT ANYWAY JUST ASK ALYCE but don't talk to Rebecca cos she's a big fat bitch and a lezzo too I know cos I seen her down behind the bike sheds with Leiden and that."

HONEST.

Demelza also wins the inagural Bland Canyon MOST PISS POOR APOLOGY OF THE YEAR AWARD for this effort:

"Because you'd hidden, in a way, like, the way you were feeling, we probably couldn't understand what was happening, and it did go too far, and it, like, did go to the extent where you like, got really really upset, and I just want you to know that I do feel really badly for that, and I don't want you to feel that way again."

Bitch, PLEASE. You poured water on her head and punished her solidly for weeks. The word you're looking for is SORRY.

Demelza's apology went something like this.

We move on to scene two, in which the models head to the local bakery for their daily mid morning routine of eating pastry and cake and other such foods no one else in the universe can eat without getting fat. Alex gets a "large soy mocha" to sip in the corner while wearing a beret and discussing existentialism as regards milk products and the human condition but her plans to catch up on looking cool reading Kafka are thwarted when a motorbike rocks up bearing a huge Jodhi Mail saying something about selling stuff.

The models show off their superior intelligence by surmising that this probably means they'll have to be in a commercial. See, not just pretty faces!

Or in this case, not even.

Suddenly Pease Porridge appears on the street, naked. Whoops no, sorry, my mistake. He appears on the street IN FRONT OF Naked, which is some sort of wanky company that uses words like "branding" and "positive image reinforcement" and "systematified marketation" (I made that last one up, but you get my point). He craps on about jeans for a while, the models pretend to know what he's talking about, I pretend to be interested, then realise I'm not actually there and so don't have to bother, and we fast forward to the next segment which involves all of the models trapped in a little room with butchers paper and textas writing down words that describe themselves.

Of course, Demelza merrily scrawls down things like LOVING, GENEROUS and FUN, failing to add the obvious MEAN, RUDE, ARSEHOLE and BITCHFACE (I'm not sure those last two are adjectives, but hey, one of the models wrote down "PASHONATE" so I don't really think it's a big deal).

Alamela's the modelbot's Grammar and Spelling software crashes, causing her to write down "INTELEGANT" instead of "intelligent". Fortunately her irony software is still working though, as her alarm goes off straight away and she has to reset it.

As if all of this mastery of the English language isn't enough of a challenge, it's time for this week's first challenge: Name a fashion label you identify with, make a collage that represents it, and then dress up in character as one of their models. In a nutshell:

• Leiden reduces Vivienne Westwood to some Sex Pistols lyrics, a badly drawn Union Jack and a worse cockney accent than Dick Van Dyke and is hailed as a genius. Suddenly I understand why everyone makes such a fuss over Keira Knightley.




• Alamela shows how well she knows Chanel by explaining to everyone how Nicole Kidman's involvement in their recent ad campaign really lifted the brand's profile. For some reason, no one bursts out laughing. That happens later, when she puts on a string of fake pearls, grabs a nanna handbag and pretends to be French. (Although I have to admit she's 333 diferent kind of awesome when she laughs and sparkles "Men? Men are interesting creatures. I enjoy them.")




• Demelza causes a mass fashion freak out by describing Gucci as "luxe" and "feminine" but leaving out "sexy". Pease describes this as a "schoolgirl error", which is kind of funny because DEMELZA IS A FUCKING SCHOOLGIRL.




• The sum total of Alyce's effort to embody Galliano is putting on a red jacket. Pease gives her an opportunity to redeem herself by asking her what her character would drink. "Beer?" Sigh.

You fucking idiot.

• Pease's hopes of Demelza showing how SEXY Gucci is are raised when she says her character would spend most of her time "in bed", and are dashed almost immediately when she continues "...recovering from a long night out." Clearly she was meant to say "banging my brains out with my latest male model conquest", but somehow that would seem inappropriate coming from a 16 year old, so perhaps it's best she's just a really crap actress.




• Caris varies her "crying every episode" routine by doing it in a stupid hat this time.

Send in... the clowns...

Moving right along, and the girls are shuffled off to a HIGHLY GLAMOROUS and TOTALLY SOPHISTICATED photo shoot set in the STUNNING SURROUNDS of the Foxtel car park.

"Walking into the car park was exciting, because - what are you going to do in a car park?" says Alamela. Faintly in the background we can hear Mink screaming something...

Clearly it's another one of those fancy dress fashion shoots, as Dawson has come as Oscar the Grouch...

I'll admit it's a tad obscure.

...and the photographer has come as Guy Sebastian:

Hey, isn't he married now?

He tells them they have to pose with a car. In groups. It really IS that interesting. Blatant Ford Fiesta product placement photo shoot in a nutshell:

• Samantha stuns everybody by complaining about her outfit, her hair, the shoot, the other models, the car and Chloe, and not ONCE mentioning her massive eyebrows. THAT is inner strength, ladies and gentlemen. Inner strength or blindness, I'm not sure.




• The fancy dress theme continues, with Jamie dressing up as a seagull, Alamela as a schoolgirl at her formal in 1993, and Alyce as a French prostitute from the Widjimorphup Players' production of Les Miserables.

What do you mean "What does this have to do with Ford?"

• Alamela bemoans the fact that it's hard to "connect with the car". The problem is solved, however, when Dawson breaks the jumper leads out of the boot and hooks her mainframe up to the battery.




• Leiden grabs a wheel in an effort to "look like part of the car", but ends up looking more like a dominatrix in bondage gear changing a tyre on the side of the road for her prim, horse-riding, lesbian client.




• Alyce does a grand impression of Frodo Baggins:

One hairstyle to rule them all.

• Rebecca does an impression of Alamela in week three:

Ho ho ho.

• Demelza drapes herself over the bonnet and manages to obscure half of the car with her MASSIVE, ENORMOUS, GIGANTIC thighs, a sight which causes another fashion freak out, this time from Dawson.

Run, don't walk from THE BLOB.

• Rebecca slaps on a black satin corset and a suspender belt and somehow still manages to show less than Samantha, who mistakes "Chloe" for "Britney" and shows everyone her cha-cha. This prompts Dawson to come out with the quote of the episode (and possibly the entire season): "I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOUR PERSONAL FIESTA, HONEY!" This is outdone shortly afterwards, when she spews "There were so many thighs splayed on that Fiesta - three bored broads lying on a Ford." Why Ford don't take this up as their international marketing slogan is beyond me.

Leiden is praised for her bondage mechanic act and her group wins a trip to Brisbane to model the "winter range" of Holeproof underwear in the middle of a department store to midday shoppers (ie: the old, the fat and the unemployed). I hope against hope that the "winter range" comprises thermal vests, 300 denier skin-coloured pantyhose and bedsocks, but it turns out later it's just the usual undies and singlets worn with a scarf. Of course. Anyway, for some reason, the models act as though they've just been told they all get to sleep with Johnny Depp, except for Leiden, who as we all know has a fear of Edward Scissorhands and so bursts out crying. Probably because she's just heard she's going to Brisbane.

They head back to the model mansion and it appears Jodhello has been taking breaking and entering lessons from Pease 007, as she's sitting on their living room floor reading magazines. Once again the modelettes take a leaf out of the best selling book Overly Enthusiastic Reactions To Not Very Exciting Situations (Or: How to Get Noticed on Reality TV) and promptly freak out. Jodhello tells them they're all going to get a little treat, because they all had a tough week last week.

Excuse. Me.

I believe ALAMELA had a tough week last week, and everyone else got off scott free for being nasty little tarts. AS IF THAT DESERVES A TREAT! I'm about to get all incensed when I realise the treat is actually just parcels from home, so like, who really cares. Samantha, apparently, who continues the spoiled bitchface routine she started last week by crying about only receiving some stupid presents from her mum and like, no letters from her friends or her boyfriend or anything, boo hoo.

Moving right along, and the modelettes head off to NIDA where they will no doubt blitz a half hour acting course, land starring roles in Hollywood blockbusters and be back at the model mansion with an Oscar each before lunch time. Leiden and Alamela can already do accents, come on!

But actually it turns out they'll be starring in a tampon commercial. Close.

An ad exec informs them all they'll be acting "with a prop", and I hope against hope that it's a giant polystyrene uterus they'll have to do a demonstration on. THAT would be a challenge. But no, it's just a stuffed beaver. You know, because BEAVER is a funny word for VAGINA, which automatically makes the AD funny. Well yes, I know we don't use that word here in Australia, but that doesn't MATTER, it's FUNNY in AMERICA, which automatically makes it funny HERE, get it? GET IT?

On a positive note, this does allow the ANTM editors to include 30 seconds of footage of all the modelettes saying "GIANT HAIRY BEAVER" in a sequence reminiscent of this scene from Austin Powers:

It also allows Pease to break out some comedy gold, including such memorable one liners as: "Get familiar with your beaver ladies, you'll really have to work it on set today", "You don't want to break the beaver today, so take care with it" and "Pick up your beaver and let's do it!". Although no one comes close to Demelza who explains the double meaning by blurting "IT'S... WOMEN'S COMPARTMENT!"

Beaver bullshit challenge in a nutshell:

• Samantha decides to outshine Alamela and Leiden in the bad accent stakes by doing the entire commercial as a retarded American.




• Leiden does a shocking job of delivering her lines, but pulls off a remarkable impression of the beaver:

Brusha brusha brusha...

• Still, at least she can successfully pick the packet up off the shelf, unlike Alyce, whose motor skills development seems to have stalled at age four.




• Jamie does a splendid job of walking, talking, picking up packets and holding her beaver, elevating her from the pyjama pages of the Harris Scarf catalogue to, ooh, say the chick on the Watertanks Are Us commecial.




• Alamela sets her speech software to 1955 and her facial expression to "friendly but uncomfortable sex ed teacher" and tells us all which tampons to choose for the ultimate care "down thah". I can't help thinking if she'd had that giant uterus to work with she would have done much better.




