Just for something different we begin this week's episode with a good "sitting around in casual separates" session in the Shag Mansion (because that's always great TV) when a furball coughed up by next door's cat rolls through the door and announces it's not going to cook breakfast.
Oh no wait, it's just... well. You know.
Osher is hands out the latest date card and buggers off again, because he's only contractually obliged to appear in 35 seconds per episode, but not before telling the women it is "the most romantic date yet".
What, more romantic than sky diving? Than eating duck tongues? Than watching home movies in a deserted drive-in? HOW?
"Sail away with me, meet me on the pier in one hour - Louise," Jess reads from the card, and Louise is momentarily excited at the idea of going on a date with Jess.
Then she realises she actually has to spend the day with Blake, and has to comfort herself with food.
Everyone listens intently, except for Kara who can't hear because her ears are still ringing from using her make-up gun earlier.
Flash forward and it's time for cocktails and dreams, whatever that is.
Suddenly a blob of hair from the upstairs shower slinks into the room and grabs Blake, dragging him outside. (HINT: It's just Osher Gunsberg.)
"Osher does not normally walk into our cocktail party, so we knew something was up immediately," says Chantal, before adding "Is he actually still even on this show?"
Something is indeed up, and it's arriving in a succession of limos much like it did in episode one. That's right, MORE WOMEN ARE ARRIVING.
Yes, in an effort to spice up the series the producers have pulled their list of failed auditionees out of the bin, found the ones marked "TOO CRAZY", "NOT HOT ENOUGH" and "LOOKS TOO MUCH LIKE THE OTHER ONE" and called them up to see if they're still keen on ruining their lives on national television. They are.
First cab off the rank is Mary, a 27-year-old acting student who also moonlights as stunt double for Sesame Street's The Count.
Next is Rachel, a 27-year-old medical sales rep who also moonlights as stunt double for past Bachelorette Holly.
Then comes Anastasia, Tahnee and someone who describes themselves as a "25-year-old fashion blogger from Bondi" so I think it's probably safe to ignore her completely.
Then there's 27-year-old dance teacher Lauren who, despite turning up in a bridal gown, is quite obviously the coolest woman yet to appear on this show and will definitely win.
Inside, the Original Women (the OWs) are really enjoying meeting their new housemates.
Kara immediately forms a welcoming committee to make their new friends feel at home, shouting "THIS IS AN ABSOLUTE TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE! THEY HAVEN'T BEEN THROUGH WHAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH! THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE IN FOR!"
She does slightly better than Laurina though, who asks all the new women to "tell us about your entrance".
The others deal with the new arrangement really well, with Sam crying "I JUST WANT TO PACK MY SUITCASE AND GO HOME TO MY FAMILY," and Laurina weeping "MY TRUST HAS BEEN BROKEN, AND I'M OFFENDED," because both of them still think Blake has anything to do with what happens on this show.
"I feel depreciated as a human being. My stock is up here - my stock doesn't go down," says Amber, who apparently resorts to accounting jargon in times of stress.
Sensing her pain (and also because she was told to by the producers) Aley the Bondi fashion blogger tries to comfort Amber by saying some words at her.
"The right thing will happen. He'll land up with someone beautiful. I just want to hug you but you probably don't even want to look at me!" she says, while spitting out the icy cold chunk of butter she's been holding in her mouth for the last hour.
While Amber runs off to her room to cry into her limited edition Ryan Gosling pillow, Blake attempts to comfort Sam who is also upset about something for some reason. I can't keep track any more, because literally EVERYONE is crying. Maybe they did put something in the champagne?
"Can we chat?" he asks.
"Nah dude, maybe tomorrow," says Sam, through tears and gritted teeth.
"LIFE IS VERY CHALLENGING, AND WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH A LOT OF OBSTACLES AND IF WE CAN'T TALK THROUGH THINGS NOW THEN WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT OUR FUTURE?" moans Blake, who starts crying tears of blood as the walls burst into flames and everyone collapses to the floor, writhing and wailing.
Just a reminder: this is all because six new women have arrived.
Blake and Sam finally go off for a chat and it's entirely unremarkable except for the part when she declares: "I thought we were getting to the serious end of the stick".
Blake moves on to newcomer Mary and tries his patented chat-up line: "so, do you want children?", to which she responds in the appropriate way: by laughing in his face and saying "Settle down!"
I love Mary.
Scared shitless, he moves on to Aley the Bondi fashion blogger, aka Ja'mie King from Summer Heights High in 10 years.
Meanwhile, inside things are still going to hell.
"This is an absolute embarrassment and this is just a joke, and I will gladly walk out, I have too much dignity and too much pride," spits Amber, who is currently having a teary tantrum on national television.
With tensions still running high, Laurina the peacemaker decides on a new policy for the house.
"I think segregation between us and them is a good idea, we'll put them all in one room and we'll give them their own bathroom," she announces.
"If they're going to infiltrate our home then they better watch out because it's not going to be a very nice place for them to live."
Finally, after the longest cocktail party in history at which no one got drunk (seriously, how does this keep happening? Are they drinking apple juice?), IT'S ROSE TIME. THANK FUCK.
Zoe gets a rose, Alana gets a rose, newcomer Rachel aka The Ghost of Holly the Netballer gets a rose, and then it's Amber's turn.
"Amber, will you accept this rose?" asks Blake, except no one can hear him over the portentous music that accompanies Amber as she goes "YEAH, NAH" and shoves the rose back into his face before staking out.
Blake follows her into the garden. She tells him she's not the kind of girl who waits around. I mean, she might be the kind of girl who goes on a TV show to date one man along with 24 other women, but she does NOT like to be kept waiting. He opens the note the producer has just handed to him, reads it and tells Amber he thinks she's
Then Mary gets a rose, so I don't really care what happens after that, but in the interests of recording history: it comes down to three. There's Aley the fashion blogger from Summer Heights High, Tahnee the one no one cares about at all and Kara, who has been here for eight weeks but who is obviously so boring she has managed to be outshone by two women Blake has known for about 20 minutes.
In the end Blake goes with the devil he knows and boots the two newbies, handing Kara the final rose. They're really upset.
Now go on and READ EPISODE NINE when Chantal finally gets a single date, Laurina flips out over a merry go round and everyone uses the word "fairytale" too much.
Or go back and READ EPISODE SEVEN again.