Welcome back, Drag Hags!
Have you already read last week's episode one recap? Good. Then let's begin.
First, let's say grace and welcome our ever present Holy Trinity: Sharon Needles, Jinkx Monsoon and Alaska Thunderfuck, aka They Who Shall Be Adored. Hiyeee!
Pfft. Picky bitches.
We kick off this week's episode with a party in the Werq Room, where all the queens who aren't Kelly Mantle are celebrating not being Kelly Mantle.
Here, look how happy Ben De La Creme is:
Sorry, not happy - "hungry". I always get those two confused.
They're all preparing to vacate the premises to welcome the next lot of contestants, who for some reason couldn't fit in the first episode. Possibly because Gia Gunn's handbag was blocking the door.
"I WONDER WHAT THE NEXT TROGLODYTES ARE LIKE," yells Vivacious, who is still being attacked by burnt chicken carcasses from the last episode.
"Wait, did she say 'chocolate dykes'?"
All of a sudden the floorboards start shaking, the windows begin to rattle and chunks of plaster start breaking away from the ceiling as the door creaks open and...
Oh, it's her.
"SHUT YOUR STINKING PIE HOLES!" Ru shouts for no apparent reason, before slinking away again to keep blowing herself. I mean blue-ing herself. I mean... you know what I mean.
Laganja Estranga grabs the last of the party cupcakes and hides it in her neck-ruff-slash-wig-explosion and they all shuffle off to the nearest bingo lounge to wait for episode 3.
Back in the Werq Room, in struts our newest contestant, Bianca Del Rio, 37 of New York, aka "The Bitch of Season 6".
"I feel it's my duty to show America that some queens have good teeth and good hair," she says, proving that she can be a slag even when totally alone in an empty room.
And is therefore destined to be my favourite this season.
Then there's Trinity K Bonet, 22 of Atlanta, who is clearly a dog lover as she appears to be wearing one.
"I'm about as close as you're going to get to Beyonce," she says.
Beyonce's reaction to this claim was less than positive.
Proving the undeniable truth illustrated in every season of Drag Race that any queen who idolises Beyonce always turns out to be boring as hell, Trinity is boring as hell.
Moving on to Joslyn Fox, 26 from Massachusetts, whose lycra headband appears to have slipped down and...
Oh no wait, that's her dress.
"Joslyn looks like she put on every fucking piece of jewellery she owns. It looks like she went to Clair's, fell on a sale rack and said 'I'll take it!'," says Bianca. Bianca for president.
But wait, STOP EVERYTHING BECAUSE OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS BITCH.
It's like a toreador mated with someone from a Dee-Lite video and then dropped acid.
This is Milk. Milk is 25 and from New York and obviously totally mental. I love her. I would watch an all-Milk, all the time TV channel if there was one. There probably is, on American cable - they have like, 500 channels over there. Logo, sort it out.
Next on the slab is 28-year-old Seattle queen Magnolia Crawford, who looks like the unfortunate lovechild of Cyndi Lauper and Patsy from Ab Fab.
Girls just wanna look 50.
What do you think, ladies?
"Nose contoured to death, honey who you pointing at?" - one point to Milk.
"I thought she was a fuckin' swordfish!" - two points to Bianca, for originality.
"Are you going for Peg Bundy?" - three points to Trinity for maximum shade, but minus a point for not knowing that Peg Bundy had orange hair. Seriously kids, read your history.
Then suddenly there's a fanfare of trumpets, a red carpet rolls out of nowhere, glitter cannons explode on either side of the doorway and there is an audible intake of breath from all the queens as in walks The Pride of Australia, Courtney Act.
I spent hours Photoshopping all the adoring bluebirds and bunny rabbits out of this shot.
Courtney is 31 and from Sydney, where she rose to fame in 2003 for being a finalist on Australian Idol. She is also a total goddess who can do no wrong so will potentially be a really unfunny part of these recaps. Sorry 'bout it. (Aussie bias in full effect).
The other queens are all super impressed, particularly Trinity:
Either she doesn't care much for Courtney's look, or all that fizzy champagne has just had an effect on Joslyn's digestive tract.
Magnolia isn't a fan either, whingeing that Courtney "isn't drag" because she "looks like a girl".
Well, at least someone does.
Next through the door is Darienne Lake, 41 from New York, who looks all kinds of fabulous. No really, ALL kinds.
She's big in New York. And Chicago. And everywhere, actually.
Suddenly a gust of wind blows through the studio, shaking the walls, tossing wigs hither and thither and blowing Magnolia's face powder off so she's left with only half a nose when in walks RuPaul... to go over the same shit we already went over last week.
