Monday, September 01, 2014

The Bachelor Australia recap: Season 2, Episode 10

Episode 10 begins in the depths of teenage angst once again, with more pulling of hair and gnashing of teeth over the topic of Jess kissing Blake, even though it wasn't even interesting the first time round.

Mary throws a spitball at her while Amber starts circulating a rumour that Jess smells, and Laurina's so upset she starts a "No Jesses" club and bans her from playing hopscotch in the quadrangle.

But just as they're about to pelt her with tampons in the gym showers they're interrupted by Osher Gunsberg, who has clearly misheard the "high school" theme as "high hair".

Honestly, it's just getting ridiculous now.


"Blake would like you all to know that he sincerely feels he is making progress with each and every one of you, and he'd like you to try and remain patient with him," Osher reads off the cue cards.

"I'm going to let you find out what he has on his mind," he says, before slinging an envelope onto the floor and walking out muttering "because I sure as hell can't be arsed reading it out".

Because groundbreaking surprises are what this show does so well, the card turns out to be a single date invitation for Zoe with the cryptic clue "La Dolce Vita awaits".

"THE SWOIT LOIFE!" yells a passing brickie's labourer. Oh no wait, that's just Lisa. What a sweet trill she has.

"Wow, you speak German?"

Hmm, the sweet life eh? Maybe Blake is going to take Zoe through the Maccers drive through for a McFlurry? Or roll her in caster sugar as part of a modern art installation? Or maybe they're just going to gnaw on the latticework of the giant gingerbread house they all appear to be living in.

Zoe paints on a dress and heads down to the official Shag Dock where some bloke is waiting in a boat called "La Dolce Vita".

Luckily it's acrylic based paint, so it won't come off if she falls in.

So basically Blake's cryptic clue "La Dolce Vita awaits" was less a cryptic clue and more a literal description. How fucking boring. Abandon your Fellini fantasies here.

"This is the most exciting date I've ever been on," says Zoe, who is easily impressed.

They zoom past the Harbour Bridge and the Opera House, because without that shot at least once per episode they'll never sell this shit to the UK, before pulling up at an island where Blake is busy practicing his dad dancing.

This is his "I've just been lei-d" dance.

With him are some native Vanuatuan dancers because... oh look, it hardly matters. Just be thankful they're not from the Maldives.

Zoe steps off La Dolce Vita, which now has even less relevance to this date than it did before, and walks straight into a bizarre, acid-tinged fever dream that is, frankly, frightening.

It's like Jamiroquai threw a douchebag party at Burning Man.

Blake quickly leis her and then, in keeping with the exotic theme, greets her in broken English, saying "We appreciate your patience and are very much happy that you're here."

"Today is about Zoe and I getting to know each other and having a lot of fun," he says.

"And also about cultural appropriation, and using people of another race as exotic props."

They do some limbo and have a dance, and Blake craps on about how authentic it all is.

WOW IT'S JUST LIKE BEING IN VANUATU.

Then they head for the beach to drink cocktails with a view of the Harbour Bridge, just like in Vanuatu.

"It's not quite the Maldives, but it's close," says Blake.

NO, I'M NOT KIDDING, HE ACTUALLY TALKS ABOUT THE FUCKING MALDIVES AGAIN. REALLY.

With one of Blake's two conversation topics now exhausted, it won't be long before he brings up the subject of...

"So, do you wanna have kids?"

Meanwhile back at the Shag Mansion the women's daily hair braiding session has been interrupted by the arrival of another date card, this one reading "Will you rise to the occasion?".

Given the disappointing literalness of the last card, we can probably just assume this date will involve standing up at some point.

"HOT AIR BALLOON!" shouts Louise, optimistically.

Nooo... but I CAN guarantee it will leave us all feeling deflated.

Back at Faux Vanuatu, Zoe and Blake are having the conversational equivalent of valium, made up of sentences such as: "I feel very, very comfortable around you", "You make me feel so at ease", "I really like you", "You are opening up, and I see that, and that is not lost on me" and the utterly bewildering: "Is this the sort of experience that you could go through and see yourself falling in love?".

"Have you been drinking more of that champagne?"

Then they pash, which quite frankly I would have done too, just to shut him up, and he gives her a rose.

This is actually starting to revolt me now.

Wavy lines, doobly doo music, more wavy lines, Jess crying about something, Laurina pretending to be a duck... aaaaaaaaaand it's the next day, and we're off on the group date which this week appears to be taking place inside a giant advertisement.

"Hey, have you heard about Simon Johnson?" "Wow, Simon Johnson, he's great!" "That Simon Johnson sure is a real go getter!"

They all pour inside Simon Johnson, which sounds rather uncomfortable, where they find a wax sculpture of Osher Gunsberg waiting for them.

The producers were forced to have one made to ensure he is occasionally on the show.

"I suppose you're wondering why Blake has brought you to a deli," says the waxwork.

I dunno, he's cheap?

Actually as it turns out they're all there to prove their love for Blake by baking a cake, because that is a thing that women do.

It's the Great Australian Blake Off, and everyone is excited at the prospect. Except Mary. Because Mary is cool.

WHAT FRESH HELL IS THIS?

