Dust off your sequins, crack open the nearest bottle of booze (OK, yes, hand sanitiser will do) and adjust your tuck - RuPaul's Drag Race is back, and this year it's getting recapped RIGHT HERE!
Yes kids, I am Febrezing away the stench of failure from my abandoned Australia's Next Top Model season 8 recaps (three episodes was enough, right? Sure it was) and getting straight back up on the sparkle pony to recap every episode of what is surely the most addictive thing on TV.
Geez, Pandora Boxx has really let herself go... Never mind - it's SEASON 6, bitches, time to start your engines!
Aiding me in my quest this season will be the holy trinity of Drag: Sharon Needles, Jinkx Monsoon and Alaska Thunderfuck, aka They Who Shall Be Adored.
And tell you your makeup is terrible.
And of course there'll be all the usual name calling, GIF-ing of inappropriate moments and irresponsible drinking games you've come to expect from the Haus of Bland Canyon.
Not to mention an abundance of READING TO FILTH.
So without further ado: LET'S GET SICKENING!
We kick off episode one with the usual flashbackery to last season, to remind us all how funny and great those queens were and also how they're no longer important in any way because FRESH MEAT, Y'ALL.
First into the Werq Room is Adore Delano, a 23-year-old Californian queen who looks a bit like what you'd get if Miley Cyrus attended a "Come as your favourite pop star" themed fancy dress party and couldn't decide between Lady Gaga and Katy Perry.
Next up is Ben de la Creme, 31 from Seattle, who has taken time out from his busy schedule of being Michelle Visage's good twin to compete for the crown.
This is how Michelle would have turned out if she'd never auditioned for Seduction.
Meanwhile, on the other side of Party City...
Ben might be perky, but she's got nothing on 23-year-old Gia Gunn, Chicago's foremost hula hoop upcycler.
But OUT OF THE WAY, GIRL because here comes this season's walking GIF, 24-year-old California girl Laganja Estranja, who in one literally drop dead gorgeous move secures her place in Drag Race promo commercials from now until the end of time.
Seriously, RuPaul will be in a nursing home and Sharon Needles will be hosting Drag Race from space and they will STILL be using this clip in the ads.
Next into the Werq Room is 24-year-old Puerto Rican April Carrion, who sadly isn't a rotting corpse but, as she describes it, "a cross between Bjork and Coco Rocha" in a military uniform.
Every season of Drag Race has to have one obvious underdog, or just... a dog. Enter Kelly Mantle (no actually don't, you wouldn't fit), who is clearly aiming for Bettie Page but has landed more on the personals page. You know, the cheap ones that go for 20 cents a line.
"I've been on a bunch of TV shows, but I promise I'm not going to walk around reciting my IMDB page like some people we know from past seasons," she says.
"Glowing hearts on a simple dress is not giving me drag," whines Gia about Kelly.
To clarify: THINGS THAT GIVE GIA DRAG:
Suddenly the earth rumbles, the walls shake and the door bursts open to reveal a spectacular 8 foot tall alien with glowing eyes... and a lack of fine motor skills.
While Vivacious, 40, of New York, retires to the corner to Google "How to undo a stuck zipper with gel nails" on her phone all the other queens rush across the room to make amazed faces at a blank TV screen onto which video of RuPaul will be added in post-production.
"For the first time ever we're not just having one premiere, we're having two," he says.
"This way no one can get lost in the crowd," he continues.
"Because the only thing better than one big opening is TWO big openings."
He then explains the prizes they're all competing for, which this year include a used bus ticket, a packet of bobby pins and a two-for-one voucher for Subway, before hustling them all away to their first photo shoot.
This week the queens all have to pull sexy faces while leaping into a foam pit in front of a giant TV set, otherwise known as "a normal Friday night at Michelle Visage's house".
LEAPING QUEENS PHOTO SHOOT IN A NUTSHELL:
* Kelly Mantle doesn't so much leap into the shot as indifferently stagger off the platform, rather like a drunk bride falling off a cruise ship on her honeymoon. In a Target dress. Unsurprisingly, this is not the look RuPaul is going for.
* Adore Delano tries to look hot, ends up looking like a hot dog.
* Still dressed in her GI Jane outfit April Carrion counts down in Spanish, salutes, and throws herself into the pit. I'd like to imagine this is the way people usually leave the house in Puerto Rico each day.
* Having finally tracked down a YouTube instructional video for how to undo a broken zipper Vivacious is finally free and ready to impress on camera. Sadly she is outshone by her foam prop head.