"Blah blah blah seven contestants blah blah blah two big openings blah blah blah sashay away," says RuPaul.
Not everyone gets it.
"But where did those cupcakes come from?" babbles Trinity, confused, as the others all sashay off to their first challenge - a "slumber party" themed photo shoot where they have to pose in bed with the half naked Pit Crew team.
I think we can all agree this challenge is much better than episode one.
SLUTTY SLUMBER PARTY SHOOT IN A NUTSHELL:
* Bianca Del Rio looks like an inflatable sex doll being attacked by a football team. This is not a bad thing.
"Hey coach, you want in?"
* Magnolia rips open a feather pillow and looks less sexy than when Ozzie Osbourne tore up that chicken on stage that time.
* "Pillows are coming in my face!" shrieks Joslyn Fox, which makes a nice change from usual.
Bonus LOLs: Father Christmas in drag.
* Courtney. Fricking. NAILS IT. Natch.
* Milk jumps on the bed, covers herself in feathers, looks totally bizarre and awesome.
Somewhere, Detox is having cold shivers.
Then it's back to the Werq Room, where RuPaul orders the Pit Crew to bring out their packages.
Sadly for everyone, he means actual packages.
The "elephant package" was the biggest let down.
In each box are the leftovers of a themed party, which the queens must use to create their best "high fashion" look.
There's a luau, a St Patrick's Day party, even a Republican party.
Sadly there is no "Sharon Needles Party".
As a reward for not looking as bad as everyone else in the slumber party photos, Trinity K Bonet is given the opportunity to screw everyone over by nominating who gets each box - sort of like the casting director on a porn film, but not as classy.
Magnolia Crawford gets a country hoedown, Milk gets a toga party while Joslyn Fox is given the quinceanera box.
"I want everything in my box!" she squeals, which is coincidentally exactly what Annabel Chong said about 30 seconds before the cameras started rolling.
"I have house numbers! Fifty one," she continues, holding up the numbers that are meant to say "15".
Clearly she thinks a quinceanera is the Spanish version of a housewarming and is going to dress up as a duplex.
"I can help with that."
Standing proudly in front of a table that looks like a giant muppet just threw up on it, Joslyn tells RuPaul she's already selected her fabrics.
"I want to avoid it being too loud, too busy," she says.
Trinity K Bonet announced her "princess party" outfit is going to be an homage to Kate Middleton and Princess Leia. I hope this means she will come out in a gold bikini with a cashmere cardigan over the top.
Then RuPaul asks Darienne Lake what silhouette she's going for, to which she gives a really well thought out and articulate response:
No, I don't.
Just in case you're not in love with Bianca Del Rio yet, she gives you two more reasons: 1) referring to her long memory for quick quips and insults as her "rolodex of hate" and b) announcing that she works for a Broadway costume maker. Bitch can sew. Bow down.
Over on the other side of the workroom, Magnolia Crawford is having a big sook because her box is "full of crap".
Coincidentally, that's exactly what... oh never mind.
"It's hideous fabric - denim, and this brown thing looks like shit," she whinges, while RuPaul doesn't even pretend to look sympathetic.
Yeah, so hideous.
"I think of myself as a glamorous trash queen," blahs Magnolia.
A trash queen who's too good for denim, apparently.
Back over at Milk's table, she's debating whether or not to wear pants and a beard on the runway.
Let's consult with the Holy Trinity on this one: Alaska, what do you think?
She's still cute though.
"I'm going to be the black horse in this competition," declares Joslyn Fox.
"Do you mean 'dark horse'?" asks an off-camera producer.
Honey, have you SEEN Joslyn's dress? She's not going to be a dark anything.
That bitch will GLOW in the damn dark.
Over at the makeup mirrors, Darienne is impressing Courtney with her totally up-to-date knowledge of Australian pop culture.
"So in Australia, are you like, Natalie Imbruglia famous?" she asks.
Whoops, looks like Milk has made her decision about that beard...
Surely a milk moustache would have been more appropriate?
But enough of all this beard stroking.
IT'S CATWALK TIME!
* RuPaul comes out in a silver beaded gown so off the wall fabulous it kills everything within a 10km radius stone dead.
Note to Trinity: THIS is as close as you're going to get to Beyonce.
* Fortunately Michelle Visage is protected by her two personal airbags, so is still alive.
Unless that's actually Ben De La... I TOLD YOU THAT JOKE WOULD NEVER GET OLD!
