Twenty-four women fight each other in sequins and heels to win the attentions of one man and set back feminism 50 years.
Six young Aussies navigate the real life rocky road to love - and we poke fun at them.
YASS, HUNTIES! Every episode of season six recapped for your reading pleasure. Let's get sickening!
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Thursday, September 18, 2014
I WAS KIDNAPPED BY ROBO-ALIENS FROM LAURINA'S MOTHERSHIP AND HELD CAPTIVE UNTIL I PROMISED TO HELP THEM RID THE UNIVERSE OF DIRTY STREET PIES.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Richard is a former soldier with the British army who has served in Afghanistan, Iraq and Macedonia.
And just like he knows how to handle an assault rifle, Richard knows how to handle women.
You might not think that tactical defence strategies for fending off insurgents in the desert would have much to do with modern dating, but you'd be wrong. Like,what if you want to date an insurgent? In the desert? You go to Richard's Dating Boot Camp, that's what you do.
Richard is tall and buff and a bit scary.
He also. Speaks in very. Short sentences. So blokes. Can understand him.
"We're about to apply. Military psychology. To how to meet. Girls," he says.
Having had zero luck with women so far using their natural looks and personality John and Burgo show up to get some mindblowing tips from Richard, including "treat women with respect" and "make her feel safe".
"So to make a woman feel safe would you just keep a good distance?" asks Burgo.
Richard explains his philosophy for meeting women is called "SILLY SALLY", which apparently is not the name of the easiest chick at the bar, but an anagram. For... well, christ knows.
"With 'silly sally' there's only actually five points, so the I and the A... silly... sally... if you...see..." he says.
"What 'I' might make somebody want to talk to you for longer?" asks Richard, pointing to the anagram that no one understands.
Apparently it stands for "interesting". As in "be more interesting". A revelation, I'm sure you'll agree.
Not only do men need to be interesting to pick up women, Richard says, but they should try to be so in an "attractive" way.
"So like, John being a nude model would be interesting in an attractive way?" asks Burgo.
"Er... yeah," says Richard.
Next Richard tells them they need to be "likeable", which is apparently different from being attractive and interesting.
His military training is really starting to show through here: as we all know, being likeable was a key part of the British army's defence strategy in Iraq.
Then Richard tells them the last "L" in the anagram stands for "leading". Which is good advice, because improper use of fonts is a real turn off.
Oh wait, he means like... being a leader. Well. Fonts are important too.
Anyway apparently doing all of these things will lead you to the "Y" in "silly sally" - which stands for "yes". So I assume that means she'll immediately jump into bed with you. (No wonder everyone calls her silly.)
"I think this guy knows what he's talking about," says Burgo, impressed.
For their next task, Burgo and John will be heading out to a bar to test out their new found skills on the unsuspecting public. Richard tells them they should talk to "everyone".
"Don't care if they are a really old guy in a wheelchair, we're going to talk to them anyway," he says, which would seem to be the worst advice anyone has ever given anyone trying to meet single women.
While John and Burgo hang off the bar looking awkward, their two opponents are getting attention from every single woman in the room by starting every conversation with "Excuse me, we are both French".
"They're French - we have a massive unfair advantage," says John.
I would have said John has the advantage for being fluent in English, but I'm not so sure now.
Noticing their lack of effort, Richard strides over to Burgo and orders him to do 40 push ups.
"I just can't be fucked," says Burgo.
"I'm either in a zone where I'm unstoppable, or I'm in a zone where I fucking hate every single person in my sight."
While the two French backpackers are hoh-hoh-hohing and baguetting it up with all the single ladies in the place, John is busying himself chatting to some old blokes at the bar.
Still, he's doing better than Burgo whose best effort amounts to asking what may actually be a lesbian couple to tell him about wine.
But it's about to get worse.
"We're going to pick a girl at the bar, go over to them and say 'hi, I've written you a poem because I think you're pretty, and give it to her," Richard tells them.
So to recap, this guy's advice for picking up women is to be interesting, attractive and write them a poem on the back of a bar napkin. Was the reason he left the army anything to do with clinical insanity?
Nevertheless, Burgo pens a delightful poem for the two unimpressed possible lesbians who tried to get rid of him earlier, and they are thrilled.
More thrilled than the actual lesbians he attempts to chat up on next week's show, anyway.
Do make sure you come back next week for that slice of sexually ambiguous fun. While you wait, why not go back and READ EPISODE 17 again?