• Pease complains that Alamela doesn't have "the diversity a model needs", ignoring the fact that Alice from last year's season couldn't talk on camera to save her life, as demonstrated in episode five, and yet still won the whole entire thing because no one really wants models to talk anyway.




• The line "Hair, skin, eyes, lips - you put the effort in up there, but what about down there?" doesn't really have the same effect when it's delivered by Caris, who has possibly never put effort into any of those four things ever.




• Pease decides a tampon commercial is the perfect opportunity for Demelza to display more sex appeal, and forces her to kiss the other prop on set - an embarrassed boy. Strangely enough, an awkward peck on the lips in front of a massive shelf full of tampons doesn't turn out that sexy on film.

Over at the elimination warehouse, and it's clearly time to make a cup of tea, as Jodhello is giving her usual speech about prizes and such in her usual delivery style of "drunk six year old autistic child".

15 minutes later we're back on track, and it's time to get rid of one of these scrags already. Elimination bitch in a nutshell:

• Peter Morrissey opens his Little Book of Motivational Cliches, turns to page 13 and tells Leiden she doesn't suck, her attitude sucks. Millions of Foxtel viewers who have just seen her woeful tampon commercial beg to differ.




• Jodhello tells Caris her background in acting really shows. So do her braces. And her conjunctivitis.

• Alyce delivers every line in the commercial as if it ends in ??!! and so comes off sounding like she's auditioning for The Sopranos - "What the hell, Jodhi!? You're breakin' my balls over here!!??"




• Jodhello tells Alamela the 1950s sanitary hygiene bot to study the other models in the house to see how a real, live teenage girl acts. You know, all bitchy and catty and mean and stuff. Be more like that. That gets rewarded around here, you know.




• Dawson declares Jamie "Queen of the beavers". Funny, I thought she did that last week when she told her she'd be sure to get a root in the dress she was modelling. I sense a pattern developing here.




• "We've seen more beaver this week than Peter Morrissey has seen in a lifetime," quips Dawson. Or that Alex Perry has seen EVER.




• Pezza and Dawson throw in a few token comments about Demelza being bored, lazy and "coasting by on being pretty" to make up for not thrashing the shit out of her last week. Strangely, the mystery of why Demelza thinks she can cruise through the competition unchecked remains unsolved.




• Pezza says something about groundhogs. Beavers. Groundhogs. Beavers.

Jodhello reads some names off a clipboard, some modelettes walk down a catwalk, and suddenly we're down to two chicks, neither of whom is Leiden, despite the fact that she has about as much talent for television as Jodhi does.

In a totally random bottom two it's Alyce vs. Alamela, and the axe falls on the robot's side. She sheds a few drops of coolant, waves her goodbyes and gaily rolls out the door on her titanium wheels as the other scrags try to hide their joy at her departure.

If I were a more cynical person, I'd say that perhaps this was a mutual decision made behind the scenes... I'll miss that crafty little robot. Beep beep!

Don't forget to check out Jo Blogs' version of events.

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Four

As is the usual custom in ANTM land, we begin this week's episode by strapping on our flux capacitor and flashbacking to last week's elimination, where - darn, what was her name again? All I remember is she looked like a fish - got eliminated.

Except it seems the Doc has made a few bad calculations in the Delorean, as we've somehow ended up in a parallel universe where Leiden and Demelza are best friends.

DOC! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!

"I was like, oh shit, if I'm going Demelza is just going to break down in tears," says Leiden, reflecting on her experience in last week's bottom two and, apparently, her bestie status with Demelza.

Excuse me, but WHEN exactly did this happen? Can we have just a BIT of continuity please? Next you'll be telling me Jodhello has handed over the hosting to Dawson, who in turn has adopted Emma as her own personal hatstand (she'd have the perfect personality for that) and Alamela has been granted her wish to become a real live girl. I CAN'T KEEP UP.

"My bedroom is starting to empty now with Karmilla gone, and now Emma's left," says Alamela. One might be tempted to suggest that she is some sort of BAD LUCK CHARM but fortunately for Alamela, her logic software can't compute that idea.

Back at the model mansion and once again the modelettes are sitting around doing bugger all when ALL OF A SUDDEN:

Well excuse me Mr Pease. Next time don't bother to knock or anything. No that's fine, you just burst in here with a flourish of flamenco music and announce "IT'S TIME TO GET TOUGH" just like that, just glide down the stairs all stylish like that and do that sultry thing with your eyes and... gosh that's a nice suit you're wearing... phwooar... AHEM. Where was I?

Ah yes, well apparently it's time for the models to "get tough", which shouldn't be a problem for Leiden, who already enjoys such hobbies as burping and dirtbiking, but may be a problem for girls like Demelza, who thinks that someone buying the same shoes as her is reason enough for a cry. And it seems I'm not the only one excited by Pease's new found dash and derring-do:

He's such a DREAMBOAT!

Sadly, it's the last time he'll be dropping in unannounced for a while, as Pease drops the DEVASTATING news that he'll be leaving the girls ON THEIR OWN until the next photo shoot. OH MOY GOURD!! Er, hang on, what's different about that? I must have missed all the footage of Pease cooking the models dinner every night and plaiting their hair while they talk about boys in their pyjamas. Are they really going to be traumatised by this?

Apparently so, as all of the modelettes immediately erupt into tears and wailing and gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair. Oh no wait, that's just Demelza and Alyce having a scrag fight again, nothing to worry about. And as Pease disappears upstairs (where's he going to hide, the bathroom cabinet?) we move right along to the first challenge of the week, which appears to be the ever popular CATWALK LESSON.

As last year, we meet up with everybody's favourite runway bitch, MINK. Remember her from last season? I do. You'll find her first ANTM appearance here.

Clearly it's another one of those kooky ANTM fancy dress challenges, as Mink has come as Jennifer Grey post nose job, while the stylist dude called Trevor next to her has come as Norman Cook back when Fatboy Slim was still actually popular.

Exhibit A: Mink and Man.

Exhibit B: Norm and Jen.

I think you'll agree their costumes are pretty damn good.

Mink puts everyone in the mood for a party by dropping two names on the floor ("I've worked for designers like Armani and Valentino..." what, in 10 whole years you've only worked with two big names? Tsk tsk) and then announces she's also a hooker. BOOKER, SORRY, booker. I have GOT to get my hearing checked.

She then comes out with the one quote from this episode you should all strive to repeat at least once during your working day tomorrow: "If anyone needs to be impressed today, it's Trevor."

Trevor the stylist is unimpressed.

Impressing Trevor challenge in a nutshell:

• Mink watches Jamie "Pride of Adelaide" Lee prance down the catwalk and then offers the totally useful piece of advice "You're not blowing me away, OK?". Fortunately Jamie still manages to take home the 2008 Highest Waistband Award for her ridiculous pants.



• As in the horny sailors challenge, Demelza once again thunders down the catwalk at warp speed (maybe THAT'S how she managed to change universes and become friends with Leiden?) and practically gives herself whiplash turning around at the end. "I have a big problem walking in a straight line, always have," she declares, and somehow everything makes sense.



• Alex does her best Kevin Federline with a thin mouth impression and stomps down the catwalk, but even this is not enough to impress Trevor. Despite doing nothing discernibly different from any of the other girls, Mink dubs her attempt "slightly embarrassing". Ouch.

Should I do a rap, maybe?

• Leiden shows off some spunky ripped jeans circa my 14th birthday party and threatens to hit Mink and Trevor. No, not really (apart from the jeans), but that would have been awesome.



• Alamela borrows Jodhello's garbage bag outfit from episode two, sets her catwalk software to "fancy" and does a natty leg-sweep at the end of the runway before turning around and stalking back to the sound of Trevor's laughter. It's about this time that I start to consider Alamela might be on this show as a dare.



• Foxtel's props and sets department outdoes itself once again by creating a CATWALK MADE OF SAND for the girls to walk on that actually is nothing more than the normal catwalk with a bit of sand sprinkled on the top and actually, isn't that hard to walk on. Sadly Trevor's mocking laughter has forced Alamela to drop her leg sweep routine, otherwise we might have seen Mink get a face full of sand.



• Trevor and Mink hang even more unecessarily harsh shit on Alexandra, which somehow makes me start to feel sorry for her.

WHAT THE HELL, DOC?

• They also blow sunshine straight up Demelza's skirt, saying she "looks like a model".

They're right, she totally looks like a model.

Back at the model mansion Demelza continues to show how like a professional model she is by cornering Alamela in the kitchen and throwing a waterbomb at her, then running away giggling by herself BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IS AROUND. WHAT is the POINT of ditching a waterbomb at someone WHEN THERE'S NOBODY THERE TO SEE IT? Fortunately Alamela's circuits aren't damaged and she goes back to studying the density of fruit as she was doing before.

I am wet = affirmative. This apple is 57% water = affirmative.

"I've been bullied before, it's because I'm different," says Alamela.

Aw. That's.... Well, that sucks.

"You learn to live with it," she continues, as I start to feel bad about calling her a robot for the last three episodes.

It seems the girls are also in doubt about Alamela's organic origins, and decide the best way to test for humanity is to pour water onto her head while she sits on the couch, like some sort of bizarre modelling gladiator event in the fashion coliseum.

"She didn't even do anything, she just sat there," chirps head bitch Demelza P. Scragface after the event, seemingly oblivious to the fact that SHE IS AN UTTER ARSEHOLE.

"You're completely different to everyone else in the house," she shrieks in Alamela's face, as all the other bitches girls stand around baying for model blood. It somehow escapes Demelza's understanding that being like her in any regard would not be a desirable characteristic.

"Yeah..." says Alamela.

"YEAHHH that's your answer to everything, YEAHHH," blahs Samantha "Eyebrows" McBitcherson, who has decided to come to the witchhunt dressed as Bootsy Collins, but with less talent.

Make it BITCHY, baby!

Demelza and Samantha's Arseholeism 101 class finally ends, and we move on to the next challenge, GO SEES, although clearly just getting dressed that morning was a challenge for Alex, who has come as a kindergarten teacher from Toowomba in 1988:

WTF?