* Khloe Kardashian is there. I'm sure that's important to some people.
* Trinity K Bonet (or, as she is known here, "Trinity K Bone", which I think is much more appropriate) bucks all expectations of being totally boring by rocking up as a megababe robot geisha princess from the future.
If this is Trinity's homage to Kate Middleton, I can't wait to see her on the Snatch Game.
She blows a white powder all over the judges and then leaves - just like Sharon Needles did last time she attended a Drag Race party.
* Dressed for a luau in a killer floral print gown, Bianca Del Rio walks in sucking on a nut...
...just like Sharon Needles did at the last Drag Race party.
* Darienne Lake struts out in what looks like Elton John's garbage bag, reduces the entire judging panel to mono syllables.
Even noted orator Khloe Kardashian can only manage "Hello, Ms Lake."
* Clearly Magnolia Crawford couldn't find any non-hideous fabric in that box, as she comes out dressed as a cow.
Needs more cowbell.
* I'd love to tell you about Joslyn Fox's quinceanera dress, but as soon as she stepped onto the runway my retinas melted and I had to rush to the emergency room.
* Next up is The Pride of Australia Courtney Act, who wows everyone re-enacting the day of her birth by popping out of a big red box.
Don't hate: in Australia, it's actually totes progressive to be a Republican.
* Moving on to the glass and a half of full queer dairy Milk, who shakes things up by showing off her jugs as well as a long white beard. If Father Time underwent gender reassignment surgery, this is what he'd look like.
Yeah, there's a speck just above your lip.
* "I think your eye makeup is a little too heavy, I don't feel like I can see your eyes as much as I'd like to," Khloe Kardashian tells Bianca Del Rio.
Whatever do you mean?
* "I have a very big cameltoe. My puss is very large and in charge," announces Khloe Kardashian by way of critiquing Darienne Lake's outfit.
"I can't have ruching in the front of my outfit, because it just accentuates my puss," she continues.
You do realise Darienne doesn't actually HAVE a puss, don't you Khloe?
* And now it's over to Magnolia Crawford, who is about to start season six's first Epic Fight with the judges.
"My eyes honed right in on that nose contour," spits Michelle Visage.
What's the problem? You don't like the semi facial burns look?
"And that dress is very basic," continues Santino.
"I don't think that this print is basic," Magnolia seethes.
"I'm so bored by your lack of ability to accept critique, I'm going to sleep."
"I DIDN'T LIKE MY BOX!" Magnolia gasps.
Hey that's what... OK, this joke is done now.
"I've got a god damn bow on my ass!" she shrieks, as if that's the most groundbreaking fashion statement anyone has ever made.
"There's a limit to how much you can do with red and white check!"
Meanwhile, on previous first episodes of Drag Race...
RAGS, AND FUCKING CLING WRAP.
Well, they're not in the Holy Trinity for nothing.
* Michelle Visage tells Joslyn Fox her outfit is too over the top. This is rather like the time Lindsay Lohan described Amanda Bynes as being out of control.
* "I honestly just want to skin you alive and wear your body," Khloe Kardashian gushes over Courtney Act.
"Oh hahahaha - IT WOULDN'T FIT."
* Despite looking like a homeless Chinese man given a surprise makeover by Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Milk gets effusive praise from all the judges.
Meanwhile, at the other end of the stage...
There's some more deliberation and the queens return from the backstage lounge which, after being dumped by Absolut, this week is sponsored by Professor Spud's Flapjack Parlour in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. Who needs big name sponsors eh?
RuPaul explains the prizes they're all competing for, which this year include a half-used box of matches, a 20 per cent off coupon at Mobil in North Dakota and a lice comb, before crowning Bianca Del Rio the winner of the evening.
In a totally unsurprising twist that even those blinded by Joslyn Fox's outfit saw coming, Magnolia Crawford and Darienne Lake are sent to the bottom two to Lip Sync For Their Lives.
Darienne prays for "Benny and the Jets", while Magnolia prays for Steely Dan's "Black Cow". Sadly everyone loses, as it's "Turn the Beat Around" by Vicki Sue Robinson.
Not that it really matters to Magnolia, who appears to be singing an entirely different song called "Bah Bah Bah La La", while Darienne runs rings around her.
And if a girl that size can run rings around you, you in trouble girl.
No one is shocked with Magnolia is told to sashay away.
"All publicity is good publicity," she sighs as she ambles out the door.
True. Remember all those other stars of RuPaul's Drag Race who got kicked out in the first episode?
No, me neither.
Don't forget to come back next week for episode 3!