In other news:

At least we now know what happened to Wednesday Addams.

Blake pulls a string at the back of the waxwork, and it burbles: "Bake a cake that stands out as much as you do. A cake that's sweet, special and irresistible!"

Yep, that pretty much covers that.

So it's off to the kitchens, where Mary tells Blake she's only ever made one cake.

"I baked a cake before I came on here, and that was the first one I've ever done," she says.

He reacts as though she's just told him she's actually a hologram.

Yes, jerk, the first. How many cakes have YOU made?

"OYVE NEVAH BAKED A CAKE AND OYM GARNA MAKE A WOYTE CHOCOLATE LOVE HEART," barks Lisa, before jamming some Milky Bars into a meatloaf pan and shouting "DONE!".

Everyone is busy faffing about with flour and sugar and pans, but it turns out Louise is the only one who actually knows how to bake, leading Sam to declare her "brilliant wife material".

Next week's challenge on The Bachelor: serving Blake breakfast in bed whilst suppressing one's own personality.

"I knew there was no way I could compete with Louise, so I thought I would just make something that appealed to him aesthetically," Mary says.


And here's Mary's cake.

Meanwhile, Amber continues to cement her position as everyone's least favourite Canadian export after Nickelback by sabotaging the other girls, switching off Kara's oven when her back is turned.

Kara's cake may end up a bit flat but at least it won't look like a medical mishap, unlike Lisa's, which resembles an angina operation:

Open heart surgery in cake form.

Or Mary's, which looks like the floor of an after school care centre after the kids have gone home:

This will only "appeal to Blake aesthetically" if he accidentally stabs himself in both eyes on the way in to the kitchen.

"I knew it wasn't a masterpiece. It definitely wasn't Michaelaneglo's 'David'," Mary says.

And thank god for that.

Kara's attempt at a chocolate orange cake looks like muppet diarrhea, so the less said about that the better.

Meanwhile Louise, who we keep being told is some amazing baker, has made what appears to be a giant biscuit with whipped cream on top.

You call that a cake?

Basically all the cakes look fucking revolting, so it's marginally entertaining watching Blake being forced to eat them, but it is an indicator of his total lack of anything resembling a sense of humour that he can't find a single funny thing to say about any of it.

It's obvious the delicate wiring of the Blakebot 3000 has overheated, such that he thinks he is actually judging a serious baking competition.

"Good texture, nice crumb. Yes, this baker certainly is worthy of my hand in marriage."

Not that it makes any difference as no winner is declared. So basically everyone wins a prize - of the worst tea party of all time. Hooray!

But enough of all of this, it's cocktail party time!

Blake takes Jess into the garden for some more eye widening and slow blinking, and tells her he's sorry for kissing her, because that totally makes sense. She laughs with her giant mouth wide open and almost accidentally swallows the gazebo.

Zoe cries for some reason, possibly because her corset is squeezing her like a tube of toothpaste and gradually suffocating her to death.

But all three of them immediately cheer up when they see Blake.

Then everyone has a good bitch session about Amber which culminates in Laurina shouting "AMBER HAS EXPOSED HERSELF!", which is less exciting than it sounds, and we move onto the ROSE CEREMONY which this week has been sponsored by Too Tight and Too Short Frock Barn in Woolongong North.

They could only afford to dress Zoe, though.

Zoe's already received a rose, which Gazza the Channel 10 cameraman makes sure to highlight:

For the full effect, play a foghorn noise while looking at this.

Jess gets a rose, angering Cersei Lannister Laurina who hisses: "I don't enjoy her, I don't enjoy her one little bit!"

"CAN'T YOU SEE HOW ALIENATING SHE IS?!"

A bunch of sequinned dresses and hairdos parade past and Blake gives them all roses, until finally we're left with two: Amber the most annoying Canadian since the Barenaked Ladies and... I dunno who that other one is.

Karen? Karissa? Nup, I don't recognise her.

Blake furrows his brow and squints, but he clearly can't remember her name either so he's forced to give the final rose to crazy Amber to avoid embarrassing himself. The producers clap their hands in glee and immediately get to work on ways to piss her off next week.

Poor whoever she is traipses off to the limo of doom, leaving everyone devastated in her wake.

Well, almost everyone.

Now go on and READ EPISODE 11 in which Laurina utters the immortal words "dirty street pie" and thus promises to make it the best episode of any show ever.

Or go back in time and READ EPISODE NINE again.



4 comments :

  1. Kind of hypocritical that Blake implied he was there to help the girls with the baking but instead just smirks at them and doesn't actually know a single thing about baking himself!

    Also, how does a cake taste like foot? surely even if the only three things in there are eggs, sugar and flour it can't taste that bad, and then there is the icing slathered all over it, she should have gone with a bucket of whipped cream and berries in equal measure and she would have been all good!

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  2. Very funny recaps thanks.
    I thought to myself Osher kinda reminds me of someone ... then it hit me ... Ace Ventura Pet Detective :D

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  3. stop it! can't deal this is sooo funny <3 love it

    xox Mary - The bachelor
    instagram: mary_oneill

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    1. Bless your heart, Mary! Loved you on the show.

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