The girls get put into groups, are shoved into chauferred vehicles and are given the incredibly difficult CHALLENGE of directing their drivers to three different locations. You know, in the American version of this show the girls actually have to USE THEIR BRAINS on their go sees, and use incredibly novel things like BUSES and TRAINS and THEIR OWN TWO FEET to get around. Obviously The Lifestyle Channel is borrowing Fox 8's spare cameras this week and they only have three to go round.

Go see challenge in a nutshell:

• Jamie, Demelza and Alamela manage to get completely lost on the first go - obviously Alamela's GPS software has a glitch.



• Leiden demonstrates her superior intelligence by trying to put on a pair of pants without taking off her stilettoes first, and then putting on a dress backwards.



• Caris earns the lofty (yet obscure) title of being "like tap water", which she's totally fine with, as long as it's not splashed onto her face.



• Samantha is surprised to discover Nicola Finetti is a man. Belinda shrieks "I KNOOOOOOW! I still can't believe Napoleon isn't a skinny, weedy, little man!"

Despite banging on and on about how important it was to be punctual, neither Jodhello nor Priscilla Leighton-Clark seem to give a crap when all the girls come back late to headquarters, and Alyce wins the whole thing. Alex draws our attention to the fact that Alyce reacts to every piece of exciting news by putting her hand to her mouth, which henceforth starts to annoy the living shit out of me.

Is she excited or just yawning?

She wins some pearls and squeals "I WAS GOING TO BUY PEARLS THE OTHER DAY, TOO!" The fact that she apparently couldn't afford a pair of shoes the other day seems to escape both her and her financial advisor Demelza, who she's chosen to share in her prize and so clearly doesn't care that she hates her guts anymore.

Alyce, Demelza and Rebecca get to do a photo shoot for Body and Soul magazine which looks EXACTLY LIKE EVERY BODY AND SOUL MAGAZINE PHOTO YOU'VE EVER SEEN. That is, of course, if you HAVE ever seen a photo in Body and Soul, as it's usually the part of the paper you use to clean up kitchen scraps or line the cat's litter tray with. For the uninitiated: models in overpriced lycra gymsuits doing yoga poses in front of a body of water. EVERY. FUCKING. WEEK.

While all this hilarity is going on, the "losers" of the go see challenge (which is sort of EVERYONE, given they were all late, but anyway) get to walk on treadmills in high heels, which everyone is pretending is "good catwalk practice" as opposed to "stupid, painful torture".

Demelza sees this as her opportunity for round two of the Alyce and Rebecca sponsored Punish Alamela-thon and launches into attack. Alamela flicks her self defence switch and puts up her dukes as the bitchketeers land punch after ridiculous punch. Rebecca's advances are momentarily deflected when she blurts out the memorable but not so intelligent phrase "I find YOU disinteresting!" but eventually the whole thing is shut down with one over-dramatic cough from Alamela - has she got the consumption?

"I'll openly say that I could probably be nicer to her, but I don't wanna be," spits Demelza La Scrag. And with that, we move on to the photo shoot (FINALLY, have there been like, A MILLION challenges this episode or am I just starting to FEEEEEL THE CHAYYYY-ANNNGE?) which is for Alex "Pezza" Perry's new cook book. Or fashion book. Or look book. Whatever it is, our modelettes are pretty half baked:

• Trevor makes a reappearance. And aren't we all happy about that.

Trevor is a stylist.

• Pezza says "I know you girls are in a competition, but I can't tell you how little I care about that today," as if he feels differently any other day.



• Pezza quote #2: "All of them think they're beautiful, but none of them are that beautiful." There's no joke attached to that, I just love that he said it.



• Pezza brings in model Laura G, who is clearly the reason why Jordan from last year isn't getting any work - this chick's cornered the squinty, thin market. Pezza calls her his "sure thing". No one questions what this might mean.



• Alex demonstrates some previously unseen humility by admitting nervousness in the face of the "sure thing". Alex my dear, am I starting to like you?

NO, DOC! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!

• Pezza quote #3: "Belinda. Kill me now. Just stab me in the neck."



• Alyce "does extraordinary things to the clients". This is never elaborated on, but we can probably assume they enjoyed it.



• Leiden struggles to squeeze her ENORMOUS size eight and a half torso into a Little Bo Peep dress and amazingly manages to look fabulous and daring rather than like a transvestite Swiss flower girl.



• Alamela's skeletal frame proves too small even for the world of fashion, and ends up looking like she's camping out in Pezza's outfits rather than wearing them.



• Rebecca does a crap job, causing Pezza to blurt "That just cost us $475!" Somewhere in the distance Mink the hooker screams "I WOULD HAVE BEEN CHEAPER!"



• Trevor declares Demelza Von Bitchenburg "a little bigger in the hips than the other girls" which, although patently ridiculous, makes me feel all warm inside.



• Alex, Alyce and Ms Bitchface De Scragola get to stay back to reshoot a few looks for Pezza, which end up not being better than the original shots and so are a complete waste of time for all concerned, not least me.

Back at model mansion and DING! DING! It's time for round three of the All-In Alamela Beat Up. Demelza lands the first punch by announcing she wore Alamela's outfit for the photo reshoot, nyer nyer, but Alamela counters strongly by mumbling Demelza could lose a few pounds. Given there's no possibility of nailing Alamela on this particular point, Demelza resorts to tag team tactics and drags in Rebecca who screams something along the lines of "THAT'S BETTER THAN BEING TOO THIN!", an argument that will never work anywhere in the fashion universe, as nothing is EVER better than being too thin. Jaime brings a metal chair down on Demelza's head while Rebecca grabs Leiden in a headlock and the rest of the modelettes shout "JERRY! JERRY!" Alamela wins by default, but not before having a complete system crash and breaking down in tears. That poor little robot. I'm really beginning to like her, bless her motherboard.

And as we navigate the rattling pieces of the ANTM mobile onto the home stretch, it's time, once again, for elimination. But over in the elimination warehouse, Jodhello and Dawson have other ideas - SCRAG PUNISHING IDEAS.

"Shut, lit's face ut, most of you are really bloody thuck," snarls Dawson in that gorgeous Kiwi accent of hers.

"And none of you are getting fush OR chups tonight, so take that," she continues.

She then tells them to pick up a book occasionally (and like, read it, not hurl it at each other) or they'll all be working in take away joints after they get kicked off the show. Can you spell EBONI? No, she couldn't either, that's why she's working in that pizza bar now.

Dawson christens the Scrag Alliance "The Dapto Dogs" (which I think you probably have to live in NSW to understand), Pezza says every person who's ever been on ANTM and isn't Alice Burdeu is now pushing muffins at Muffin Break (take a look at your future, gals) and Priscilla tells them all to "shape up" - none of which seems to have any effect on the girls whatsoever. Maybe they're all still trying to work out what "Dapto Dogs" are, like I am.

Anyway, onto the Picture bitch:

• Belinda looks like a corpse in a dress. A boy's corpse in a dress. Not sure if that was the effect Pezza was going for, but he got it.



• Dawson looks at Jamie's photo and declares "You WILL get laid in that dress, honey!"

But possibly not if you pull this face again.

• Alex's pic makes her look like a wrestler. Demelza quickly drafts her for her All Scrag fighting league.



• "I think it would be quite difficult o make a lot of money off you," the photographer says to Alex, while faintly in the background we hear Mink the hooker shouting "NOT IN THAILAND....!"



• Pezza tells Caris to get back on the treadmill. She cries and her mascara runs. FOR ABOUT THE 500TH TIME THIS SEASON. CHRIST, can SOMEONE buy the girl some waterproof?



• Demelza Q. Slapperton looks completely gorgeous in her photo, so sadly no one gets to play the "You're a horrible person and it's coming out in your photos" game. Oh well.



• Pezza calls Rebecca "a moose" and admits he wants to shoot her with an air rifle. Millions of viewers around the country nod their heads in understanding.

After going overboard praising all of the photos except for one, the judges call back Rebecca the moose and Belinda the bogan (who, by the way, STILL hasn't gotten those FUCKING contacts - MUM??? Hello??! HEARD OF EXPRESS POST?!) for a completely unsurprising eviction. Belinda is sent back to the country having learned the incredibly useful skill of walking in heels (that'll come in handy on the farm), and the moose lives to see another day - although I personally can't wait for the episode where she's stuffed and mounted for Pezza's study.

Want more? Head over to Jo Blogs.

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Three

Episode three opens with all the modelettes sitting around in the living room of the model mansion doing sweet F.A. Seriously, nothing. They're not even watching television, they're just sitting there. Thank goodness Pease Porridge, Dawson and Jodhello are constantly reminding us of how hard it is to be a model, or else we might have been persuaded to believe the old myth that modelling is just about looking pretty for 20 minutes a day and doing whatever the fuck else you want for the other 23 hours and 40 minutes.

It's no wonder, then, that when someone suggests that the arrival of a boat in their own private harbour could be a Jodhi Mail they all start tearing their hair out with excitement and screaming "OH MOY GOURD!", as if someone had just told me that Jack White was lying naked in my bed complaining about my absence.

They notice "a man on the deck with a pink envelope" and run screaming to the dock, but then discover it's actually Ian Thorpe.

"I started freaking out, I couldn't believe Ian Thorpe was on a boat outside our house..." spurts Demelza.

"...with a pair of binoculars and a trenchcoat on, that was really weird," she finishes.

Thorpey is apparently now known as a "Fashion Designer/Olympian". That's right, he's a fashion designer first, gold medal winner second, which perhaps explains why his sunglasses seem surgically attached to his face this episode. He's clearly been taking lessons from Alex Perry.

"To become Australia's Next Top Model you will need a mind..." reads Alamela from the Jodhi Mail, as Demelza, Belinda, Rebecca and anyone else who didn't know who Winston Churchill was solemnly head back to the mansion to start packing their things.

"...and a body of iron will," she finishes, which causes her grammar software to crash and her display unit to start flashing "INCORRECT SENTENCE STRUCTURE, PRESS CTRL ALT DEL TO RESTART".