Sunday, September 07, 2014
Friday, September 05, 2014
They're soon joined by Johnny, who appears to have just re-entered the earth's atmosphere on a skateboard.
Monday, September 01, 2014
Mary throws a spitball at her while Amber starts circulating a rumour that Jess smells, and Laurina's so upset she starts a "No Jesses" club and bans her from playing hopscotch in the quadrangle.
But just as they're about to pelt her with tampons in the gym showers they're interrupted by Osher Gunsberg, who has clearly misheard the "high school" theme as "high hair".
Just as they're beginning to debate the significance of Illuminati symbolism in the Da Vinci canon a furball coughed up by next door's cat floats into the garden and... oh, wait. It's just Osher Gunsberg.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
We rejoin Johnny and Courteney in Melbourne for part two of their dating competition, where it seems she has the distinct advantage of not being half dead.
"We went out for wines last night," she explains.
While she went home at the respectable time of 2am, Johnny apparently stayed out drinking until five and consequently has had one hour of sleep, and now looks like this:
She might be hangover-free, but Courteney isn't exactly rocking this dating competition either. Two of her dates have cancelled via text message, probably because they woke up on Sunday morning looking like Johnny and realised they didn't actually want to be on TV.
Speaking of looking like Johnny, he looks amazing for someone with one hour's sleep and more wine in their bloodstream than actual blood:
Unfortunately though when his date arrives he removes his sunglasses, revealing his bloodshot eyes and shattering the illusion.
While Johnny tries not to vomit on his date, Courteney attempts to make up for her two cancellations by cracking onto an entire table of five blokes via a handwritten note that begins "Dear table of cute boys".
With the promise of a mid-morning leg-over within reach, one of the blokes heads inside to meet Courteney and suddenly finds himself starring in a film noir.
Sadly, this film noir appears to have been written by a first year creative writing student at Cootamundra TAFE, as the dialogue is about as scintillating as an episode of Play School.
Bloke: I'm an engineer.
Courteney: How'd you get into engineering?
Bloke: I dunno, really.
Courteney: Is that something you have to be good at maths for?
Courteney: Are you on Tinder?
Courteney: Isn't it weird?
Meanwhile, Johnny's date with a packet of Berocca is going as well as expected:
Suddenly Courteney's next date arrives, a cute Italian boy who speaks mangled English with a charming accent.
"What is your favourite situation to met mens?" he asks her, which is the most adorable sentence of all time and should obviously be rewarded with an instant pash.
"If all girls are as beautiful as you, I definitely going to Adelaide," he says.
Except if you're Courteney, then apparently you can totally resist it.
The United Nations of dating continues with Johnny's next date, a Brazilian guy who isn't much of a conversationalist but does wait patiently while he runs to the toilet to chuck up. So that's something.
Moving on to Courteney's next date, who looks like the illustration for the Urban Dictionary entry for "Melbourne hipster".
She was apparently impressed by his pick up line on Tinder: "If you were the president, you'd be Babraham Lincoln".
Courteney does not realise this line comes from the film Wayne's World, probably because she was ONE when that came out.
Their tallies equal at three dates all, Courteney and Johnny decide on a tiebreaker - whoever can get their date to go on a ride with them at Luna Park.
Courtney's hipster is good to go, because Luna Park is like, totes ironic and you can take really sick Instagrams there.
Johnny's date, not so much.
"Did you know that one in four people die on rides in Luna Park? That place is a death trap," he says.
So with that, Courteney wins the dating war and heads off to Luna Park to make sure the ABC fulfils its contractual agreement with Tourism Victoria.
But as Johnny slinks home to die quietly in bed, it's clear who the real winner in all this was:
Now go on and READ EPISODE 17 when we have a look at all our daters two months on, and note how little has changed for everyone except Sooz. Or go back in time and READ EPISODE 15 again.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
I'd like to promise that this week's episodes will be up by Friday afternoon, but they won't be. So I'm going to say they'll be uploaded by Sunday, ready for you to read secretly on Monday at work when you're pretending to do important stuff. Hope that works for you.
On another note: if anyone at Channel 10 is reading this, it'd be grand to get advance copies of the show! Just sayin'... Help a sister out!
Also: try spelling "weekend" properly, it might help.
Also: I really hope he finished that last sentence with the word "redhead".
"You can't write 'I'm going to give away a free blow job on every date'," he tells Courteney, mainly because he didn't think of it first.