Then it's back to the Werq Room, where the queens are de-dragging and gasbagging.
"This will be my 21st year doing drag," sighs Vivacious.
"Twenty two years?" gasps Kelly, who apparently is not familiar with the words "twenty-first".
Suddenly a hush falls over the room, the lights flicker and all the air appears to whoosh out, as if creating a vacuum. Somewhere, a dog barks.
The door creaks open and...
Promising to show them the other seven contestants, RuPaul leads them out to a garage where he begins to open the back of a giant moving truck.
Usually the next step in this scenario involves handing out candy and announcing there are puppies "way in the back of the truck", but none of the queens seems to have been educated in stranger danger so they crowd around, super excited at what is to be revealed.
The truck door slowly begins to slide up and...
Yes, the remaining seven contestants have been dismembered and packed into boxes bearing the names of more popular TV shows as a warning to the others of just how tough a career in showbusiness can be.
Nah, actually it's just another challenge where they each have to act out a TV show or something. Yawn.
Holy Trinity, what do you think of this challenge?
As the winner of the photo challenge, Laganja gets to fuck everyone over by picking who gets to work with which box - sort of like a porn director, but poorer.
She obviously hates April Carrion as she assigns her the ultra macho redneck soapie Duck Dynasty.
Given April turned up in an army outfit looking like the least convincing drag act since Corporal Klinger on MASH, she could probably just grow some stubble and she'd be home free, but that doesn't stop her complaining about it.
Having a worse time is Adore Delano, who's been given Honey Boo Boo and apparently has to make a dress out of a bag of sick.
Well, at least she'll be literally sickening?
Meanwhile, Gia Gunn clearly used method acting to get inside the head of her character Kim Kardashian, as her description of her outfit requires less than two brain cells to compute.
"I'm thinking some sort of collar, something flowy, I'm thinking gownish, maybe like a dress?" she tells Ru.
Back over to Adore Delano, who has managed to come up with the only thing worse than an outfit made out of sick - one that is accidentally hot glued to a mannequin.
"The first queen goes home today, and no one wants to be THAT girl," says Kelly Mantle solemnly, as everyone starts whistling and looking in the other direction.
This is what is known as FORESHADOWING. But enough of these dramatic devices...
IT'S CATWALK TIME.* With this week's episode sponsored by the food handlers' union of America, RuPaul pays tribute to both our Holy Trinity and hygienic food storage practices by wearing Alaska's cling wrap dress from season five.
* Meanwhile, over on the judges' table Ben De La Creme is looking ROUGH. Learn to contour, girl! Oh wait...
* Halfway through her runway show it becomes obvious Gia Gunn misheard "Kardashians" as "car dash accessory", as she looks less like a high fashion representation of the TV show and more like a dollar store bobblehead.
* Kelly Mantle has clearly never heard of the British period drama Downton Abbey, and has instead come dressed as "Downtown Abbie" - a good time girl from the back blocks of Oklahoma City.
* "There's a little Kristin Wiig in there," says RuPaul. In unrelated news, RuPaul hates Kristin Wiig's guts.
* April Carrion draws inspiration from her name and hangs some duck carcasses off her belt; still manages to look more fashionable than Kelly Mantle.
* Adore Delano struts out in what appears to be a curtain that was rescued from a fire at a brothel and attacked with scissors and hot glue. She still looks better than Kelly Mantle.
* In Laganja Estranga's world, "Dancing with the Stars" clearly leads to "rough sex with a mirrorball", as that's exactly what she looks like she's just been involved in backstage.
* Draped in silver foil with stuffed black birds taped to her arms, Vivacious looks less Game of Thrones and more "that family barbecue where we burnt the chicken that one time".
* Ben De La Creme looks insanely amazing in her fashion tribute to The Golden Girls - and fortunately she and Michelle don't lock eyes so everyone's lives are spared.
* The judges say something to Gia Gunn. Gia Gunn says "absolutely". The judges say something else to Gia Gunn. Gia Gunn says "absolutely". The judges say something else to Gia Gunn. Gia Gunn says "absolutely".
* Michalle Visage criticises Laganja Estranja for "losing her neckline", She would know, her boobs have been threatening to cross the border and seize her neck for years.
* Still, better to lose your neckline than have it strangled by bacon, which is Michelle's summary of Kelly Mantle's outfit, making her the one thing in the world that isn't improved by being wrapped in bacon.