The Thorpinator inserts Alamela's system boot disk and puts her into hibernate mode, then tells all the girls he'll be kicking their arses in an exercise challenge, for which they'll need to bring their bathers to the beach. For some reason this last piece of information causes everyone to gasp in horror (yet ask them to parade in their underwear past a horde of cheering sailors and it's like, no problem).

"Can we sunbake?" shrieks Rebecca. There's no joke attached to that at all, I just really don't like Rebecca and feel this makes her look suitably stupid.

Which one should we kill first?

"Modelling is one of the TOUGHEST businesses around," says Jodhello who is down at the beach waiting for the models to rock up, you know, as soon as they're finished sitting around on their arses doing nothing for the day.

She then whinges about how the girls have "completely the wrong idea" about what modelling is, and think it's all about fun and glamour and parties and pretty clothes. I wonder what television show could possibly have given them that idea, Jodes. Tell you what, instead of dragging them down to the beach for a bit of sweating in the sand, why not just make them read this. That'll pull 'em into line, quick smart.

The only thing that could possibly be scarier than that article is a solidly built platinum blonde extra from Prisoner with neck veins like Hulk Hogan and a tan so deep even her kidneys have melanomas.

Oh, goody.

She used to give me roses...

"Her" name is Emma, and she's there to kick shit out of the models under the guise of it being an excercise session.

"I was so scared of her," whimpers Leiden, who has just had a glimpse at her future in 15 years time.

On the inside the roses grow...

The Emmazon forces the girls to do various pissweak exercises like swatting at punching bags and strolling up and down a 10 metre stretch of sand. The highlight of the day, however, is the swimming leg of the workout, which also appears to be fancy dress themed as Alamela has come as a chopstick in a bra...

...while Caris has come as a crazy person, saying: "I don't actually like water on my face, being splashed onto my face, unless I'm doing it myself."

I guess that explains this:

As it turns out she has nothing to worry about, as the 40 metre "swim" the Emmazon forces them to do is through ankle deep water one would struggle to drown a hamster in, and everyone's face is at least a metre and a half above the surface at all times (fortunately for Alamela, whose central processing unit needs to be kept dry at all times). Leiden chunders, a few go under, and everyone else flops about in their inappropriate string bikinis like they're stuffed with tennis balls inside wet stockings.

They finish off by pretending to be planks. You'd think Emma would have a head start in this with her sparkling personality, but actually it's Alamela who triumphs, proving once and for all that she has an iron will and abs of steel. And an aluminium chassis and titanium wheels. BEEP BEEP. Everyone coos over Alamela's ability to resemble a piece of wood while seemingly forgetting that it's actually not that hard to hold oneself up when one weighs approximately the same amount as a small piece of styrofoam.

Caris has a cry about her body (muffins are for looking at in the shop window and obssessing about, NOT wearing) and her skin (pizza is supposed to be on your boyfriend's plate while you eat a salad, NOT on your face) and Jodhello reluctantly tries to be all big sistery by barking "WHY ARE YOU CRYING, HONEY?" and "DO YOU FEEL A BIT INVALIDATED, DARLING?" Christ, I'd rather have the Emmazon yelling at me, thanks.

Caris remarks that at least her eyes are a bit brighter from all the crying she's been doing, which earns her this week's Bland Canyon Smartarse Award for Best Veiled Shakespearean Reference:

HELENA: O, I am out of breath in this fond chase!
The more my prayer, the lesser is my grace.
Happy is Hermia, wheresoe'er she lies;
For she hath blessed and attractive eyes.
How came her eyes so bright? Not with salt tears:
If so, my eyes are oftener wash'd than hers.
No, no, I am as ugly as a bear;
For beasts that meet me run away for fear.

If only Caris could deliver all of her speeches of self loathing as Shakespearean soliloquies, I'd find her less unbearable.

In keeping with the Shakespearean theme, the next segment of the show is a true tragedy that goes something like this:

ACT ONE: Demelza buys a pair of $275 shoes that would be the envy of any drag queen.

"They were expensive and I was willing to pay that much money for them," she miaows later. Of course, what she actually meant to say was "They were expensive, and I was willing to spend that much of my parents' money for them, as I am 16 and don't have my own money, which means I have no concern at all for the cost of things or life in general and have no concept at all that I am not Paris Hilton and $275 is a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a pair of shoes when you're 16 and have absolutely nowhere to wear them."

ACT TWO: Somehow Demelza is "pressured" to pay towards the cost of her friend owning exactly the same shoes as her, and chips in $175 for Alyce to get a pair too, even though she doesn't want to, but like, she has to. Both girls act as if this is a completely normal thing to do.

ACT THREE: Back at the house, Alyce becomes possessed by the demonic spirit of a four year old child and yells "THESE ARE MOY SHOES IN BLACK, BUT DEMELZA GOT THEM IN MAROON AND I WUV MY SHOES COS THEY'RE SO PRITTY AND YAYYYY!! NAP TIME NAP TIME!!!" before launching into a round of Bob the Builder and promptly falling asleep with her thumb in her mouth. This causes Demelza to storm upstairs in a rage, leaving everyone else quoting from The Book of Rules of Showing Off New Clothes and nodding sagely.

ACT FOUR: Petstarr screams "SINCE WHEN DID TEENAGE GIRLS START BEHAVING LIKE FOUR YEAR OLDS?" and throws her sippy cup full of Ribena at the television in a rage. Aaaaand SCENE.

Time for another challenge (oh, you mean that whole shoe thing WASN'T one? Dammit) which this week involves the girls posing with "their greatest fear" in order to promote Rexona deodorant. See how those two ideas work together there? See it? No, I don't either, but I'm seriously hoping one of the girls has a phobia of deodorant. WOULDN'T THAT BE HILARIOUS?

Sadly that doesn't eventuate, although the girls go all out to prove beyond all reasonable doubt that they are truly a bunch of weirdos by coming up with the most bizarre phobias ever. Edward Scissorhands, anyone? That's Leiden.

I know I know, I thought it would be that too.

While Leiden hyperventilates over the possibility of accidentally running into Johnny Depp (although, I can sort of understand that), Rebecca freaks out over having to hold a parrot and Alamela's circuits spark out of control at the prospect of having to pose with a clown, despite the fact that the make up they've slapped on her makes her look rather like one herself.

HAPPY FACE, HAPPY FACE.

"Alex, how do you feel about stick insects?" asks Pease.

For a second, Alexandra is horrified at the notion that she may have to pose with Alamela, but then realises Pease is talking about ACTUAL insects and calms down.

Caris poses with a snake in a totally 80s, cliched sexy shoot that would go straight to the cover of RALPH were it not for her muffin top, bad skin and braces, someone else holds a crocodile and Belinda and Emma give two incredibly crap speeches to prove that their fear of public speaking is entirely justified. Although it must be said poor Belinda isn't exactly helped by her unfortunate choice of costume, which makes her look rather like what the Sydney Opera House did halfway through its construction.

You laugh now, but one day people will travel from all over the world to see this dress.

Leiden's terrifying Edward Scissorhands shoot proves too much for Fox 8's budget to accommodate, and they resort to hanging a few pairs of scissors from the roof for her to stand amongst. Seriously. I can't believe they aired that.

No clue is given as to what any of this is actually for, as no photos are taken, and no one but Pease and the makeup artists seems to be in the room. Even the Rexona woman has buggered off in embarrassment.

Rebecca and Caris win for some reason, and get to go to the David Jones fashion parade with Dawson and her other two girls, the location of which she's helpfully emphasised with some cunningly placed patterning.

It's subtle, do you see it?

And by the way: BOO TO YOU, David Jones, for not only decreeing that a) Sydney is the only worthwhile place to hold a fashion parade these days, but b) the fabulous Megan Gale should be replaced by that annoying little winker Miranda Kerr. I've switched to Myer, thank you very much.

Both girls are extremely excited when Dawson invites them to walk the David Jones catwalk - OH MOY GOURD!!!11!! This prospect becomes rather less exciting when it is revealed that this will be done AFTER all the invited guests have gone home and JUST BEFORE the crew dismantles the stage so the cleaners can get in.

Moving right along, and it's photo shoot time (FINALLY - is this like, the longest episode EVER or what? I'm starting to develop a phobia of model "challenges"). This week it's a shoot for some shoe designer in which the models will have to hang from a harness off the side of a building.

Caris reveals her third phobia for the episode (what, is she trying to win a medal or something?) by announcing she's scared of heights and "freaking out". Yawn.

High altitude shoe shoot in a nutshell:

• Demelza is offended when Alyce declines to give her any tips on how to hang upside down off the side of a building (because it IS that hard to work out for yourself)


• Leiden dresses up as some kind of sassy mariachi singer-zebra-spiderman hybrid and somehow manages to look brilliant AND sell shoes


• Emma once again manages to bore everyone stupid despite showing her undies to everyone and having half a parrot glued to her eyelashes
  
• Belinda looks like a 13 year old at a school holiday circus skills workshop


• Demelza tries her hardest to pose but only draws praise when her foot slips and she slaps into the wall. Yay!


• Caris decides the best way to overcome a fear of heights is to hang off the side of a building staring face down at the ground. Strangely enough, this doesn't work.


• Alamela reinforces her nerd appeal by resembling something out of a cult Japanese anime film


• Alexandra bounces about in a way she thinks makes her look professional but actually makes her look like a grasshopper on drugs and


• Pease does a passable impression of Max Headroom/a Lego Man in the worst pair of sunglasses this side of the back of P Diddy's spare room wardrobe.

Why do I think these would suit Alamela more?

Elimination time, and it seems the fancy dress fun of the exercise session has carried over to the warehouse - Alex has come as a librarian who enjoys stamp collecting and playing hockey on the weekends:

Jolly hockeysticks!

Belinda has come as me at my year seven social:

Hairbands are ace.

Pezza is reprising his role as a sunglasses case:

He tried Pease's on but the weight was too much.

And guest judge Peter Morrissey has come as Alex Perry before he had sunglasses surgically attached to his scalp.

"Do I look expensive enough?"

All the girls are forced to pose on a pole, which is about as exciting as defragmenting one's hard drive (if you're Alamela you possibly DO find that exciting, so just take it as read). The only interesting part of this segment is when Belinda grabs the pole, throws her head back and sticks her tongue out the side of her mouth. Apparently this is what she calls her "thinking face", which probably explains why we haven't seen it all that often this series.

Dawson is the QUEEN of impressions.

On to the picture bitch:

• Caris manages to hid her braces, spots and rolls long enough to look lithe, lean and fabulous in her photo


• Alamela looks like the seixest darn shoe selling robot you ever did see, until she ruins it all by blurting "IT'S. VERY. GOOD. PAPER JAM IN SECTION E7."


• Emma's photo is surprisingly nice but whoops, I seem to have forgotten her already again


• Alexandra gains a few leg inches, loses a neck


• Pezza tells Samantha she needs to connect better with the camera. Alamela offers her her spare USB cable.


• Morrissey says Samantha doesn't look hungry enough. Thousands of viewers beg to differ.


• Pezza says Alyce looks constipated and needs Metamucil. So, I guess she got a little TOO hungry, then?


• Jodhello and all the judges proclaim Leiden's photo to be THE BEST PHOTO IN THE HISTORY OF PHOTOGRAPHY and then commit the BIGGEST ACT OF CONTRADICTION IN THE HISTORY OF BULLSHIT by putting her in the bottom two. Against Emma. Who? Yeah, I think you know where this is going...


• Bye bye Emma.


• Who?

Join me next week, bitchketeers, for more of the same (and hopefully on time, this time).

If you haven't done it already, head over to Jo Blogs for more ANTM hilarity.

ANTM advance warning

Hello loyal BCites - just a quick warning that this week's Top Model wrap up will be a bit later than usual, as tomorrow night I will be out and about experiencing some kul-tcha instead of staying in to watch the Foxtel. I'm thinking perhaps Thursday. But it might end up being Friday. Sorry.

In the meantime you know you can mosey on over to Jo's blog for almost as funny episode recaps (he he, take that, Jo) that may or may not be up before mine. She can be a bit slack sometimes so you never know.

To conclude with a totally unrelated story: I had a dream last night that Jack White asked me to sing with The Raconteurs. To understand the significance of this moment, see this post, or this one, or any of these.

So would.

Of course I gleefully said yes, and then basked in the sunny glory of what was sure to be a hot future career alternately singing Store Bought Bones on stage and pashing the celebrity object of my lusty attentions backstage.

But all that was dashed at our very first gig, when co Raconteur Brendan Benson asked how I'd gone learning all the songs, and I realised I knew all of three lyrics.

I had to lie and say I'd learned them fine, thank you, but I had some bad prawns at lunch that were making me feel rather ill and whoops, I don't think I can make it to the gig tonight after all, sorry.

Honestly. I BLAMED SEAFOOD.

Sometimes dreams really suck.

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode Two

If you’re anything like me you’ve probably thought once or twice about the concept of having babies, and in amongst the “DEAR GOD, NO!” and “WORST NIGHTMARE!” reactions, you’ve probably also thought something along the lines of “But what if my child turned out to be a twat?”

Just like Alexandra’s parents, you send her off on a modelling contest and hope Charlotte Dawson accidentally eats her. Or that a friendly bogan at the local pub eats her, which very nearly happens this episode - but more on that later.

We rejoin the models at last week’s eviction of... er, who was it again? Oh yeah, Kamila. Or “Car-milla” as Alla-mella pronounces it. Point of interest – Alamela’s new BC nickname is Porcelain Nutcase, as coined by the enthusiastic ANTM chatters over on Television Without Pity. I likes it, so I’s stealin’ it.

Leiden declares Kamila’s ousting has reminded her that she’s in a competition (perhaps they should put up a few signs around the model mansion to help these girls remember what they’re there for) (and what their names are, and which way is left and right, and what it means when the little hand is on the 12 and the big hand is on...)

Back at model mansion, some random blonde has brought the girls a present, which causes them all to squeal and flap their arms about like seagulls who have just discovered an untended pile of chips on the beach. Shouldn’t somebody warn them about blondes bearing gifts?

The girls open up their box in the backyard and moths fly out. Gosh, after only one week? Oh no wait, it’s a bunch of butterflies. Or birds, if you’re Rebecca.

“Bec didn’t really like the butterflies because she doesn’t like birds and she thought they were like miniature birds, cos they flap their wings,” says Kristy. Sometimes I don't even have to make this shit up.

Alyce reads out the latest Jodhi Mail, which is all about transformation and change and metamorphosis. “I’VE READ KAAAAFKAAAA!” shrieks Alexandra, and starts doing her best cockroach impression in order to get a headstart on the next challenge. Surprisingly, nothing about her changes much.

The models get out some calculators and textas and butchers paper, and slowly put all of these incredibly cryptic clues together, and eventually after an hour or two come to the conclusion that THEY’RE GOING TO GET MAKEOVERS, OMG!!1111! THAT WAS TOYTALLY UNEXPECTED AND STUFF!

They’re met at the salon by Jodhello, who appears to be wearing a Tuff Stuff garbage bag dressed up with some natty buttons, and Pease Porridge, who is obviously about to audition for the role of Vince Vaughan’s sidekick in the sequel to Swingers, Swingers 2: Too Swingin’.

Jodhello tells them models with bad hair is her pet peeve. (Alexandra says hers is spilling her chai latte on her Kafka, Alamela says hers is having her personality software crash on boot up, while Leiden’s is having her burping sessions interrupted by a fart). Jodhello tells the girls they’ll have to get to understand the difference between a great haircut and “model hair”, so clearly the two are mutually exclusive.

Makeover in a nutshell: On the way from bogan brunette to token platinum blonde, Leiden passes through a funny little town called EGG YOLK VILLE;

Demelza gets a hairdo that allows her to put her hair up or down, and Pease crows about how VERSATILE it is, while Demelza shows how versatile SHE is by bitching about everybody else in equal measure; Rebecca is told to “think Naomi Campbell” and miraculously DOESN’T throw a mobile phone at Alexandra; Jaime gets blonde hair extensions and inches ever closer to modelling dressing gowns in the Harris Scarfe catalogue; Pease forgets which country he lives in and yells “FED EX IT, MATE!” when Belinda says her contact lenses are still on their way from home, and some questions are raised about Caris’ upbringing when she begins to cry over her hair colour, which apparently reminds her of her childhood. Alamela ends up with a severe bob that makes her look like the evil spawn of Chucky and Strawberry Shortcake; everyone waits for Alexandra to have a tanty and she promptly obliges, wanking on about how she’s “already done” her look before and it’s “a step back, where I used to be, as opposed to a step forward with a new look”. She proves this later on at the model mansion by showing us photos from LIKE, A WHOLE YEAR AGO, when she had a somewhat similar cut, and then calls her boyfriend to cry about it. Alexandra’s boyfriend displays distinctly questionable sexuality by actually remembering what her hair looked like a year ago.

“I am sure my new hair will help me as a model, as I have been given this hair for that purpose,” blurts Alamela.

“I will now make a cup of tea, as I have been given a teabag and mug for that purpose,” Alamela the Teabot continues, rolling off screen with her lights blinking while Pease settles back, waiting, with an Anzac biscuit.

Pease tells them all they’ll soon be strutting their stuff on a “very special catwalk”. I hope against hope that it will be a catwalk made of REAL CATS, which they’ll have to negotiate to avoid being scratched or sprayed, but as it turns out it’s just a normal catwalk surrounded by a bunch of horny sailors. Yawn, could have seen that one coming.

Just to deviate from ANTM for a second here, but as we’re constantly bombarded with that bloody tampon commercial with the beaver in it about 57 million times in every ad break, I feel I need to say something. Who exactly was it that decided that the best way to sell tampons to women would be to equate their nether regions with a furry woodland animal? And not only that, but to suggest that women are so in touch with themselves that they like to hang out with their aforementioned furry nether regions on the weekends and give them presents? I GET THE JOKE, beaver, got it, hilarious, but for goodness sake, IT’S A TAMPON, not a SPECIAL TREAT. Apart from which everyone knows the only people who agonise over what tampons to buy and what wrapping they come in are 13 year old girls who’ve just started their period and think they need to accessorise it. For the rest of us, it’s as important as deciding what brand of bandaids to buy to keep in the kitchen drawer. Right, moving on.

Back on the docks, and the girls are met by Dawson, who looks as though her jacket vomited pink silk down the rest of her body, and Pease, who looks completely unremarkable (better than covered in silk vomit I suppose) and are swiftly turned via makeup, hair and fishnet stockings into dockside hookers for the brief pleasure of 100 or so sailors from the HMAS Melbourne.

Not content with just looking like a slapper, Alex has to act the part too, bailing up Pease for round two of “I’ve had this hairdo before”.

“I’VE DONE THIS LOOK, I NEED TO MOVE ON!” she shrieks in his face, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she’s clearly been rocking the “petulant little bitch” look for quite some time without any problems.

What about two black eyes and a makeup sponge stuffed in your mouth, have you done THAT look yet? Ghd styling iron up the date? Army boot in face, how about THAT look? All can be arranged, I’m sure.

Pease hands out some new knickers to everyone and reminds them to put them on UNDER their clothing. Seriously, he does. As it turns out this advice is useless, as all of the models spend most of their 30 seconds on the catwalk showing their arses to the sailors.

Jordan (aka Squinty McSquinterson) and Sophie (aka That Girl Wot Didn’t Win) from ANTM3 take time out from their busy schedule of DOING BUGGER ALL to attend the parade. Notable in her absence is Alice, who’s probably off, like, earning money or something unimportant. Present front and centre, however, are Jodhi’s two girls – hello ladies! Wonder if she’s taking them out to lunch later and buying them a present of a new bra.

All in all the parade is a fairly embarrassing spectacle – a bunch of 30 something sailors hooting and hollering at a bunch of nearly naked teenagers in fishnets, winking from both sets of eyes. The camera flicks over the crowd and we notice the one awkward looking female sailor. If I was easily outraged I’d say something about the sheer inappropriateness of getting 16 year old girls to flash their knickers at men old enough to be their fathers. Oh wait, didn’t I just go off my head about a tampon ad? Hmm, never mind.

We are then told the “sailors’ choice” was Demelza, despite the fact that she thundered around the catwalk like she had a jet engine strapped to her new knickers. Sadly for her, this means nothing in the world of fashion. Pease says it’s no real surprise and declares her performance “smutty”. Yeah Demelza, next time you’re parading for cheering men in your jocks, try and make it classy, will ya? Somehow Alexandra is named the winner of the catwalk challenge, despite her having A TOTALLY ONE YEAR OLD HAIRDO, MANG!!11!1

As a prize, Alex and Demelza go on an $11,000 shopping spree. I’ll just repeat that: an $11,000 shopping spree! And it’s a good thing too because Alex appears to have nothing to wear but her grandmother’s washing day frock from 1953. And despite already rocking her current hairdo A WHOLE YEAR AGO she seems to have no idea how to style it, so the total effect is something like a mental patient who’s escaped from the institution’s laundry block.

I prefer the model on the left.

“The others are going to be so jealous,” says Demelza, while Alyce and Rebecca back at home start tipping her entire wardrobe into the garbage chute. Don’t think they will be actually, Demelza.

Back at home, and Demelza and Alex present the girls with a bag of clothes they’ve thoughtfully set aside for them on their $11,000 shopping spree – ie: the shit they bought by accident and don’t actually like. It contains three tops and one skirt. To be shared between 10 girls. Alyce and Rebecca quietly head to the garbage chute to explore further clothing options.

Next day the girls head off to a photo shoot for Napoleon Perdis. Apparently this year’s winner of ANTM will get to be the new face of Napoleon (well they can’t use HIS, can they?)

Despite scoring $11,000 worth of clothes, Alex has turned up in a pair of cut off denim hotpants and a hypercolour t shirt she borrowed from her younger brother.

Belinda is rather taken aback by Napoleon, saying she expected be “some kind of tiny, weedy little man”. HAS SHE NEVER SEEN THIS SHOW, EVER? Maybe she’s just got more of a grip on history than we thought and honestly thought she was meeting the REAL Napoleon.

But I thought he was some fat Greek guy?

“To be honest, you are starting to bore me,” says Pease to Samantha, in what is now officially THIS EPISODE’S TOP QUOTE! Hurrah for Pease!

“Boring? He doesn’t see me enough to know how boring I really am,” says Samantha, putting the smackdown on Pease and stealing the Top Quote Crown.

Napoleon shoot in a nutshell: the water pouring down on Alex’s head flattens her hair and makes her enormous huge SUPER hobbit ears look even bigger; Kirsty is declared “not the face of my brand” so basically doesn’t have a hope in hell of winning this competition ever; Pease looks like a cricketer in his baggy green; Pease tries to make Leiden’s female side bigger, which ends with Leiden yelling “I can’t do sexy for shit, and if I do it’s like I’m going to fuck you but like, kill you after” which sort of proves his point that she doesn’t have one; with all the wetness and the shivering Alamela the Porcelain Nutcase looks like an extra from Titanic. Pease declares her a “stunned mullet” which surprisingly doesn’t seem to fit with the water theme. Napoleon shrieks “I’m getting bored and we’ve only got three minutes to go!”, which should be the quote all of you aspire to use at least once tomorrow; Napoleon implores Demelza to melt, which she confuses for “blink” and ends up looking stoned in 90 per cent of her photos. This possibly explains why she feels so at home locked in the toilets afterwards. When she comes out it appears the Napoleon water shower is still pouring down on her – oh no wait, she’s just crying like a sissy. Wait until she finds out her clothes are in the bin.

Back at the model mansion, it’s Leiden’s birthday, for which she has received “two of the most ugliest dresses” as a present from her family. Alex dives straight in going “MIIIINE!!!”

All the models head to the nearest bar to celebrate and start downing vodka shots and pashing on: Leiden with Samantha in this season’s totally obvious “we’re not gay, we’re just hot and young and crazy” campaign, and Alex with some random bogan in a polo shirt. We suspect that this is also a look she has already DONE BEFORE.

Meanwhile the under agers left at home are studiously baking cakes, blowing up balloons and putting together party bags with a “pirate theme” for everyone to enjoy when they get home. If only the others had known I’m sure they would have come running back to join in the G rated fun. The three tiered cream sponge goes down particularly well when the pack of drunk bogans rolls home and starts throwing it at the walls.

“They threw cake at the Jodhi mail,” mews Demelza, who still obviously hasn’t discovered that HER ENTIRE WARDROBE IS IN THE BIN and there are probably other things worth crying about.

Elimination time, and our fembot army is led down the elimination path by Captain Jodhello, who’s sporting a rather fetching militaristic flak jacket (I would too, with Alex around – not to mention that model who can shoot bullets out of her nipples). Is Alex wearing Leiden’s birthday dress? Snaps to me!

Photo judging in a nutshell: Kristy has a feral mouth, Alex looks like she’s going to punch someone, Samantha looks like she’s got two black eyes (possibly from Alex), and Napoleon criticises Demelza’s eyes for not being able to draw, which seems a bit harsh.

“Why are you wearing glasses??” demands Napoleon of Belinda. Um, because SHE CAN’T FUCKING SEE WITHOUT THEM, IDIOT.

Leiden sees her photo and breaks down crying, which is sort of how we all feel, really. Emma looks completely wonked and Caris’ face looks like it’s become infected with something – it’s about this time we start to question the efficacy of Napoleon’s make up.

“I don’t know that beauty’s going to be your thing,” Jodhello says to Alamela, confidently taking the Top Quote tiara from Samantha for this episode.

“I hate the way she’s so fake,” says Napoleon of Alyce, without a hint of irony.

SO not fake.

“There’s emotion there, I can see a smart girl there,” he continues, looking at Alex’s picture, which basically ensures she’ll get “caught” reading Kafka at least one more time this season.

Dawson calls for Demelza to go (thank goodness for some sense – the girl has pug dog eyes), Perry says Leiden looks like Frankenstein and hasn’t done anything amazing (so maybe next week she should do a magic trick) (or she could just try wearing Alyce’s high waisted jeans, which in the off season are used by Sydney city council as a tarp when repainting the Harbor Bridge), Dawson brands Alyce a “snarly mouthed monster” and Napoleon brands her fake again, Belinda is told to get contact lenses and whimpers that she tried but her mum got her the wrong prescription, at which Pease shouts from off set “FED EX THEM, BABY! YEE HAW!”

In the end it comes down to Kristy and Belinda, so if Belinda gets kicked out we can clearly blame her mother for getting the wrong prescription done. Then Jodhello rds from the clipboard of death – and it’s unanimous. It’s Kristy.

“I’m sorry darling,” says Jodhi.

“SO FAKE!” yells Napoleon.

Now that you're finished reading me, go over and read my mate Jo's hilarious ANTM wrap up: at jo-joblogs.blogspot.com. You know, when she ever gets around to posting it.

Australia's Next Top Model Wrap Up: Episode One

OHM OY GOURD CAN YOY EVEN BELOYVE IT?

ANTM is like, totally on again! And after winning fans, admiration and even the blessing of the anointed one, ANTM3 winner Alice Burdeu (I'm not kidding - see that big old quote over on the right there? That ain't made up you know), I've decided to get back on the model rollercoaster and blog ANTM4 for your reading pleasure.

So, shall we kick it? Yes we shall.

First, the model run down. There are the requisite weird names (Caris, Leiden, Demelza, Alamela), protruding hip bones, and bitchy looks. That's all you need to know for now.

The first models rock up and are made to sit in an empty room that looks like it could be an exhibit at the Tate called Study in Minimalism II. The same could be said of Alexandra's brain. She's 20, and a "university student" (I think you'll find they all are, actually, although it's unclear if any of them actually go) who explains that "My confidence comes from just the fact that I know I look good." Simple, really.

I am totally not posing.

Then there's 19 year old Caris, who is a university student (no, really) and looks a bit like Angelina Jolie. With braces. Yes, braces. I might remind you that the winner of this competition gets to shoot a cover of VOGUE.

VOGUE? Shit, really?

"I don’t take myself too seriously," she laughs. Neither will anyone else love, with those teeth.

There's 18 year old Leiden, who's unemployed (hey, at least she's not a university student), and who rocks up in hippie gear like she's just gotten off the overnight economy flight from Bali.

“I’m shitting bricks. These chicks are glam and I’ll have no chance,” she barks before blurting out the longest belch you’ve ever heard. She'll obviously be our classy contender.

ANTM ROCKS!

"I don’t reveal all of myself immediately, so no one can get me," bleats Alamela, who is 17 going on 85. We can file her directly under W for WEIRDO, as you'll see later.

"I’m clean, I'm sophisticated, I’m more than a pretty face," spouts Kamila, the law student. So, doing better than Leiden on all counts, then.

"I don’t have a filter between my brain and my mouth - it’s like word vomit," shrieks 17 year old "country girl" Belinda, proving her point without even trying.

Next comes Miss Personality, 17 year old Emma.

"It’s going to take me a while to get used to ... meeting all new people, and that," she buzzes. CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT IN THE AIR?

Then there's 20 year old business student Samantha, who announces she has a "killer in-stink", 21 year old receptionist Jamie who describes her personality as “bubbly, friendly, outgoing, and down to earth” (well don’t we just love HER already) and 19 year old bargirl Kristy who struts in with matching luggage and a silk scarf around her hair before crapping on about all the modelling work she’s done before. The other girls seem just as thrilled as we are to have her on the show.

Rebecca is a 16 year old "fast food worker", which means we'll probably get to hear the good old “I eat cheeseburgers every day but I JUST CAN’T GET FAT” song every episode. Anyway apparently she’s friends with Alyce, much to the other girl’s chagrin. A ready made alliance? For shame. Rebecca also happens to be wearing shorts that she fashioned out of a vinyl cushion from the sofa bed in the spare room at home.

I made these myself.

On to the judges, who are all same same but different this year: Charlotte Dawson, Jod-hello Meares, and Alex "Bond villain" Perry.

Dawson is now described as a "fashion presenter", which is a step up from last year's label "identity". Seems she’s moved up in the world, although her hair has taken a huge step back - she looks like David Bowie in a wig. So, she looks like David Bowie, then.

A big night? What are you talking about?

She, Jodhello and Perry meet the girls two at a time in a set that looks rather like an after photo on Changing Rooms . First up is Jaime and Leiden.

"Can the girl on the left please come forward," barks Jodhi.

This is obviously the first test. Jaime is struck with confusion - which left? My left or your left - but fortunately Leiden holds her hands out in front, identifies the one that looks like an L and steps forward.

Wearing long cargo shorts, a headband, baggy shirt and a goofy grin that may or may not be assisted by beer, Leiden looks like a backpacker straight off the plane from Bali. No word on whether she's brought a boogie board to the model mansion or not.

"Where do you see yourself modelling in Australia?" Priscilla asks Jaime.

"My ultimate dream OF COURSE would be to be a Victoria’s Secret model," gushes Jaime, showing a distinct lack of understanding of geography.

After this intense grilling, the two are shoved out the door to Jonathan Pease Porridge who has obviously swapped hair with Dawson this season.

He stuffs each of them into a an AD!AD!AD! Tigerlily bikini AD!AD!AD!. Wow, they’re quick. Don’t we normally have to wait until episode three to see their knockers?

"Turn up to my set without one of these – ticket to ride, you DON’T ride," Pease says, throwing a flesh coloured g string at Jaime. This could well be the quote of the season.

It’s fair to say Jaime has a rockin body. AND A BUBBLY DOWN TO EARTH PERSONALITY, SNAP!

"I like you so much better with your clothes off!" exclaims Dawson, something Jaime has no doubt heard countless times before.

Leiden swaggers down the runway like Robocop’s crack addicted fembot girlfriend, and glares at the judges with her lip curled like Elvis Presley. Not so hot, it’s safe to say.

Then it's off to a photo shoot. What the hell? Is this some special Fringe Festival presentation of ANTM in a Minute or something?

"I’ve never done a photo shoot in my life. Well, not a proper one anyway," says Leiden.

Back home Leiden’s brother’s mate’s cousin stops uploading model photos to Flickr to yell "Heyyyy!" at the TV.

Next in the judging room is Alamela and Kamila. They sell seashells on the seashore.

"Alamela has a really interesting beingness," says Jodhi. I wonder whether we shouldn't just ignore her for the rest of the series.

With her permanently wide, glassy eyes and combed hair, Alamela looks a bit like one of the kids in the "love is" series. She also seems like the kind of person who would describe themselves as being “in touch with the spirit world”. Is she an alien? Or a robot?

“What do you think you could bring to this competition?” Perry asks.

“ENERGY,” she replies, before blinking and continuing “...SUPPLIES LOW. SHUT DOWN IMMINENT” and shuffling off the catwalk.

On to Kamila, who does a nifty little parade for the judges.

“It kind of has a cute pout when it walks, but I don’t know what else it can do really,” says Alamela of Kamila.

“It puts the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again,” she continues.

"Alamela's a bit creepy," says Dawson. YOU THINK?

“Great little body. That’s got Victoria’s Secrets written all over it,” meows Jodhi.

Moving on to Rebecca and Alyce, who float in on a powder puff of rainbows, sugar sprinkles and girlish giggles – TOTALLY BFF LOL! Alyce practically falls down the runway in a fit of excitement, flapping her arms and twittering until Dawson tells her to can it. Onya Dawson.

“I need this. I can’t do anything other than this,” she splurts.

“I’d do anything for modelling.”

“I’m going to hold you to that,” cackles Dawson, and we can already see Alyce’s future laid out for her – peeling grapes and pumicing corns while Dawson lies poolside cracking her whip and ordering a steady stream of margaritas.

“Victoria’s Secrets!” says Jodhi as Alyse is parading in her bikini, like a toddler who has just learned its first word.

“VICTORIA’S SECRETS, VICTORIA’S SECRETS!”

“No Jodhi, that’s a spoon. And it’s SECRET anyway you dumbass.”

Caris and Demelza are next on the block.

“I was a bit embarrassed, because I don't have the best body, because I eat takeaway and don’t exercise,” mews Caris. Yawn. WHAT ABOUT YOUR BRACES, TRAIN TRACKS? Priorities, jeez.

“Demelza is beeeyooootiful, she looks like a modern day Veronica Lang,” coos Perry.

“VERONICA’S SECRETS?” shrieks Jodhi.

“Have you heard of the artist Botticelli? Beautiful, soft feminine women. You’re more jelly botty,” barks Dawson in a completely unrehearsed, unprepared and, coincidentally, unfunny line.

Perry tells them they both need to be a size 8. What the hell are they now? I take a look at my size 14 jeans on the floor and bite into another buttered crumpet yelling "SCREW YOU ALEX PERRY!"

Then we meet Belinda. She's the biggest dag of them all. She's only worn heels five times in her life and can’t really even walk in flats, and will clearly win the AMAZING OH MY GOD WHAT A TRANSFORMATION ugly duckling makeover award once they take off her daggy glasses and Deborah K top. She is also clearly the type they are going to play the country yokel background music for every time she's on screen.

"I don’t reckon there’s enough kind of, everyone’s focusing on the fact that it’s gone through the whole oh my god we don’t want that skinny emaciated pathetic looking people that look just anorexic so..." she says.

WTF? probably sums up the feeling in the judging room after this little speech.

Meanwhile, Alexandra has fallen asleep with an open book of Kafka on her head. Poor dear, someone should tell her that’s not how osmosis works.

When she wakes up she endears herself to everyone by boasting about how she looks at overseas fashion, not Australian designers, and drops a whole heap of names to prove what a fashionista she is.

Then she walks down the runway and it looks like her hips are going to disconnect and finish the strut on their own. Perhaps she, Leiden and Alamela can form their own breakaway fembot league of models.

When she's asked to give five reasons why she's better than the other models, she answers "I'm whiter". Oo-kay then.

Finally there's Samantha. The judges say “exotic”. I say “eyebrow wax”.

At least tweeze them, honey.

The girls are then shuttled off to the model mansion, and there’s a lot of “Oh my GOURD”ing. There’s all the mod cons, including a gym which, if last year was anything to go by, will never get used.

The first order of the day is to come up with some house rules. Alamela's LEDs start flashing wildly - apparently she's a neat freak. At least, that was how they programmed her back on Creepton 5.

The girls add such helpful, black and white, totally non vague rules as “Cook and clean” and “don’t take offence to criticism”.

This latter point is explained by Rebecca: “If someone says you’re ugly, and an ugly bitch, then sure you can cry, but um, like, we should be able to critique you and you shouldn’t get upset about it cos we’re just trying to help you.”

So if you call someone an ugly bitch, make sure you counter it with something like "But you have great taste in music".

The next day the girls head off to their first challenge, a video shoot for the ANTM TV commercial, which has a James Bond theme. Each girl is assigned a role, from Russian spy to astronaut. Funny though, I don't seem to remember the roller disco girl in James Bond.

“Everyone seemed well suited to the role they had,” says Alexandra, as receptionist Jaime is assigned the role of a spear fisherwoman. Although Rebecca is a jungle girl, which would seem to fit in Alex's world because she’s not WHITE.

“My boyfriend is going to be so proud of me,” shrieks jungle girl Rebecca who has a snake draped around her neck. He’s too busy beating off to care about that, Rebecca.

Sadly, she fails to complete the complex choreography of two steps forward, look around, one step left. Pease Porridge is unhappy.

Emma, the pilot, has to drop from the ceiling in a parachute.

“The hardest part about it was definitely the landing” she says. As opposed to all the other shit she had to do, like breathing.

“I can’t do it for her. I can’t stick my hand up the back of her and make it happen,” says Pease, without even a touch of awkwardness.

Belinda spends a good 20 minutes dicking around on some rigging squealing “Wee!” before doing a very passable impression of Sophie Monk’s yokel country half sister.

Belinda is quite clearly the Australian modelling equivalent of Superman. She’s completely hot stuff, bounding around with a body to die for and eyes that could slice you open as soon as look at you, but as soon as she puts on her glasses, it’s all “Clark, where’s that report I wanted?” and “Clark, get downtown you bonehead, Superman’s supposed to be showing up soon!”

“Lose the glasses, lose the kook, you could win,” barks Pease, as all the other models stand around doing impressions of Cinderella’s ugly stepsisters.

Alamela struggles with a giant mascara brush (stolen from Dawson’s dressing room, clearly) to play the Tarantinoesque role of “ninja schoolgirl”. Pity. I would have preferred to see her as Mrs Pink, arguing with Jodhi over whether you should tip.

Like all the other models so far, Alamela has difficulty with the demanding choreography of her five second piece – namely, twisting the mascara brush to the side while yelling “HA!” like a ninja.

“I’ve never had to go ‘ha’ before,” she whinges, while 11 other models in the background wish they could take that mascara brush and give her the motivation she needs.

Next up the girls have to shoot a series of Bondesque “silhouettes”, which require them to run three metres in front of a blue screen. They each have a half hour training session with a professional jogger and blue screen stunt man, followed by a short exam and 10 minute refresher course to make sure they fully grasp what is required of them.

Six hours later, Kristy, the roller disco girl, helpfully tells us what she learned: “The blue screen went down onto the floor, and it was like, material, and we all had to run across it and I had to ROLL across it in rollerskates and I was the last girl and it was really hard to get the skates moving on the material and then my head went that way and my legs went that way!”

Her skates get stuck, she has a cry. Then Belinda falls over, and suddenly she’s better again. Funny how that shit works, isn’t it?

Outside the studio there’s some good old fashioned bitching going on, with a few of the girls laying in to Alexandra in the back of the Tarago. Hang on, settle down, not in THAT way. I think that happens in episode four.

“She was talking about how her weight had fluctuated,” says one.

“What’s that?”

“Like, going up and down.”

Given that Emma had difficulties just mastering “down” in her film shoot, this conversation is possibly not so surprising.

Back inside, and Demelza is suited up as some sort of disco-fied astronaut. Or “arse-tronaut” as Pease labels her, because she has a size 10 rear. This, apparently, is unacceptable – EVEN IN THE OUTER REACHES OF THE GALAXY.

“I’m going to show that the world really does revolve around me,” she beams.

Yes. Just like an astronaut, who actually revolves around the... never mind.

We whisk through the others like a hurricane in Elton John’s dressing room - in a flurry of spandex and glitter eyeshadow - presumably because they were all too boring to show in their entirety, and the whole piece ends with a shot of all the models staggering towards Jodhi in ripped clothing and begrimed skin. I can only hope that’s how the winner will eventually be chosen – they’ll set off a bomb in Fox studios, and whichever model can crawl to Jodhi first without dying or requiring medical attention will win. Hurrah!

Back at the model mansion, and it appears a new alliance has formed – Bec, Demelza and Alyce, who have started to refer to themselves as “The Bitchketeers”. I would have thought of that eventually.

The first item on the BK’s agenda is number two. I mean it’s shit. No really, it literally is shit - namely, who has been crapping in the upstairs toilets. This, apparently, contravenes rule three subsection 1A of the house rules: “No shitting in the upstairs toilets”. On the flip side, it probably goes without saying that vomiting is not only allowed in all of the model mansion toilets, but encouraged.

Still caked in makeup from the video shoot (because model make up is like, totally hot, so we should just like, keep it on and run around in our underwear and stuff), Alyce sets about the house waking people up in an effort to seek justice for the misplaced poo. Alamela rather randomly declares she’d rather read New Scientist than be involved with their inane quests, at which Alexandra shrieks “I READ KAFFFFFKAAAAAA!”

The next day the girls are whisked off to a Collette Dinnigan shoot for VOGUE, at the mention of which all of them promptly pee their pants, except for Alexandra, who can name at least three other overseas designers she’d rather wear.

“No I’ve never bought her stuff and I probably wouldn’t. It’s too old for me,” she highbrows, not once mentioning that a lowly university student like her would have to live in a dumpster for a month eating nothing but sawdust to even afford her stuff in the first place.

They are met by Pease, who seems to be wearing a shirt that is trying to strangle him without him noticing.

Look out? Look out for whaaaaaaaa....

He takes out a honking great knitting needle to burst their bubble of happiness by telling them they’re not shooting for VOGUE magazine, but the VOGUE website. And actually, it’s not spelled that way, it’s spelled VOWG and it’s based out of Russia. And you’ll need to sign here, here and here, and just ignore the bit that’s headed MARRIAGE LICENSING INFORMATION.

VOGUE editor Kirstie Clements gives the girls a well deserved rap over the knuckles for their atrocious tan lines – most of them look like they should be hanging off the back of a ute in an Alby Mangles film from 1983.

“Go without tanning? But then I’d be white!” yelps Jaime, who looks like someone up ended her in a bucket of Twining’s English Breakfast and left her there for a week.

Then Samantha faces one of the more embarrassing moments of her life – having to explain to the editor of VOGUE why she has a bandaid on her elbow.

“Um... a bouncy castle incident,” she says.

With Kate Moss, it’s cocaine. With Naomi Campbell, it’s a lawsuit. With Australia’s Next Top Model contestants, it’s a bouncy castle. Horses for courses, I guess.

“Oh that dress suits you, it does, it’s very sweet with your... hmmph... he he... BRACES,” spurts Clements as Caris rolls out in a black lacy Dinnigan number. It’s all the poor woman can do to stop herself exploding with laughter. Braces? I mean come on, what’s next? A size 12 on the runway? Fortunately Caris has no clue.

“It was a real confidence booster!” she gushes.

“She feels quite passionate to do it for people with braces,” explains Pease.

“Oh, ha ha, right - and bad skin!” cackles Clements, in a way I’d imagine is not unlike how he Wicked Witch of the West’s even more wicked older sister would laugh.

So when Belinda the kooky yokel steps up to her to gas bag on about how she doesn’t like living with just girls, because she’s used to living with guys AND girls, and it’s only been a week and it’s really starting to get on her nerves – people begin looking for the nearest table to cower under. Fortunately however the queen has just finished her third kitten’s heart and washed it down with a glass of pearl infused Moet, so she starts singing Belinda’s praises instead of spearing her in the head with a stiletto and kicking her into the nearest photographer like we all assumed she would. Grand.

Photo time, and it’s one of those horrendous group shots ANTM loves to do, where one person looks fabulous and everyone else ends up looking wonked with a gammy eye, dead hand and weird hair. Works for me!

“It doesn’t feel like Emma wants to be here,” snarls Clements through a mouthful of puppy blood.

Not sure why.

“Belinda was my favourite today. She’s got slightly protruding teeth and looks like she’s going to walk into a wall,” she continues.

So THAT’S the secret, girls! VOGUE cover, here we come.

Next thing you know, a Jodhi mail has winged its way on set, and Leiden is reading out a quote by Winston Churchill. Or Church-chill, as she puts it.

“Church chill? Churchill? I don’t even know who that is,” she gobs, while all the other models, clearly history majors, laugh their size 8 to 10 arses off.

But here on ANTM, everyone gets their chance to look stupid, and we begin a delicious montage of moronic models all saying variations on the theme of “Winston Churchill is... um...”, the highlight of which is Rebecca who confidently asserts that “Winston Churchill was a famous philosopher.”

It’s times like these I momentarily consider the benefits of repealing the votes for women legislation.

Back at the model mansion and discussion has turned to more important things, like whether a size 10 is fat or not. The conversation takes a brief turn into a spirited debate about whether clothes made in Bali smell bad, but this is put to a swift end by Kristy’s trump argument: “Who cares, they’re clothes, we wear them.” Alexandra decides to squash all future arguments by not discussing fashion in the house, which is fine with her as all the other girls shop at Westfield and she doesn’t, and they wouldn’t even know what shops or brands she was talking about anyway, so there’s no point.

The fact that no one really wants to talk to Alexandra about anything at all seems to escape her.

On the way to the first judging session, Alamela increases her weirdness factor by about 150 points by breaking into an operetta because “I always sing when I get nervous”. Oo-kay.

But it’s nothing compared to the weirdness they face when they get to the JUDGING WAREHOUSE (cue ominous music). Jodhi. Delivers. Her. Best. Rehearsed. Stilted. Speech. About. The. Prizes. They. Can. Win. Which takes about 2 and a half hours.

Fortunately my dog got hungry and started chewing my big toe, waking me up in time to see Charlotte Dawson looking like John Travolta in Hairspray.

Can’t go back to sleep after that.

On to photo judging., in which:

- Samantha looks startlingly like the photographer’s hairy cousin Mario.

- Leiden looks fine but for the effect that her front tooth has been punched in (possibly by Mario).

- Perry criticises Rebecca for not being enough like that great fashion icon, Pol Pot.

- Belinda looks like she’s been dragged backwards around an obstacle course consisting of a large hay stack, a wind tunnel and a giant pot of foundation, and the judges almost wet themselves with excitement, particularly Ms Clements, whose enthusiasm for the Queensland yokel is beginning to border on creepy obsession.

- Perry decries Leiden’s hair as “Herman Munster”. If only it was Pol Pot instead.

- A whole lot of names are bandied about along with the phrases “Not safe”, “Not a model”, “She doesn’t cut it” – but who the hell really knows who they’re talking about? Demelza? Alamela? Kamila? Ramalamadingdong? IT’S ALL TOO HARD JUST KICK ONE OUT ALREADY.

So they do, with Jodhi reading off her notes the entire time (hey come on, we can’t ALL be Tyra – it’s hard to memorise 13 things to say), and the loser is: Kamila.

Who? Who knows? Who cares? Onward and upward, bitchketeers!

A case of fashion abuse

Gentle reader, I feel I have to come clean. I'm involved in an abusive relationship.

No one knows. Sure, I have wounds and scars, but they're not the kind you have to use concealer on or make up lies about stairs and doors to cover. They're the kind you can't see. For you see dear reader, my abusive paramour is one of the soft, pretty, floaty order. It's a dress.

It's not so innocent.

It started like any other relationship - eyes across a crowded room, a brief flirtation as we sized each other up, and the next thing I knew I was undressed in a cubicle with the object of my lusty attentions in my arms.

It was obvious I wasn't her first - the fingerprints on her straps and the tell tale REDUCED sticker on her swingtag showed she'd been loved and left behind several times before. In hindsight, this should have been a warning, but I didn't care. I knew Dress and I were perfect for each other.

Things turned bad soon after our first evening out together. Everyone said we suited each other beautifully, and they were right, we were a good looking couple. But as we sashayed around the room together winning admiring glances, all I could think about was the truth - that Dress had made it almost impossible to leave the house that night, being stubborn and uptight and complaining we weren't a good fit. I knew sometimes she had to be cajoled into coming out with me (she said she preferred hanging out with the jeans at home - they were so relaxed, she thought), but I still thought it was worth it.

The problem is she was always so touchy - you'd only have to brush past someone at the bar and she'd react angrily, proudly showing off her scars to all and sundry.

Then, after a particularly big night out on the town together, Dress just disappeared. Gone, like that. This wasn't entirely out of character, she'd done it before - once I found her at a friend's house where she'd been "staying" in the spare room for a week. But I had a big event coming up and Dress had promised to come with me. As the function loomed near I started to worry - where the hell was she? Then I got a call from the local dry cleaner to come and "collect" her. She'd been